What would it take for you to leave?

[Summer61]

For context to my thread, my DP and I have 2 young children and have been in a very bad place in recent years but more so in the last year with the catalyst being me finding out he had been meeting up with a colleague in random carparks after work and had a 'kiss'. I chose to work on our relationship at the time, however now time has passed I am struggling and I wish I had left.

I come on mumsnet often to read other threads of those that may be in similar situations and the disparity of people's opinions has really got me thinking, and its not just to people in situations like mine. People that are just genuinely unhappy in a relationship.

I read more and more threads where posters more often than not advise not leaving, seeking counselling, 'stay together for the kids' as opposed to advising to leave an unhappy relationship.

There is obviously no right or wrong and people are entitled to an opinions so I suppose my question is really: what would it take for you to leave? Would you/have you stayed in an unhappy relationship for the kids and if so, do you wish you hadn't?

It will have been more than a kiss.

I had an affair with a married man (he told me they’d separated) and when she found out that’s what he told his wife - that it was just a kiss. They all say that!

I’d leave him quite honestly.

I think it’s an interesting question and one everybody will have differing opinions of. For me, I would leave any relationship that I wouldn’t be happy to see my daughter in, more than anything I want to model a healthy relationship for her. When she’s 18 and has her first horrible boyfriend who lies to her or cheats on her I want to be able to tell her she should absolutely leave him, that you don’t cheat on people you love, and that she deserves better than that, and I want to be able to say that with the courage of my convictions. How could I look her in the eye and give her that advice if I’d stayed with a man who cheated on me?

I didn't stay and my husband didn't even cheat on me. We were desperately unhappy though and the unhappiness was affecting our DC. It was the best decision I ever made. I won't sugar coat it and pretend everything was easy after separation. There were tough times, but I felt so much more in control of my life, my happiness, my DC's happiness.

I was single seven years and I am now with the most amazing man, who tries to make my life better every day. If I hadn't left my first husband, I would never have met my current man and that doesn't bear thinking about. I LOVED my single years too though. They were so important for me to figure out exactly what I wanted in a life partner.

I would never stay but I am someone who made sure from a young age to not make myself vulnerable financially.

Absolutely this.

I always ask myself if the relationship is one that I would want my daughter to be in. That’s the benchmark for me.

You poor poor lady, not only have you been betrayed you are continuing to feel the backlash of his actions. Am I right in guessing that this has crippled your self esteem? Have you found yourself comparing yourself to the other woman? In reality it’s you who has to face this man who stuck a knive in your back. I think we are all guilty of listening and believing the bollox that comes out our partners mouths. Please please please look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you and your children deserve better than this! What was his intentions with the other lady, you know the saying once a cheat.
god didn’t create you so perfect to be a doormat for a looser.
remind yourself that

I divorced my exh when I found out he had cheated on me. I'd do exactly the same if I ever found my current DH cheated on me too. If they cheat they basically break the marriage contract.

Yes one of the main reasons I divorced my exh as soon as I found out he had cheated on me. To show my DC it is not ok.

Your responses are very interesting, thank you.
I guess at the time it was so minimised, he works shifts so they would finish work together and then drive to the carpark, it wouldn't be unusual for him to finish late and he didn't (as far as I'm aware) leave the house to meet her. He did lie to me about where he was though & I had previously asked him never to speak to her again.
I think it was minimised so much at the time I almost convinced myself it wasn't a big deal and desperately wanted to keep my family together, its only now a year has passed my perspective is slowly changing and I do really wish I had the strength to have left at the time, I am envious of how strong you all sound!

You do know OP you can still decide to leave now? Just because you didn’t at the time does not mean you can’t now, don’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy just because you feel like you missed some kind of imaginary window a year ago.

I left because I was unhappy. He hadn't done anything wrong but I wasn't prepared to spend my entire life feeling miserable.

At the time, I said it was like taking off a pair of uncomfortable shoes. Yes I invested in them and yes they looked ok - but they didn't fit.

I am old (46) and I finally know my own worth. I am comfortable being single but I enjoy the company of the right man. I would cut my losses now at the first sign that a relationship was not suiting my needs. Any dude snogging some other woman in a car park is not going to suit my needs and it would be an instant removal from my life. I was far more of a doormat at 36 but I will no longer tolerate poor behavior from men (or anyone really).

I have a lovely partner who doesn't come close to stepping on boundaries so they are out there. This one you have is a dead-loss though.

