Was this my fault?

[milkyway512]

Do I need to take responsibility for this? I need an objective opinion as even years later I am struggling to form a coherent opinion on what happened/how I should feel. It’s a silly situation from school but it led to a more dramatic thing involving teachers (girl being excluded from group of friends) and was wondering whether the way she treated me before was my fault. She went around saying I was a horrible person/trying to get my friends to think I was horrible because she thought I had done the same to her. I am wondering if I deserved this because I triggered her in some way.

basically this girl wasn’t very nice to me for a while at school; making jokes at my expense to embarrass me, ignoring me, speaking quite rudely to me, and stuff like that. It wasn’t drastic and I didn’t act on it or tell anyone because she had a severe mental illness and I didn’t want to upset her.

basically, before she started treating me this way, there was a group setting with me, her and a boy. This was when it was absolutely fine, no worries or anything between me and the girl. I surmised that this girl liked this boy that was sitting with us because she had made an Instagram post jokingly calling him her boyfriend. I assumed they were together and dating, but I thought they weren’t because they weren’t holding hands. I always then took holding hands as a sign two people were together, based on my little experience back then. But they weren’t so I assumed they weren’t a couple.

so we are in the computer room and we are all talking, and he was a quirky character so was throwing this blue hat to people in the group and asking them questions. He threw the hat to me, and asked me something that I can’t remember, and then I asked him a question about the book he had lent me and that we were reading for school. Him and I lent each other books at the end of year 11/beginning of sixth form and had a sort of friendship. So I asked him that, and this girl was sitting there. I could feel her watching me and suddenly she turned and got angry and started speaking to me in a hostile way, specifically indicating I was silly for saying I had Asperger’s traits when her sister actually has Asperger’s.

she then unfollowed me on Instagram and that’s when the bad behaviour started.

things led on and got worse from there - but basically was I wrong for asking this boy about books when I knew she liked him? I’m worried I did it to upset her without realising and was being malicious and I just can’t remember. Did I deserve that treatment?

thank you, I know it’s silly as it was over 7/8 years ago and I’m 24 now, but the situation as a whole bothered me quite a bit as it led to even more bad stuff that I’m worried I caused. Basically should I have not said anything to this guy? Do I need to take accountability for the fact I may have triggered her and that’s why she treated me badly? I felt a bit jealous when she posted that picture of the guy calling him her boyfriend, as me and that guy had a friendship but I don’t even think I realised I liked him like that. I don’t remember scheming or anything to hurt her, but I’m worried I did and somehow that makes me culpable. Thank you again

I really don’t want to come off as rude but I think you need to let this go and leave it in the past. I fully understand it’s upset you and you mention it’s caused other problems but I also assume these people aren’t in your life anymore?

You were a teenager, you were playing a game, you did nothing wrong . She was also a teenager with lots of conflicting emotions which caused some sort of problem.

You should focus on your life now, you’re in your mid twenties, focus on what you’d like to do with life and leave this history back in school.

Maybe your tone and body language was flirty with him when you knew she fancied him you treated it like a competition to steal her crush and a good friend wouldn't flirt with a friend's crush even if they weren't official.
I would be upset at you and maybe cut the friendship off not because you triggered anything but because you were a bitch and a snake (if you were flirty).

Whether you deserved her behaviour depends on how far she took it and whether what she said about you was true or made up. I personally would think you're an arsehole and feel betrayed.

But we all have done things we regret so try to be more respectful and aware going forward.

Well as you've told it you did nothing wrong.
People are weird OP. Don't always assume everything is your fault or even anything to do with you. Everyone is wrapped up in their own head and their own story and seeing things through their own preconceptions.
If you want to get fancy about it, this is actually called 'theory of mind' and understanding it is a developmental stage that is widely variable.
Anyway I highly doubt you did anything wrong so if you can start to see that and let the worry drop it'll be a relief for you.
Best of luck.

Wow that last poster was vicious. Was she that girl?!

Anyway, it sounds to me like this girl had various issues. You had a friendship with the boy. She was attracted to him. She needs to realise that people she is attracted to might also have other friendships in their lives.

She couldn't deal with that so she turned nasty. That's because she was either immature or had issues.

Now to the point where you mentioned the book to him: Only you know, whether in that moment you did it to signal to her that you had a friendship with him, and if so, whether that's because you wanted to feel included, or whether it was to try and annoy her. Or maybe you just mentioned the book to him because you thought of it and saw no reason not to. But none of that matters.

We all say all sorts of things and sometimes they land well and sometimes they don't. As we grow older we get better at learning what won't land well and stop saying it. And people around us learn to interpret our intentions, not to react nastily to innocent comments that landed badly.

You say you have Asperger's so this might be a longer learning curve for you, and people around you need to take that into account.

Anyway, all sorts goes on at school, and the girl sounds like a really nasty piece of work and a bully. Her reactions were totally over the top and you were the victim of her bullying. Put it behind you and focus on your future life.

She sounds like a jealous teenager who thought you were flirting with the boy she liked when you shouldn't have been.

Even if you did something wrong, even if on some levels you were flirting with him/trying to piss her off (and human beings are complicated - it's hard to know why we do the things we do sometimes) - it truly does not matter now.

With respect, you are mining for a truth that does not exist. You don't know why you did what you did and didn't even at the time. No doubt same is true for him, and her.

You are not talking about a murder you committed or something of that scale - sounds like a fall out in which everybody perhaps just behaved like imperfect humans because that is what they were. There is absolutely no rule of the universe that says you have to hold on to guilt for this (or anything else quite frankly).

Do you often find it hard to let go of things? A talking therapy might help you with this - possibly CBT if they are intrusive thoughts?

Good luck.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate the time taken for you to respond and write to me, so thank you again. I am feeling a little better about the whole thing, even though I feel I made a mistake I have resolved I will think more carefully about how someone may take what I say and to be more aware of my own feelings as well.

thank you again :)