Would you forgive a partner if they weren't over their ex when you met?

[upsidedownyoureturningme]

I've been seeing someone for 8 months and he was in touch with his ex for the first few months of us being together. He has begged for forgiveness and said despite this bumpy start he would love it if we could move beyond it and let our relationship fly. Should I give him a chance? his last relationship was partly during Covid and he felt deep sympathy for her as her ex partner had been sentenced to prison for crimes she knew nothing about. We have talked at length about it and he has said it was a timing issue, that it had been a merry go round of a relationship that took him time to recover from. It has affected how I feel about him, I tried to end it recently and he was begging me to give us a chance, texting and calling and desperate for us to give it go. I agreed but am not sure how I feel as I've lost some of the initial excitement I had...

It’s not about forgiveness. It’s her presence in your relationship. He’s not over her
initial stages you should be happy,cliquey and enmeshed in each other not battling the spectre of his ex
Finally, she’s a poor wee soul banged up in prison for crimes she know nowt about. Really?

Ditch him. You deserve better, really

Hmm it depends. I wouldn't mind someone being in contact with an ex if it was purely friendly. But if they were still in love with their ex, I'd consider that leading me on and I'd be pissed off

his last relationship was partly during Covid and he felt deep sympathy for her as her ex partner had been sentenced to prison for crimes she knew nothing about

Is this supposed to be some sort of mitigating factor? I don’t understand why this is relevant?

When you say he’s been begging for forgiveness, I’m guessing you’ve found messages? How did this all come out?

If he still had feelings for her he had no business being in a relationship with you. Bin him.

If he'd said "I was still talking to her in the early days when we had no idea where this would go and now I'm kicking myself. I've been so happy with you since then and should have been giving it my all from the beginning. I respect your decision if this means you want to call it a day, but I really hope you will take some time to think about it more." I might have taken that time to think about it.
But begging? Get in the bin.

Oh I misread she’s not in jail, it’s her own ex
too many exes on the go

Yes I found messages. He says her background with the ex having been caught for terrible crimes that she knew nothing about had been a mitigating factor saying that he felt a lot of sympathy for her, that he'd always been more of a shoulder to cry on...

No. I wouldn't. In the bin. Life is too short and you're surely worth better.

That is in essence what he has been saying

This all stinks, her boo hooing with him, him wanting to be the shoulder.

Cross post and it's still a no from me. I wasted years after a bumpy start a bit like this. It'll always be there. You've seen who he is. Believe it.

Nope. I don't want a bloke who is still hung up on someone else. Throw this one back and find one without issues.

Also, the calling, texting, begging for forgiveness is deeply unattractive. It smacks of drama and I can't be doing with it. I don't need that in my life.

@AuntMarch and I come from the same school of brisk and sensible thought, I suspect.

So you had a gut feeling or spotted her name on his phone, went looking (and rightly so, I’d do the same) and found messages.

Nah, he’s only sorry he got caught. Bin him. He’ll probably go running right back to her.

How did you meet, was he actively looking and saying he was ready for a relationship or did you meet incidentally? This may make a difference as life can be messy. Are they still in touch? When were they last? I would accept no excuses on this front. I think having someone else emotionally involved behind my back may have taken the shine off too much for me.

I tried to end it recently and he was begging me to give us a chance, texting and calling and desperate for us to give it go.

That doesn't sound very respectful of your decision though. He practically bullied you into giving in when you aren't into it any more. If you were, you wouldn't be posting because you wouldn't care what anyone else would do!

(Edit- missed a word)

Nope, and his excuse is weak and pathetic. Clearly he has a problem getting over people, couldn't resist her and now begging you. Nobody loves being dumped, but if it happens to him every time, and he never let's go, then he is the problem.

The girl had loads of issues with HER ex (which have nothing to do with him), so he was her white knight in shining armour listening to this poor little lamb’s problems…

Yawn!!! Heard it all before. These types get off on the drama.

Move on to someone who doesn’t feel like he needs to rescue every stray they find. It will always be one thing after another with the guy. If life gets stable and mundane he’ll lose interest. Without knowing anything else about the guy I can tell you now he has a saviour complex. It doesn’t end well for you.

Was he still in contact with her after you had the “exclusivity” chat?

On another note, it is a red flag that he was in a relationship with someone who either has a criminal background, or is involved in some sort of criminal web. (Loads of criminals say “it wasn’t me” BTW—I find it hard to believe that a court could find enough evidence to convict someone and issue a custodial sentence for something they were “unaware” of.)