Hi everyone, this is a long one, but advice greatly appreciated. First time posting so hope my abbreviations are correct.
DH was at an offsite in town the other day. Two DC at home, one currently teething. DH called at about 9.30 pm to say he’d missed the bus and would be back a bit late, no biggie, it made no odds to me, however he heard the baby was up crying (2.5 hours after he should be in bed). I finally get him down at 10.30 pm and move DC1 into our bed as baby was keeping her up crying.
At around 11 pm, I literally had just nodded off, exhausted, DH comes in and bangs around the room, clearly seeing me and DC1 in there sleeping. He sees DC1 and says I’ll move her. I told him not to (as DC2 might wake again and it would disturb her sleep). He kept insisting and I told him to just leave her. I was cranky at this point as I was exhausted (I’d gotten up an hour early to drive him to town for this meeting, dropped the children to crèche /school and went to work, came back collected/ did homework/ dinner/baths / cleaning/ settling DC2 after two hours of screaming due to teeth which in itself is so hard!). DH then takes out his phone and starts scrolling. I have to lie a certain way as I’ve pulled muscles in my neck so it was in my direct vision. I asked him to turn it off. He told me to turn around (knowing well I can’t). I had to get up early for work the next day and as I knew he’d been drinking I knew I’d be on night duty should DC2 wake again. He proceeded to refuse to turn his phone off or even go on his side so I couldn’t see the light. I told him to leave the room then, he refused. I was boiling at this point, I didn’t want to leave my own room because he was scrolling! I grabbed his phone and proceeded to walk out of the room and I put it in the spare room down the hall.
DH came after me and demanded his phone and I said are you going to use it in the room to which he said yes, so I refused to tell him where it was. I tried to get back into my bedroom and he blocked the entrance with his body! This went on for a few minutes until I eventually made it through. He started to raise his voice (while DC1 was in the room!) and called me some profanities! I just got into bed and put my arms around my child.
About 15 mins later he returned to the room and said ‘I’m driving to my parents house because you won’t give me back my phone’ (he had far too much to drink to be driving), he knew I was aware he’d be drinking. He then followed with, ‘so you can figure out who’s going to mind the children tomorrow’ (he has a half day Fridays so he minds DC1 as she finishes early from school while DC2 stays at crèche until I return home from work.)
To be honest I just lay there in silence. He left the room and as suspected, didn’t leave the house.
That was two days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. I can’t believe that he would threaten to drink drive. But more than anything it’s the ‘I’m going to my parents and you can sort out the childcare tomorrow’. These are his children, and regardless of who was right or wrong in the argument he was using them as a pawn in it. I feel sick to my stomach about it. I just don’t know what to do.
Maybe I shouldn’t have removed his phone from the room and things wouldn’t have escalated, but God to think that he had that in him, a part of me is happy that I saw it.
Any advice on how to process/ proceed, was I wrong or right, and how do I handle this? And if I was wrong, what should I have done different?
We’ve been married 8 years and he’s had form for this type of behaviour but never brought children into it.
thanks for your help everyone.