Struggling with friends anxiety

[Chimchimenycharoo]

I really feel like I need some advise at the moment. I have a friend who I used to work with. She left a few months ago now. For the last 6 months of our working together she was barely there suffering with anxiety around the job. However since she has left I feel like I am really overwhelmed with her anxiety. It is constant and moves from topic to topic. I will often wake up with a string of messages on my phone demanding support. I am struggling to be that constant support. I have tried to get her to seek help from the doctor however she doesn't feel she needs it and will tell me she just needs some time off and a chat. I have children with chronic illness, I work and I have a husband who also struggles with health anxiety which is really bad at the moment. My job is quite an emotionally intense job and at the moment I am feeling overwhelmed from every corner. I don't want to be insensitive to her. And I know for her her anxieties feel huge. I'm not sure what else to do. I have told her I have a lot on at the moment so ca not reply.but she will ignore this and send a message about something in her life. I will delay responding for a day and will then get messages implying I am being distant. I respond and she will not reply for a couple of days and then it all starts over. It just feels really unhealthy. Any advise would be welcome.

You sound like a very caring person but you cannot help this person.
Health anxiety is awful but it’s not your job to fix.
Anxiety is worse when you focus on it and by responding you may temporarily decrease her anxiety but then will come back with some force.
The best thing for you ( and her) is that you don’t respond… point her to The Samaritans and other help but you cannot fix this.

"I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I honestly think it's time you went to the GP and got some counselling. I am your friend but I also have a lot of pressure in my life and don't have the capacity to help you in the right way, please please get additional support"

If she treads on this boundary it's time to move on from the friendship.

I agree with pp above. This happened to me once with an old friend who developed health anxiety, constantly thought he was having a heart attack, ringing ambulances etc. He would phone me at work and beg that I left to help him. I felt massive guilt at having to distance himself and cut him off to a certain extent but I couldn't actually help him, and I could NOT cope with suddenly being his kind of carer.

Be very boundaried, only speak once every couple of days for twenty minutes or whatever you can deal with and stick to it. Ignore everything else. You have enough on your plate already. Speaking to her all the time will not cure her anxiety anyway.

my friend did get help from a GP in the end and largely got over his anxiety, without my help, and we remained friends.

Just stop replying. You’ve told her she needs help and you can’t reply as much as she wants you to. She’s clearly not rational so you’ve done all you can. (And I say that as someone with severe anxiety myself, under mental health practitioner for it etc).

Don't feel guilty for not replying quickly. I would ignore her messages until I was ready to reply and then if she replies with any hint of criticism, I would swipe down the message I sent originally, the one saying that I had a lot on my plate.

I could have written this myself and I know it's hard but you have to tell her. My friend is anxious and on top paranoid schizophrenic. I love her dearly and will always be her friend but constantly have to reinforce boundaries with her otherwise the ringing and ringing and texting and texting is relentless and doesn't stop.

I've recently had to do it again and she's always really apologetic but it's not her fault and she really can't help it. I've been going through an absolute nightmare this last year and she's been constantly niggling away ringing and ringing, texting and texting and I've once again had to tell her it's too much, I'm getting overwhelmed with all the constant calls and texts. She's now reigned it in again and calls me once a week but I know it doesn't last.

Really, you have to tell her. It's not cruel or unfair. She's using you to offload things that by most people's standards probably aren't real problems anyway. If you don't tell her you need her to stop bombarding you, it won't stop. If she doesn't see it as bombardment that's her problem, you're not her therapist.

Take a step back and look after you. Just tell her you can't keep texting and calling her all the time, it's too much and she's overwhelming you and then stop responding. Tell her once a week is fine but not multiple times a day. Block temporarily if you have to and don't start letting her bullshit about being distant draw you back in because that's exactly what it's designed to do - keep you as her sounding board.

Thank you. I think I needed to hear this. I've kept to my boundaries this weekend and she really hasn't liked it but I know that's what I need to do. I have been direct with her again about needing to seek help etc. It's so frustrating and feels controlling at times. I know she cannot help the way she feels which makes me feel so guilty for getting frustrated. Thank you guys x

‘I am your friend, but I am not a doctor or a counsellor, and your needs exceed my capacity to support you. You need to seek professional help and I am happy to help you find it, but I have so many challenges of my own that I am already struggling, and I cannot take on yours as well.’

Point her in the direction of counselling, in particular, acceptance and commitment therapy. It's fantastic for anxiety.

I would also recommend the five senses technique mindfulness and the head space app. Tell her to look up anxiety videos on youtube.

If she has practical steps to manage her anxiety, she will be less reliant on you.

Honestly its best to put boundaries in place here. This happened to me with a friend a few years back. She had some sort of break down after a bizarre holiday romance. She spent literally every evening and weekend at my house and was constantly needy. I felt bad for her so I just tried to be there but it took over my life. Now she no longer needs me and barely gets in touch! I would never do that again. Its ok to be there and support your friends but this is too much.