I'm 30 years married and what your husband did would be enough for me to leave. I won't tolerate infidelity. Other than that, I agree completely with the excellent post about a relationship you wouldn't want your daughter to be in. My parents modeled a very strong, equal marriage where my father had absolute respect for my mother. My sister and I are very different and married very different men - but both men are very like my dad in terms of values/respect for women. I think what we saw growing up taught us what we deserved. I hope my children see the same.

I caught my child’s father messaging women when I was pregnant. I don’t know of any kisses or anything more , but I also wish I had left. I am also envious of how strong everyone on these replies sound!

I hope it’s me one day!

Very true. Men lie, and then they convince themselves they’re telling the truth. I’ve seen several posts on mumsnet about men texting escorts. Their partner catches and confronts them, and the men always say “oh, it was a one-off. I wouldn’t actually have done anything.” As if the one time they text an escort their partner catches them!

Not only did he do more than kiss her, he’s probably done it before as well, and with other women.

As for leaving a rubbish relationship, you’ll be fine. Any therapist will tell you that women who leave shitty marriages always kick themselves for not doing so earlier.

I left my marriage when I could not bear the thought of having sex with my then-husband ever again. I loved him as a friend (still do), and he was a good man, but it was not a marriage by that point; it was a deep friendship.

I realised I would eventually cheat - through having the opportunity and being severely tempted. So I ended it.

He deserved better, and he now has better. I am single, and for me that is better too. Our son has two families that he loves, and a brother he never would have otherwise had. He sees no downsides to our divorce.

Mine wasn't a shitty marriage, but I have never regretted ending it.

I have regretted staying in relationships with men who've cheated, because they always cheated again.

I am currently in a similar situation. I discovered that my husband has been messaging another woman. She lived in a different country so he never met her nor would ever meet her. He was going through a period of really mad mental health and said it was an escape from his then reality.

I stayed for our children but I am finding life incredibly difficult.

Is it still considered cheating in the same way if it wasn’t physical/in person? I’d be interested in hearing your opinions. Thanks

This is actually quite profound and I’m going to keep that in my mind now as well.

I think it was minimised so much at the time I almost convinced myself it wasn't a big deal and desperately wanted to keep my family together, its only now a year has passed my perspective is slowly changing and I do really wish I had the strength to have left at the time

But now you seem to be convincing yourself that you can't leave because you didn't leave a year ago.

In 10 years if you're still together you'll probably wonder why you didn't leave now.

If you're unhappy and the trust is gone then there's no point.

I read more and more threads where posters more often than not advise not leaving, seeking counselling, 'stay together for the kids' as opposed to advising to leave an unhappy relationship.

The thing is that these things can come to a head even if you decide to 'stay for the kids'. The situation can get worse and become intolerable and it all blows up and then it's over without much time to plan, or he could leave you, or one of you could meet someone else and that could be the catalyst for a break up. You've already caught him cheating.

@kkloo @Mrsttcno1 yes you are both right. I do seem to have this perception that because I didnt leave then I can't now. I feel as if my window of opportunity has gone for some unknown reason.
Some really good perspectives on here though, thank you.

It's ok to leave just because that's what you want to do. You don't need to have the ultimate justification for it. Wanting to be happy is enough.

You deserve to be happy and have a fulfilling life.

I’ve just read a thread called ‘Mothers Day’ where a man is watching football tomorrow rather than spending it with his wife and kids (you’ll need to read it to understand the scenario). Anyway, I would genuinely leave my DH if he behaved in the same way. It shows a complete lack of respect.

My tolerance level for any kind of abuse or betrayal has always been firmly set at zero. I have been very happily married for 27 years and my husbands shared the same standards I do. I am consistently amazed at the utter shit so many women put up with.

OP, IME it's really normal to be desperate to keep your marriage together when you first find out, and then realise over time that you can't forgive this and your relationship won't recover. If you want to leave now, you can.

I'm truly fed up. I know my DH is a dickhead. He is selfish and defensive and lazy. However as he hasn't cheated or a drunk, I feel unable to do it. I know people say staying for kids is worst idea but I can't imagine them going from house to house and i just can't find it in me to pull the plug. I daydream about him leaving me.

Telling yourself you can't leave now is your brain finding rationale and excuses to not do the scary thing. I do the same all the time. It's so hard. I don't know where the women on here find the strength. So often they say "god if he did that I'd pack his bags" and I wish I could.