Help us define “dating” and “having an affair”

[RobertoPDX]

TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating”?

My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried.

The trouble started when she lied to
Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume.

When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.

I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks?

She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.

Doesn't matter what words you use. You're beign played for a mug, mate.

She's all but done the deed & she might as well have as she's crossed all other lines.

Don't be an idiot anymore.

How would she feel if roles were reversed?

Move on. Get organised about how a fair split will look practically and financially, but yeah, move on. Sorry xx

You are not petty.

Finish this relationship. She is taking the piss.

Going to another man's house for a massage? Just awful behaviour.

It's not you, it's her. All her.

She brought up an open relationship and I wasn’t into the idea. After talking it over to a friend who’s been married 16 years and has a good, working open relationship with her husband she told me that my wife was dating and so I should too. I asked my wife and she gave me the green light, but the next day we talked about it more and I explained that I only was going to start dating if she was going to continue dating. She insists she’s wasn’t dating her supervisor but assured me she doesn’t want to date anyone else, so I told her I wouldn’t either. I want to be open minded to new experiences and ways of living life, but I’ve never wanted anyone but her since we got together.

She thinks you are a complete and utter mug. Honestly, end this before she gives you some disease.

You're in denial.

She's crossing your boundaries left right and centre and you're worried about terminology.
She doesn't respect or prioritise your feelings.

You're allowed to end a relationship for any reason, including on a whim. This would definitely not be a whim.

Ask yourself why you want to stay married to someone who doesn't care about your feelings and is trying to gaslight you. What makes her so amazing that your own sanity is worth doubting.

She's cheating. Nobody has a massage from their supervisor unless they're already having an emotional affair. Just because other men would want you to sleep with her is utterly irrelevant to anything and is really just her ego speaking. It could also be a reflection of how easy her male friends see her...

You are allowed boundaries and you're allowed to keep them.

Ditch her. She is a selfish, attention seeking nit wit. A massage from her supervisor?? Is that what they call is now? Who does that! It’s vile and incredibly disrespectful to you. Time to send her on her way, you deserve far more and someone who at the very least can be loyal. She isn’t.

Your wife sounds AWFUL. She’s constantly in need of validation from other men and this latest one is evidently cheating. she is selfish and entitled to her core, she ‘may’ not have had sex with this one (not sure I’d believe her as far as I could throw her) but her basic character flaws make her an unsafe partner as she will go further at some point.

You sound like you’re desperately trying to believe her bs, desperately trying to make sense of the senseless, trying to rationalise all this away and she’s using that to twist you into a pretzel to manipulate you further.

Honestly, why are you still there?

It doesn't matter.

Facts and definitions aren't going to achieve anything here. Establishing whose fault it is when something gets broken doesn't make it any less broken and energy wasted on such quibbling only makes the next step harder..

All you have to decide is - are the two of you going to work together to fix what is broken or are you going to clear up the mess, disentangle your lives and go your separate ways?

She's cheating and lying to your face.

She's full of shit, sorry.

This was an emotional affair. Some people actually feel that an emotional affair can be much worse than a physical one.

Going from cheating - yes, she cheated! - to an open relationship so you don't have to confront the issue that your wife has been extremely disrespectful to you and your marriage, is a terrible idea. An open relationship isn't going to stop her from cheating on you again, especially since she's not taking accountability for her actions and downplaying them.

Just get the divorce in action and move on, this is an utter farce. You get one life, don't waste another moment handwringing over this woman.

She’s cheating on you in plain sight and gaslighting you into thinking it’s all just harmless. And telling you to date other people is just so she can justify that your both doing she thing.

She’s a lying cheat - get out it won’t get any better

@RobertoPDX er I would call it a day

Having an affair is forming an intimate / romantic connection with someone who isn't your partner without your partners permission. This can be done remotely, via coffee dates, in office corridors. You don't have to get your leg over to be having an affair. Normally I'd say if you're hiding things from your partner then that is a good sign that you are having an affair. However your girlfriend is brazen. She is having an affair.

Dating is the process of meeting up with a new potential partner / partner to do activities together that you both enjoy in order to build / enjoy a connection together. Dates can be remote but are more commonly in person. You can have an affair without having to go on dates or do dating.

Your girlfriend is having an affair.

It doesn’t matter. This is not a referendum or a legal precedent. The relationship isn’t working for you, and your wife, if you’re representing her fairly, sounds like a tiresome twit who’s addicted to overheated interludes with other men.

she’s not someone to care what I think or feel

I think that here you have all you need to know. It doesn't matter if you call it An Affair, Dating, or A Disrespectful Operation That Makes You Feel Shit, that's not the point.

If you're not happy with it, and she refuses to acknowledge that it's damaging the relationship, then there's all the answer you need.

What?

Jesus Christ are you focusing on the wrong problem here.