How to move on from babies father

[littleheartsx]

My little boys dad and I separated at the end of last year. It was very messy and very ugly. Without going in to too much detail I was to blame (no cheating) just a very drunken eruption. His family no longer speak to me or take anything to do with me. He is no angel whatsoever however I still very much want our family back.

When we first separated I asked him to come home multiple times which he didn’t, I then came to terms with it being over forever. Over the last month-6 weeks things have changed. He will come to my house and have lunch/dinner, he drops off our dog which he wasn’t originally doing, so we very much spend quite a bit of time together. Our son is only a baby so we keep in contact throughout the day, he keeps him twice a week. I also initiate phone calls usually about our son that then turn in to an hour or so of general chit chat.

We have slept together a few times, he has told me that he doesn’t think we should do this on a regular basis as we aren’t together and we won’t ever be together. It still hasn’t stopped him from doing it though.

I told him the other day I still had hopes our family could be together again and he said he doesn’t see it happening as there is too much damage. I asked him if this was a firm never, and he said he doesn’t look too much in to the future like that, but as it stands it’s a no. He also said he didn’t realise I felt that way still. He is very much the type of person who needs time, he doesn’t like to be forced in to anything, he wouldn’t settle just for the sake of our family he would need to be 100% in.

I know there is no magic 8 ball but I would like to know if there is anyway I could “win” him back - do I continue with the lunches and the dinners and the adult cuddles in the hope that he doesn’t forget me, or move on! I know some will say he’s having his cake and eating it too, but I don’t currently know of any other “cake” nor have I heard anything.

Or if I started dating would that make him miss me? Or even better would it help me move on and forget him? It’s difficult as we have the dog and our son, and he has quite clearly told me with his words that he doesn’t see a future yet his actions could slightly say otherwise. If you knew somebody still loved you and wanted a future and you very much didn’t, would you continue to give them false hope by spending time with them? Isn’t that slightly cruel? I don’t know of any other people that co parent and have this type of relationship.

I’m hurting, and I just want to be happy again. With or without him.

Does anyone have any advice?

Sorry but you are prolonging the agony by getting over friendly and having no strings sex on demand. At best he’s having his cake and at worst being cruel because he knows you want him back.

Bring your relationship back to short discussions about your joint responsibilities and keep to a doorstep conversation. Be polite but not concerned with his private life.

Im guessing you won’t do this because it’s hard but this relationship is over and actually he doesn’t sound very nice which is probably why you snapped in the first place. Try and regain your dignity and accept it’s over.

You need boundaries here, or you're going to get very, very hurt.

Throttle alllllll the way back on contact with him. No sex, no cosy family time, no chitchat about nothing in particular. He sees his child outside your home, you speak to confirm arrangements, that's it for now. Down the road, perhaps you can be friends as well as co-parents, but you need space and you need to stop blurring the lines.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. He's just using you because you're familiar and convenient. I'm sorry to be so harsh about that, but it's the truth. He is never, ever going to go "actually, this is so nice, let's be a real family again".

"Adult cuddles"?!?!

Ewww. You are setting yourself up to get even more hurt. He is using you, stop letting him.

I got as far as 'we've slept together a few times'

You're a shag - end of

He doesn't need to make much effort with you so he's almost guaranteed to get his end away

It's your choice whether you continue to be a quick lay for him or not

But get some bloody contraception sorted

Ironically by making yourself so available and easy, you are cheapening your value and worth to him too. He will not be reflecting on what he's missing and want you more, he'll think of you as having no dignity or self-respect. To make yourself attractive to him put in boundaries, dictate your worth and value by not being available- emotionally or physically. He has stated there is no relationship, so don't be his castoffs.

Please don't try to convince him to be with you. If he wants to be with you he will make it happen.

Sorry but no he has told you he doesn’t want to be with you and never will so you need to listen, he sleeps with you because he can and is probably bored / horny, don’t confuse if for still having feelings, I would say he’s been very clear. He will drop you as soon as he meets someone else he wants to be with he probably (definitely) is already sleeping with others so hope you are using protection. No meeting someone else to get over him or make him jealous isn’t fair on that person either.

He sounds like an arsehole tbh.

I'm assuming he's the same one you posted about today who you caught messaging other women when you were pregnant?

Obviously it takes 2 to have sex, but he's taking advantage of the fact you're still in love with him, and being in love it's harder for you to resist it when you think it might make you closer, but really he's just using you for sex and doesn't care about the impact it will have on you.

I can almost guarantee that the reason he's telling you that you're not getting back together despite sleeping with you isn't because he doesn't want to get your hopes up, but because he's already seeing other women and so that's why he's saying it because when you find out he'll say "I told you we weren't getting back together" not out of some kindness. I would put money on it!

He also said he didn’t realise I felt that way still.

Also that's total bullshit. People can tell when someone is still in love with him. He knows exactly how you feel and is taking advantage of that!

I know there is no magic 8 ball but I would like to know if there is anyway I could “win” him back - do I continue with the lunches and the dinners and the adult cuddles in the hope that he doesn’t forget me, or move on!

