Creepy comment from Father TW

saturdaynightnamechange · 2024-03-09T19:49:06+00:00

Name changed for this one. This happened about 4 or 5 years ago but I still think about it from time to time and I would like the thoughts from others... So back story. I am 49 and my Father is 76. I am an the only daughter but I do have one older brother. My dad is old school. Thinks a woman's place in in the kitchen, bedroom etc etc. Never got involved in parenting or housework and my mum left as she was probably sick of the misogyny and weaponised incompetence. My dad also has quite an immature view on women and is quick to comment on women he thinks are ugly, masculine and shows appreciation for big boobs etc. Over the years he has made inappropriate comments to several female family members including myself. I don't think it's done on purpose I just don't he thinks before he speaks. Because of all of this he gives me the 'ick' as some would say. I live on my own and he stays at my house once or twice a year and I visit him about the same. So to the event in question. When my dad stays at mine or visa versa ... he always insists on a hug goodnight. Totally normal in a normal relationship - right! But I don't like hugging him. I just don't. One time he sensed this and made a fuss saying "you don't like to hug me... it's not like I'm going to rape you". He said that. To his own daughter. I was too shocked to say anything in reply. He's never said anything quite that bad since. There have been other comments but I think this was definitely the worst. The comment hasn't really affected me really - I'm just disappointed in him for thinking this was an acceptable thing to say. And disappointed in myself that I didn't call it out at the time. Thoughts anyone?

TedWilson · 09/03/2024 19:52

It's weird and he's a twat. I think he knows he's a perv and he knows that you know. Did you ask him wtf??

justthecat · 09/03/2024 19:57

No contact straight away, I had bad parents but my dad would never say that.
and mine were crap

Pinkbonbon · 09/03/2024 19:57

Sorry to add to the horror but- My experience is that men who feel the need to say 'it's not like I would xyz' ...it's because it's crossed their mind.

It's like men who say 'i would never hit a woman'. Men who would genuinely never hit a woman wouldn't even have it cross their mind to feel the need to say such a thing in the first place.

I'm guessing you didn't want to hug him because your body senses he has ill thoughts.

Now I'm not saying he would act on them. But he's a creepy bastartd. And you know it. And you know you aren't safe from his remarks.

Don't have him in your home anymore. Or stay with him alone. I wouldn't put it past his sort to get handsy in his old age and blame it on aging. If your gut is repulsed by him, trust it and act accordingly.

justthecat · 09/03/2024 19:58

He’s passed now but he had his flaws but not that

GreyBlackLove · 09/03/2024 20:03

Agree that's a really unnerving and inappropriate thing to say

DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats · 09/03/2024 20:03

😱

Original poster

saturdaynightnamechange · 09/03/2024 20:06

TedWilson · 09/03/2024 19:52

It's weird and he's a twat. I think he knows he's a perv and he knows that you know. Did you ask him wtf??

I should of... but by the time my brain had processed what he had said the moment had passed.

I'm now on high alert to respond if anything similar happens...

I really don't think he would actually intend to rape me or any other family member - I just think it was just clumsy speak and total disregard for how it came across

OP posts:

TedWilson · 09/03/2024 20:08

I think I would be in shock too. But he knows you've got him sussed.

Original poster

saturdaynightnamechange · 09/03/2024 20:09

Pinkbonbon · 09/03/2024 19:57

Sorry to add to the horror but- My experience is that men who feel the need to say 'it's not like I would xyz' ...it's because it's crossed their mind.

It's like men who say 'i would never hit a woman'. Men who would genuinely never hit a woman wouldn't even have it cross their mind to feel the need to say such a thing in the first place.

I'm guessing you didn't want to hug him because your body senses he has ill thoughts.

Now I'm not saying he would act on them. But he's a creepy bastartd. And you know it. And you know you aren't safe from his remarks.

Don't have him in your home anymore. Or stay with him alone. I wouldn't put it past his sort to get handsy in his old age and blame it on aging. If your gut is repulsed by him, trust it and act accordingly.

Edited

If he did get 'handsy' the relationship would 100% be over in a flash. No problem.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/03/2024 20:10

If his comments have worsened could it be the very early stages of dementia- losing his social appropriateness.

Original poster

saturdaynightnamechange · 09/03/2024 20:13

RandomMess · 09/03/2024 20:10

If his comments have worsened could it be the very early stages of dementia- losing his social appropriateness.

To be fair - this was about 5 years ago and was definitely the worst thing he has said. Its just a shame that any dialogue or interaction we have is with me being ready to respond to anything similar.

OP posts:

Noicant · 09/03/2024 20:14

That’s just horrifying tbh, sorry OP I just don’t believe he doesn’t know that it’s inappropriate to say that kind of thing, has no-one ever pulled him up on this shit? You don’t like hugging him for a good reason.

Original poster

saturdaynightnamechange · 09/03/2024 20:21

Noicant · 09/03/2024 20:14

That’s just horrifying tbh, sorry OP I just don’t believe he doesn’t know that it’s inappropriate to say that kind of thing, has no-one ever pulled him up on this shit? You don’t like hugging him for a good reason.

