Heartbroken, how to move on from relationship

[ZebraGirl88]

I’m 35 years old! But it was my first relationship in a long time after a long time focusing on being a single parent and I honestly feel like a heartbroken teenager. I’ve struggled to eat the last few days, I’ve not had any closure and he won’t take responsibility for anything. Just told me that it’s my fault it’s over and he’s done. Has blocked me on everything. I keep stupidly opening WhatsApp to see if he’s unblocked me but he hasn’t. We were together 18 months. I’m already feeling sick at the thought of seeing him with someone else. We live in a small town and our friend circles were very intertwined so it will likely be someone I know.
Argh! I know it’s pathetic but how do I move on?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there. It is all encompassing, the grief.

He doesn't sound like a nice person, and if you look back when you are ready, you will probably see there were warning signs in the relationship.

I'm a great believer that things happen for a reason. There is some sort of lesson here for yourself. A way to look inside, go deeper within. To love yourself more. This might look like pampering yourself, surrounding yourself with people you love and love you back. For me, it was seeking counselling and working through the issues of my childhood.

I promise you, in 6 months time, you will look back and be happy that this man has walked away. You deserve better.

I would advise blocking him though, as these sorts of people have a nasty habit of coming back when they sense you are moving on.

Sending you my love x

Get angry about how he treated you and annoyed at yourself for pining after him still.
Have some pride in yourself.

Go back to focusing on you, I'm a lone parent and it's so important we focus on our kids, us and the positive relationships with family and friends.

You are giving him power by pining for him, don't do that.

Remember all those years of resilience you showed before this asshole broke down your barriers and you compromised yourself for a man that treats you badly.

You're not being pathetic at all! It's a normal reaction. Take some time to care for yourself

I think this is what is so painful. I had been on my own for SO long and had my guard up. I let him in and opened myself, allowed myself to be vulnerable and for what.
When I look back it was toxic and co dependant rather than loving. And he put me down constantly, subtly but little digs and remarks. So my self esteem is on the floor! I can’t imagine ever letting anyone else in.

It’s the last thing you want to hear but time is the best healer. Keeping him blocked and cutting contact will help. There’s no real way around the feelings, you just have to go through them, but keeping busy, exercising and avoiding overthinking will help. Don’t stalk him on social media - this way lies torture!

He sounds really unkind. If he's ending the relationship it would cost him nothing to accept some responsibility but he won't. So, ego-driven and unkind.

I agree with the comment to feel some anger. You don't have to have RAGE, but just some appropriate anger. It would be righteous. Sit with that. I know if you're a single parent, you have to be a parent too. YOu have to function. But just be really clear in your head. He's one of those types of people that externalises all of their own discomfort/shame/inconvenience. It is impossible to have a relationship with somebody who operates like that. They do not receive feedback. No matter how objectively factual the feedback, they weren't ever going to receive it and modify their behaviour, they instead shame you and blame you for making them feel bad.

I know it hurts though. I'm 53 now and I was dumped in the run up to my 30. I still think sometimes of the pain that very ordinary flawed man caused me. Unbelievable.

Xx

Blocking you on every platform with the statement ''I'm done'' is very dramatic. It's his way of avoiding any conversation isn't it. There will be no communication, no honest reciprocal civilised conversation about why you're parting ways. Just ''I'm done!''. It's HIS narrative. HE sets the frame. Due to my mother's parenting of me, I ended up with a few people like this. I run a mile now but whoah, took me a few rounds of the merrygoround.

With that statement '''I'm done!'' it seems on the surface that he's had as much as he can tolerate! But who is this narrative for??? Do you have hundreds of mutual friends?? This narrative is for himself.

It's his absolute prerogative to end a relationship of course. But he's not going to be able to face the fact that he shies away from communication. That honest communication with an equal makes him feel uncomfortable. That any small request to avoid saying or doing something hurtful makes him feel shame! He's not going to be able to tolerate that!! So he comes up with a statement which on one basic level is true for him. ''I'm done!''. He is done facing himself. Relationships have a way of making people face themselves. In his own basic way, he's done. He can't be expected to have honest conversations where each equal party listens to the other and is sensitive to the other!? Come on.

OP your last update tells me exactly what I thought, how resilient and strong you have been for years. Don't be angry with yourself, be angry with him for being an asshole. You've learnt a lesson, you can go back to that strong woman who didn't compromise her boundaries for a shit man. Chin up woman, you are going to be ok.

Also, sorry, I see your friendship groups are intertwined.

I think if you let it be known that he is ''done with you'' and blocked you on every platform, then you don't even need to defend yourself against his narrative. |People make up their own minds anyway.

I can't think of a single occasion where somebody told me ''so and so is craaaaayzy, and I thought, oh wow, I thought they were lovely, I@ll update my file on them''. No. I always trust my own assessment. ykwim.

I'm sorry op. I'm 31 and recently been in a similar situation. It hurts but I promise it does start to get better.... I got blocked for a long time before we started talking again turns out everything he ever told me was a lie. It happens for a reason.

We’d tried to have a conversation & I just wanted some closure and for him to know what he had done that had hurt me. But he just wouldn’t listen and I got told it was my fault it was over and to remember that I was the one who had made him end things!
The original argument was over a text I’d sent that he hadn’t opened or replied to for an entire day. I’d tried to tell him how this had made me feel and he then ignored me for an entire weekend.
I know that he is likely to move on very quickly and you are 100% right he uses relationships as a way to stop looking at himself until shit starts getting real or the other person wants to address anything!
It’s hard. I know in black & white it sounds like a disaster that I am very much better out of but there were good times and I felt like everything was ok when I was with him. There’s a sense of grief for the potential of what “could of been”
I’ve thought about writing a letter to him & just getting everything I feel out onto paper but not actually sending it. Just to try and make sense of things!

Luckily he has taken that step for me and blocked me on all social media. I’ve blocked acquaintances that are likely to post pictures of him. There’s a girl on my facebook who I have a feeling he’s going to end up with. Just from passing comments he had made and you know when you just have a gut feeling. I don’t know whether to block her to! But I’m likely to see her about and I don’t know if it would make things awkward, especially if I’m just being paranoid!

Remember even if you did have this chat it wouldn't change anything this guy clearly doesn't wanna change himself rather ditch and run. It doesn't feel like it now but imagine spending years and years in this cycle where you can't bring up anything negative in case he ditches...

It does get better op. You know what he did. You know he hurt you with his actions. And you know instead of fixing his actions and sorting it he ran off. That's not a man you want in your life x

Thank you all 🙏 I know I am going to have to give it time and just accept I am going to feel a bit sad and shit. It’s very easy to think of the good times and the highs and look back with rose tinted glasses rather than the reality and what it actually was.

If he does end up with that girl, pity her.

Remember that when he ignored your text and you told him honestly how that made you feel, he responded by ignoring you.. Wow. So you could never raise an issue with him. If you raise it with him that x,y or z is hurtful, he gives you more X, Y AND Z what an emotionally immature ass. I know it sounds trite and you're not there YET, but if he ends up with some woman on your facebook list, wish her the best with an eyeroll. Tell her, 'it'll go grand until you need to communicate something important to him!''.