No you can't win him back.

Or if I started dating would that make him miss me? Or even better would it help me move on and forget him?

It possibly would make him miss you or it might be a case of not wanting you but not wanting anyone else to have you so he'd sabotage it by saying he didn't like seeing you with someone else...so you'd drop them...and then he still wouldn't want you back.

I don't think it would help you to move on if your feelings are still so strong and it wouldn't be fair on the other person, however some people are ok dating people who are not over their exes and they don't care but I don't know how 😅
You really need time alone to grieve the end of the relationship.

If you knew somebody still loved you and wanted a future and you very much didn’t, would you continue to give them false hope by spending time with them? Isn’t that slightly cruel?

It's very cruel. He doesn't care.

I know that you are all right. I’m not sure if he’s 100% sleeping with other women he works a month of weekends then the following month he will have our son two weekends so he really only has two weekends to himself every 6 weeks, enough for a shag but not enough for anything serious. I met him when he was off work for a year. He also stays at his dads as he moved out of our family home.

I suppose it might be worth me saying that he has never actually initiated the sex. That sounds incredibly desperate, but here we are. So yes, he is probably using me but like some of you have said he has made it so very loud and clear he doesn’t actually want me. It just pisses me off that he is willing to spend so much time with me. If he has met somebody else I can’t imagine they would be happy with it, and I don’t know if he would stop it as it means he sees our son when he drops the dog off? If I am being 100% honest with myself, I think he doesn’t like the responsibility of having a child and a family, I think he enjoys staying at his dads where his responsibilities and bills are minimal, and I do believe that it is a massive case of not wanting me and not wanting anybody else to have me either as he will send random texts that he doesn’t want me meeting anyone and that he would be annoyed if I went with anyone - which to me is mixed signals!

We have a weekend booked away for our sons birthday, I say we I mean me and my son and he is joining us for one day and travelling home that night - should I put a stop to this and just say he can see him when he is home?

What do I do about our dog? He brings him over on his lunch at work then collects him when he is finished - this happens 2/3 time a week when I am home and don’t have plans. Should I stop this too?

I know I am worth so much more than this, not in a big headed way but I literally gave my all to the relationship I paid for everything, I was supportive, loyal, encouraging all the minimum things a partner should be but I also went above and beyond, the three of them were my life - my son , dog & ex. I’m not unattractive either, I’m still quite young, I’m fun, but most importantly I am a home for
someone, whoever ends up with me will always always be able to rely on me. It is very hard for me to accept that I’m not enough for someone I done everything for, it’s also hard for me to accept not being loved by someone I created a life with.

BUT I really really do want to try and get over him, and move on because I know life is short and I want to make beautiful memories with my son whilst he is young and look back and be like I was really happy then, not - I was putting on a brave face in the hopes me and your dad would get back.

Right, you both need to grow up, get some boundaries and work out how to co-parent better.

And I'll say the next thing as a lone parent, stop worrying about dating. Get your long term work plans in place, focus on you, your kid and family and friends.

Men are a distraction from the stuff you really need to focus on, your longer term financial independence and setting a good example for your child.

How do you have time for this drama when you've got a baby? They must be a brilliant sleeper.

Are there other people in your life like trusted family and friends that you could lean on if you feel lonely?

The last two responses are not helpful which is what I assumed this forum was for. FYI my son is a horrendous sleeper always has been , but I cope!

I have financial independence thank you very much and my child is very much set for the future I bought £500 worth of shares per month at 24p in 2020 when we went in to lockdown I sold them this month for 49p and put them in to an account in my sons name for when he is 18.

There is no “drama” our son is very much loved and looked after by the both of us and our families both love him very very much. I’m simply looking for advice on how to move on from a man I created a life with, when I’m still in love and spending an awful lot of time with him due to having a baby and a dog. I don’t think I need to “grow up” I very much have my shit together - other than still loving my ex, which I think is natural in some instances. I came here for outsiders advice as family and friends advice can sometimes be sugar coated.

Now for those who have been helpful, recommending no contact etc - do I have a conversation with him to let him know I am taking a step back and don’t want him to drop off the dog and just to stick to collection and drop off times? If I just go back to no contact will he not be like wtf she’s crazy?!

do I have a conversation with him to let him know I am taking a step back and don’t want him to drop off the dog and just to stick to collection and drop off times?

Yes. Send him a message to say simply that, and then do not respond to whatever bullshit he comes out with. The only things you say to him for a while should be the practical details of child handoff. And stop him coming away with you. You are not a couple, you do not take joint holidays.

If I just go back to no contact will he not be like wtf she’s crazy

Who cares what he thinks? He is not on your side. He is using and abusing you. Yes, he'll kick off when you stop being his compliant easy no strings shag. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It means you should not be giving yourself the opportunity to listen to his bullshit any more.

