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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

triangle business.........

46 replies

sasa15 · 26/03/2008 09:42

I don't want to ruin my marriage, my ds 3.5 years old. I don't understand what kind of love I feel for dh, but I don't want him be in his own without wife and son if we do divorce. But in the meantime I can't stop the affair that I do have with another man
also nice and in love with me.
I feel complete having both as they are completely different and satisfy me in different area, also I don't want destroy marriage and happiness of my son.
But dh knows and how can I carry on this....?
After 3 months had sex this morning with dh, still feel the same. Not great like with the other man.....just normal like before different skills......I need to admit....

really confuse.
I will keep both for different reasons......very unusual....
But they both stressed me out about making my mind up.........

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 09:45

Your husband knows about your affair???

I'm sorry, but I think carrying on the way you are is going to end in heartache for everyone. Sooner or later someone is going to want more - whether that's you, your lover or your DH. (sooner by the sounds of it!)

Sounds like you have made your choice. You don't want to ruin your marriage - so start working on it instead.

CountessDracula · 26/03/2008 09:47

I agree

Make up your mind. Stop messing with people's lives. Your poor ds and dh

Lulumama · 26/03/2008 09:51

i am sure that for some people , having a husband and a lover and everyone knows about everyone else, works as a fulfilling relationship.

you love your husband, but are not in love with him

you are in lust with this other man who satisfies you sexually

how long do you thikn it can continue?

your husband might well take matters into his own hands and leave you

poshwellies · 26/03/2008 09:54

The words cake and eat it spring to mind-it will all come crashing down around your ears and the reality could be that you are left with nothing and if your husband knows about your affair,he needs to grow a backbone

I'm damn sure you wouldn't put up with your husband flitting between you and another women

NomDePlume · 26/03/2008 09:56

'but they both stressed me out making my mind up'

Diddums.

Don't really see what this thread hopes to achieve. You are not asking for advice, you have made your mind up.

skeletonbones · 26/03/2008 10:00

I think you have three choices. leave your husband for the other man, and deal with the fallout.

Finish with the other man and try and work things out with your husband.

Talk to our husband and see if he is agreeable to having an open marriage, so he can have someone on the side too.

or they might both leave you as often seems to happen with affairs, and you would need to be ok with being on your own in that case.

Original poster
sasa15 · 26/03/2008 10:10

i do like the idea of an open marriage....
but only if dh agrees with it.
After 9 years together this is the first time i feel the itch

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 10:16

Sorry, but that's just cobblers....... he obviously didn't 'agree' to your affair...

And what about the other bloke? Does he not get a say either?

I think Skeletonbones could well be right - they might both up and leave you and you'll be wondering why you are on your own!

poshwellies · 26/03/2008 10:16

Feeling the itch?

Sounds like you are well and truly are scratching it .

NomDePlume · 26/03/2008 10:19

"I do like the idea of an open marriage....
but only if dh agrees with it."

Surely that quote is total nonsense, sasa15 ?

Presumably you began this affair without your DH's consent or knowledge and he became aware of the affair once it was already underway ?

You didn't give him the choice whether or not to consent.

Original poster
sasa15 · 26/03/2008 10:29

but I do love them both..
it's unusual.....and it's not only about sex....

OP posts:
Lulumama · 26/03/2008 10:34

it only works if all 3 parties agree

what is the long term plan or aim with this?

Original poster
sasa15 · 26/03/2008 10:36

dh took the blame in part because didn't give
much attention in the last year...
he swithed off thinking he had all.without working on the marriage ......also living in a beautiful place abroad...

OP posts:
Youcannotbeserious · 26/03/2008 10:39

Sasa - go back and reread your post...

Yes, it can work if it's what everyone wants. But both your lover and your husband are pressuring you for a decision....

You HAVE to choose. Neither of these men are prepared to put up with being part time and neither should they, IMHO. I wouldn't!

NomDePlume · 26/03/2008 10:42

This is one of the most narcissistic, self-obsessed threads I have ever read on MN.

NomDePlume · 26/03/2008 10:45

You don't give a stuff about how your behaviour is affecting those around you. So long as you are happy and getting what you want.

I understand that affairs happen, I understand that marriages break down, but generally people are more aware of the impact of their actions and attempt to make amends (either by binning the lover or the long term partner).

Lulumama · 26/03/2008 10:46

so you punished him for not paying you enough attention by sleeping with someone else, instead of working on your marriage too?

two people make or break a marriage

it is not a one way street

OverMyDeadBody · 26/03/2008 10:52

So you want the best of both worlds?

Unless both men agree to it, you're going to have to make some kind of decision.

Don't think they will just wait around forever though, either or both of them could also leave you you know .

yorkshirepudding · 26/03/2008 10:56

Message withdrawn

postingatlast · 26/03/2008 11:18

skeletonbones summed up the three choices you have.

not sure what else can be offered to you in this forum... you will certainly find little empathy for your attitude which, it has been said, reeks somewhat of having your cake and eating it.

nice to see for once, though, a thread which shows some of the regular contributors on here that it's not always the men who act in a self-absorbed/selfish way when it comes to affairs!! I certainly feel sorry for DH here and a little sorry too for the Other Man...

anorak · 26/03/2008 11:22

It's not unusual or different sasa. It's lying and cheating just like when anyone has an affair. You have to dream it's unusual to justify it to yourself. I hope the fallout won't be as heartbreaking as I think it will.

purpleduck · 26/03/2008 11:23

What a fab example to set for your son.

You say you "can't stop" ?

Um....why? Is there a gun to your head...?

I would say that your life needs filling in other ways - it is up to YOU to find out how.

controlfreakyagain · 26/03/2008 11:26

yuk sasa.
you sound incredibly self centred and selfish (polite way of saying you sound up your own arse)

HappyWoman · 27/03/2008 07:52

purpleduck - i was going to say - is this what you would want for your son in the future? Is this anyway for you to be showing how to live.

Of Course they give you different things - they are different but if they both want only you then you are going to have to choose.

You have a good feel of what others will think of you if you carry this on - so you cant even say you have not been warned.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 27/03/2008 07:57

what has living in a beautiful place abroad got to do with starting an affair?