Husband stays out...

[CandidLion]

Hello

This is my first time posting on here. I suppose I'm looking for some advice really as to whether I am unreasonable.

Basically by DH attended a distant family event on a week day, he advised not drinking alcohol and would be back for parents evening for our eldest. At 14:30pm I called him and he answered to say he would be home in an hour so I attended parents evening alone.

At 18:00 p.m, i had received no phone calls, texts, from him so I tried phoning and texting without response.

At 23:00, my multiple phone calls and texts all being ignored and there was still no sign of him, so I decided to ask a family member on his whereabouts to be told he was drunk and staying out. I was absolutely furious (we have 2 kids aged 13 and 5).

He finally arrived home at 12pm the following day whilst I was at work, hungover. He basically advised he would not apologise, as he was out with family and works hard therefore he is entitled to go out as he pleases for a break. He labelled me controller and abuser for contacting him so many times and advised my behaviour is making him ill. I advised I can't carry on living like this and was told to find somewhere else to live.

I just wanted to gather peoples thoughts and opinions as whether his behaviour is reasonable as it is being said that I am the unreasonable party for staying home, looking after the kids and daring to try to contact him to ascertain where he is and what time he will be home.

He regularly goes out and ignores calls, comes home later than stated sometimes 3am etc, but this is a first staying out all night

Thanks in advance

You've told him to find somewhere else to live. That means you've told him you're splitting up (you may not be able to kick him out legally though unless it's your house alone). If you go back on that, it's telling him he can do what he wants as long as he's ready for the earache.

It's fine to have had enough. It isn't good for your kids to be regularly furious.

No sorry I've been told I should find somewhere else to live if I don't like his behaviour

Hi
Serms to me like it’s end of the road. He is not fulfilling his part of being a husband/father. I’d tell him to get out and start divorce proceedings

My mistake, sorry. Well he might not be able to kick you out either but he has basically told you to like it or lump it. You can tie yourself in knotts trying to find the fairness and wanting him to change but he's not going too. I'm sorry man.

In the meantime while you mull. Stop caring. Stop doing anything for him for you are no longer together, you can't rely on him for anything and no longer check where he is anymore.

Sounds like this relationship is over to me. What’s the housing situation - do you jointly own your house? Neither of you can force the other out if so. If you want to make it work, he needs to want that too. Or you decide it’s time to end this (I would!)

Unfortunately he is the sole owner of the property. My parents live abroad, so I've not really anywhere I can go immediately :(

Are you actually married? If you are and live in the UK, the house belongs to you as well.

As other have said, it's time to end it for good.

I'd look for private rented for now - you're best out of there, but if it's his house your options are fairly limited.
Edit: of course unless you're married and he bought the house after you tied the knot

YANBU. He's a dick.

Probably time to start looking into your options. You're basically a single parent as it is. If you're married, speak to a a divorce solicitor regarding what legal hoops you will need to jump through.

Yes married since 2012. House was bought whilst married.

I don’t think there’s enough of a picture given here to really know either way, from what you have said I think maybe both of you have been a bit dramatic?

If it was my husband and if he had gone, for example for a family funeral or a graduation or something, ended up having a drink afterwards and didn’t come home or respond to me as he was with family, I’d be a bit annoyed at the lack of communication but it wouldn’t be “I can’t live like this” territory because for us it would be a one off, not something he’s ever done before. I wouldn’t be furious about it, I’d just be reminding him that he does just need to let me know whats happening in future so I’m not worrying about where he is.

I wouldn’t expect my husband to apologise for going and spending the night with family BUT I would expect an apology for the lack of communication. Do you usually send him lots of calls and text messages when he goes out? Just as you’ve said he regularly goes out and ignores calls, I’m not saying it’s the case here, but if you regularly blow up his phone when he’s gone out I can see why that might be irritating?

Either way I think at the point he’s telling you to find somewhere else to live, the relationship is over regardless.

@Mrsttcno1 OP has said this happens ALL the time. Also that he has said specifically he'd be back to do things with the family. That is completely different to a once off bender.

Do not leave the house. You are married with children and it is a marital asset. Get advice and start divorce proceedings. As others have said - he has checked out so you might as well be ready.

All I can see OP having said on that is this:

“regularly goes out and ignores calls, comes home later than stated sometimes 3am etc, but this is a first staying out all night”

Hence my asking if OP regularly bombards his phone with texts and calls when he is out. I’m not saying it is the case here, but it can be incredibly draining in a relationship when every time you go out you have your partner sending you a hundred messages/calls asking for specific times you’ll be back, where you are, how long for etc. I can easily see where if that is your life then you’d just turn your phone off. Coming home later than stated, if at 3am I assume that’s after a night out and I think we’ve all had nights out that we swore blind would be home by midnight and are still swinging from the beer pumps hours later!

Again though, the staying out all night is a first, with family, and I’ve said the communication (saying I’ll be back for x and not being) is what I’d want an apology for.

This doesn’t seem to be an argument over just this one instance though is the point, there’s obviously resentment there on both sides.

There's obviously more gone on than this isolated incident but this is the final straw really for me hence me asking as to whether its unreasonable to question the scenario.

I wouldn't say "I blow the phone up" every time he goes out. I'd say when I don't hear anything for hours on end I will try contacting to ascertain what's going on.

I don't think the issue is the fact he's attended a family gathering, it is the fact that he ignores me and the kids and refuses to communicate at all as to what is happening, what time he will be in roughly of course and I just feel like if we played devils advocate, my behaviour would be deemed unacceptable.

@Mrsttcno1 “regularly goes out and ignores calls, comes home later than stated sometimes 3am etc, but this is a first staying out all night”

I'd say that is enough of a statement from the OP to suggest that this is not a once off.

DH doesn't do this ever, but I absolutely would feel justified calling and texting him if he was MIA. Mostly because I'd be worried.

This is good advice, OP.

It sounds like he justifies ignoring you because he knows you will be giving him grief for being out . Then this makes you hassle him even more because he is ignoring you .
youre both stuck in an unhealthy cycle .

Either get out or both change your communication styles if you both want to save it . Sounds very toxic as it is

His lack of respect & courtesy is appalling! Ofcourse he can have a night out, but basic communication isn't an optional extra. You are not controlling by expecting to be informed of plans.

So your married. House is owned, bought during your marriage, his sole name (how come?). Thats still classed as a marital asset.

you need to start getting your ducks in a row and also get a job. 5 year old is now school age.

see a solicitor for financial advice. Starting point is 50:50. Get copies of his wage, savings etc, take passports, birth certs

To not let you (and your poor DD) know what is going on is at the height of disrespectfulness.

Is he usually so self-centered?

You're married, so the house is half yours.