So it’s not even him initiating the sex? I think that kind of says it all then really as he is not even trying to have sex with you sounds like you are just offering it on a plate and him being a man isn’t saying no. Yes I would tell him you are taking a step back and stop spending time with him! That way you won’t have sex with him why can’t he take the child out/ to his? so you aren’t alone together?

I think some people think if they offer up sex and he talks to you then he might want a relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. He has told you straight and more than once. You need to stop being so desperate. He’s even telling uou he doesn’t want to have regular sex with you in case you get the wrong idea, it’s toe curling.

Please stop offering sex, cut calls short. Don’t try to use another man to make him jealous. Put it back to co parenting, and then see where he is.

How long were you together? Was the baby planned? It just doesn't seem like it was ever that serious a relationship given how easily he ended it. Maybe it would help you to reframe it in your mind?

@littleheartsx - first of all, stop saying it’s your fault he left. Sounds like he was so used to you looking after him that he walked when you needed something back. In any case, relationships are a 2-way street. They’re about give and take. Sometimes one partner is prioritised. Sometimes the other is. That doesn’t sound like what was happening here. After all, why were you financially supporting him? He’s an adult - why wasn’t he doing that for himself? Anyway, whatever the backstory - let him go: he doesn’t want to be with you and he’s made that clear. You deserve someone who does want to be with you. Explain to him why you stepping back but only have the conversation once. Then step back from him and move forward for yourself and your child.

We have slept together a few times, he has told me that he doesn’t think we should do this on a regular basis as we aren’t together and we won’t ever be together. It still hasn’t stopped him from doing it though.
Not many men would turn down opportunity for familiar sex in the moment if not getting it elsewhere, so you need to be the one cut that out.
If you cling and beg and have sex, you are actually less likely to get him back because desperation is deeply unattractive. The most effective way is to show him you will be fine without him and can hold it together independent of him. That dose not include stupid games of dating others, however, won't hurt to go out with mates while he has his weekend and drop into convo that you had a good night out (not mentioning men for the sake of it as that is also childish).
He's been coming to yours more, because when he thought you'd accepted the situation, he respected you more. Now you've told him you still want him, he may come around less, and don't be surprised if he turns you down for sex either, as you just lost your attractiveness telling him that.
So, be the one to pull away yourself a bit first. Do not give him opportunity to turn you down for sex. Say you hear what he's said, claim you accept it whether you do or not. Then fake it till you either make it, or have him begging for you. It's the same and best way for either outcome.

But even if you could win him back, why would you want to? This guy has shown he can’t be relied on.

You need to put massive boundaries in place.

At the moment your ex is getting free dog sitting, meals and sex on tap.

You need to agree times when he is parenting his child (& he needs to do this away from your home and without your assistance).

You also need to say no more dog sitting, he can pay someone else for this service. No more meals, he can pick your son up from your front door and head off.

No more sex either.

Your ex has clearly stated that he doesn't want a relationship with you, but he DOES want all the benefits of a relationship with you; dog sitting, home cooked meals, childcare, sex etc.

Submit a claim to the CMS and get him paying for his child and get him to do more with his child, without you.

You need to step back and he needs to step up as a parent.

Yes OP. If there is any chance he will come back you have to let him go and he has to miss you. Miss your chats, company, support, humour, hugs everything.

So as PP say, you need to pull back. I don’t think you necessarily need to spell it out. You can phase it in. ‘I can’t have dog this week as I’m not around’ on text. If you miss the dog maybe have a set day for dog. On the doorstep, ‘thanks for being on time to pick up/drop off DC/dog, I can’t hang around to chat as I have an appointment. Have a good day/evening’. On the phone ‘great thanks, I need to get off now I’m going out, but see you when you drop DC off’ etc. Regarding DC birthday it’s a tricky one. Maybe I would let him join on the day but no hugs etc from you. Give them plenty of time together with you in another room or out for a walk. Don’t invite him to stay over. Make that the last of those kind of arrangements. Dont tell him everything about your life. Need to know basis. Gradually shift to grey rock.

This system works well for you both. You get to genuinely start moving on by making other arrangements and not hanging around for crumbs from him. He gets to see if he acted too quickly moving out. Even if he changes his mind you may have moved on.

He won’t like it even if he doesn’t want to get back. But if he moves on you know you were previously wasting your time waiting.

Thanks everyone, you have helped me loads, spelled out the desperation and slightly embarrassed me but none the less I am grateful! He does have him overnights twice a week in his Dads house, so him coming to my house is extra on top of that. But as he works shifts it means the weekends he gets him are few and far between and each week is different days. I just wanted to note that incase it looked like he didn’t see our son.

You are all right though, he is unreliable and probably not the kind of person I seen myself ending up with however it happened, and I have become a desperate saddo trying to salvage anything from him I can. I know it’s pathetic and “toe curling” but nobody creates a family expecting to be a single mum.

It might just be that my ego is bruised and if he asks to come back I’ll say no (wishful thinking) or I’m just some sad hopeless romantic hoping for a different ending lol!

I am going to take the advice , I will pull back I hope he realises my worth , but more so I hope I do !!!