Advice please just don't know if marriage working?

[josseyjo]

Hi,

I am new to the board and I am very low at the moment!

I have been married for 15 years and have a set of twins who will be three in May.
I have always had a volitile relationship with my DH but since the kids have come along it has disintergrated, even though he has always said that they are the best thing that has happened and we should have had them earlier( he wanted to wait and so we did for nearly 11 years!) He was abused as a child and has had all the therapy etc.. and I think is pretty grounded about it all but you never really know what goes on in other peoples minds do you?

We have been to relate twice in our marriage at my insistance, the last was just over 12 months ago, on top of this we have had to declare ourselves bankrupt due to overspending coupled with suprise twins, and then I tried to set up my own business but was draining resources( I am a mortgage advisor) and because of the Bankruptcy I have not been able to work in finance for 12 months, the discharge is tommorrow thank god!

My DH blows hot and cold, we had his mum here all weekend and then we where off to see some of my relatives Sunday afternoon, and his mum was off home,this was arranged weeks ago.My DH decided that he didn't really want to go to see my relatives and became like a stroppy teenager, if we where going he didn't want me to have a drink because then 'I would enjoy myself'(exact words!) and he would have to drive!( he loves driving, is a car enthusiast and has a modified car in the garage right now!, and always insists in driving!). He doesn't like being with any of my realtives even when my mum paid for us to visit her in the Canaries where she now lives, he was gracious whilst there but bitches about it constantly.

He is very controlling and things have to be done his way, he does not physically abuse me, but I am so lonely as he doesn't speak to me if I stand up to him and put my point across, as I did Sunday, we had a big arguement before driving to my realtives, he than got v. drunk was a bit stroppy with my relatives but they ignored him. But to argue before we went in whispers so his mum and the kids didn't here is mad!He constantly snipes at me in front of the kids when I shout back he says don't shout and argue in front of the kids, when he instigated it!!! I really try to bite my tongue but it's tought to let him get his own way all the time.

I don't know what to do, I have no money, no home as we are renting after the bankruptcy, he gets a good wage I'm not working( I have been for interviews and have 1 job offer, but wouldn't support me and the girls)the nursery school fees are £1400 a month alone !!! I have no family that I can stay with

Help!!

Sorry to rant on, I'm just stuck at a cross roads, I really thought marriage was for life

I am 35 and overweight and have no self confidence, I have two close friends, but 1 would say just leave him, and 1 would say pull yourself together for the sake of the kids.I have given myself completely to my DH and kids, and I have no life I don't want to become bitter and twisted about all of this.

What do I do?

Gosh there is a lot here to take in but I did not want to see your thread go unanswered.

Ummm, let's start at basics: do you love him?

I think only you can make the changes you want, you and your DH sound very unhappy as individuals. Do you think you could be depressed?

If you feel he would not listen to you if you sat down and told him how you feel, write him a letter being completely honest and telling him you are at breaking point.

Have you considered having counselling on your own to build up your self esteem and confidence? How about joining a weight loss club, it would help you lose weight and give you more of a social life at the same time

I do love him I consider him my soul mate, but is that just because I've been with him a long time??

I have tried Weight watchers to loose weight but I have so many other things going on at the mo I jsut can't concentrate on it and I'm an emotional eater happy or sad there's always chocolate!.

We have sat down and talked things through many times, this isn't the first time unfortunately, I just don't know if this is my life lesson and I have to push through, or if I say enough is enough!

I was given this advice once and it is very good at focusing attention where it is most needed - on making you believe you are worth something:

Find some quiet time, put on a kitchen timer for about 5 minutes (when twins are napping?)and write down ALL of the things that you want out of life. EVERYTHING no matter how ludicrous it may seem. Let yourself dream.

Then put the list down and do not read it.

Wait a day.

Go back and read it over.

How much of it is actually outwith your control and how much of it can you actually achieve?

Once you have identified the things that you can change - the things that you can actually do something about - put the list away and start working on your achievable goals. IF you start to feel demoralised, get out your list to remind you that you are taking baby steps to towards what it is you actually want your life to resemble.

This may not change your life, but you need to give yourself permission to have dreams and hopes and ambitions and to believe that you deserve to have them.

I think that you need to find some self esteem before you can hope to work on your marriage.

I really wish you all the best - sorry if this is not the answer that you are looking for.

Try Lipotrim for weight loss. I did it for month and the weight dropped off. Have never felt better or looked better. Give it a go. Good luck x

Thanks girls, sorry I didn't get back earlier was shopping, feeding kids you know the usual!!!

The thing that struck me was when you said you have given everything to your marriage. I felt very much like you 2 years ago. (my h was having an affair - which is why we were not getting on). I am passionate about my family and looking back i think i had 'given' too much of myself to my marriage.

During the last 2 years i have lost almost 3 stone in weight, gone back to work and 'saved' my marriage. Now my h looks at me and wonders how he could have ever thought there was anyone else for him .

It has been hard work but i do think if you really want to make a go of it then only you can change yourself and hope that is what your h wants - you just need to show him.

There also sounds as if there is a fair amount of competition and resentment - agian i know about this - we have been to counselling and i think we boht know each other so well we now work as a team on almost every level.

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide.

Good tip about having dreams to work towards.