No one in the family has ever challenged him. I know he has failed to maintain any normal adult relationships with women because of his attitude to women - not that he would ever be able to acknowledge it was his fault. He only really has friendships with men. There is only myself and one other female family member that have contact with him now. We both are aware of his character and are comfortable checking in with each other.

OP posts:

5YearsLeft · 09/03/2024 20:31

The comment hasn't really affected me really - I'm just disappointed in him for thinking this was an acceptable thing to say. And disappointed in myself that I didn't call it out at the time.

@saturdaynightnamechange , you think about it every once in a while 4 or 5 years later. It’s not just that it was an unacceptable thing to do - it’s an absolutely disgusting thing for a father to say to his daughter.

You make a lot of excuses for him in your OP, that he “says things clumsily” or “doesn’t mean it like that,” and I’m just wondering if you realize that this isn’t your job. It’s not your job to defend him, especially since it sounds like he’s made things difficult for you as well, and you are NOT responsible if the things he says are taken at face value and he alienates people. It’s just… not your responsibility. It’s his, as an independent adult.

You may not have known what to do right. At that moment, but you know these visits don’t have to continue, right? None of them - not him coming to yours or you going to his. It’s not happy little families and you don’t have to pretend it is.

My father was a bit like yours. Just a misogynist with no boundaries. My grandparents took me in permanently when I was still quite young. But my father made horrible comments whenever I did see him, until he “disowned” me, which was a huge gift. I thought, like you, that I was fine. Last year, on the night of Eurovision of all things (my therapist blames Eurovision), I had the worst nightmare of my life about my father hurting me. I had to call my best friend at 3am and have emergency therapy.

These things do stay with us. If you’re still, even just occasionally, thinking about it, it’s still stuck in you. “Speak” to your father (even just write a letter,) and tell him contact is over.

And good luck - I hope the memory of that comment will fade in time. You deserve to happy, safe, and loved in a healthy manner. Your father simply isn’t able to fit in with that.

VWRabbit · 09/03/2024 20:32

Ugh, gross. Not normal. You don't have to see him if you're understandably uncomfortable.

Years ago when I was in my late teens, I went for a rare day out with my dad, just us two (and I mean rare- the only time it's ever happened). And he said to me, completely out of the blue, "people might think you're my girlfriend!" And laughed. I was struck dumb with horror. I mean, wtf?! They would think, there is a man and his teenage daughter who is clearly related to him. Im still processing the weirdness of it all these years later. We are low contact now at my choice.

Original poster

saturdaynightnamechange · 09/03/2024 20:48

5YearsLeft · 09/03/2024 20:31

The comment hasn't really affected me really - I'm just disappointed in him for thinking this was an acceptable thing to say. And disappointed in myself that I didn't call it out at the time.

@saturdaynightnamechange , you think about it every once in a while 4 or 5 years later. It’s not just that it was an unacceptable thing to do - it’s an absolutely disgusting thing for a father to say to his daughter.

You make a lot of excuses for him in your OP, that he “says things clumsily” or “doesn’t mean it like that,” and I’m just wondering if you realize that this isn’t your job. It’s not your job to defend him, especially since it sounds like he’s made things difficult for you as well, and you are NOT responsible if the things he says are taken at face value and he alienates people. It’s just… not your responsibility. It’s his, as an independent adult.

You may not have known what to do right. At that moment, but you know these visits don’t have to continue, right? None of them - not him coming to yours or you going to his. It’s not happy little families and you don’t have to pretend it is.

My father was a bit like yours. Just a misogynist with no boundaries. My grandparents took me in permanently when I was still quite young. But my father made horrible comments whenever I did see him, until he “disowned” me, which was a huge gift. I thought, like you, that I was fine. Last year, on the night of Eurovision of all things (my therapist blames Eurovision), I had the worst nightmare of my life about my father hurting me. I had to call my best friend at 3am and have emergency therapy.

These things do stay with us. If you’re still, even just occasionally, thinking about it, it’s still stuck in you. “Speak” to your father (even just write a letter,) and tell him contact is over.

And good luck - I hope the memory of that comment will fade in time. You deserve to happy, safe, and loved in a healthy manner. Your father simply isn’t able to fit in with that.

Thanks. You are 100% right. This is probably what I needed to hear.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 09/03/2024 23:07

He's never had to learn as nobody has challenged him ever, which is quite remarkable. It takes one phrase - "Dad that's inappropriate"- and it should of been repeated every time he was.
Hopefully, it looks like it's throwaway and not meaningful to him, as you don't say there has been any dodgy physical behaviour. It's tough to have a parent who has creepy thoughts and attitudes to women, I feel for you, at best it's gut churning. What were his parents like, what work did he do? He's learnt his obscene opinions from somewhere.
He's that far down the line you probably can't expect change from him, but you could maybe change what you do, why visit him overnight at all? Then you don't have to reciprocate. If he questions the change, tell him straight that you don't want to hear his inappropriate thoughts about women, so until he keeps them to himself, you can't tolerate seeing him. The ball is then in his court.