No one likes me 😔

[Tiredmumclub24]

I'm in my early 50s and I've always been a loner, the odd friend but sadly all moved away. Never been popular. Since having a child In my 30s no one would talk to me at the toddler groups. I now try to attend new groups with hobbies, but women tend to form a group and walk away..or talk then make excuses to leave. I'm used to being in my own but now feel people actively leave, making me think I've done something wrong. I don't know whether to raise it with the woman who's organised it and be bold or just accept I'm not everyone's cup of tea...or quite a lot 😂🙈😞.. laughing but not laughing 😭

No advice but I feel much the same. I don't seem to like what most people like. I have come to accept that I am OK as I am and that I can keep going to groups just won't be included much. I would like to have a really good friend though.

I'm sorry, that sounds very difficult. Not to make you paranoid, but have you ruled out things like body odour, too loud voice, standing too close or whatever?

If it's not anything like that, then you might just need to find people with common interests. Have you had a look at meetup.com? Or you could volunteer?

And if you're feeling brave, then yes, why not raise it with the organiser?

Did you ever ask anyone who was your friend why they liked you or why they think people may not warm to you.

People tend to chat about quite vacuous things of not much consequence at first while they suss each other out. Then as time passes people reveal more of their true selves.

Lots of people are going to join and say I’m lonely or struggle. I have always found friendships easy but have avoided some and here are the reasons.

Always agrees with me, people pleasers

Over sharers

Any probing questions on my financial situation

Peoples partners or children

Very different moral codes. This isn’t so much about political viewpoints but stuff like drug use. They would be gone. I found out someone in my walking group is having an affair, it really put me off her

Anyone in to conspiracy theories, anti vaxxers

When we go to toddler groups, school playground or hobby groups we tend to notice the people who are chatting to others and forming groups and we feel left out, but look around the room, there is always other people on their own. Go and talk to them, just small talk to start, some may have chosen to be alone so you might not get much conversation, but someone who is on their own will definitely be grateful you've spoken to them.

There's a fb group called "thrive" for women interested in coffees and walks etc and they arrange local meet ups. Have a look.

If people looked under my autism they would have a great friend, but they hear the straight replies and think I'm cold or rude so I tend to keep myself to myself mostly. If they got past the I tend not to smile much yet actually am very humorous then they would have a laugh but because of first 5 mins impressions I'm also a loner

Some people are good at small talk which gives you an in, and some people aren't. Are you able to keep the chat flowing, ask relevant questions? If you've always been a loner, you might have less relevant experience to share with others.
The other thought is whether you have some undiagnosed ND that you hadn't realised. The world is made up of all sorts of personality types, some less typical than others, and if you've always felt on the outside, despite trying, and don't get why, maybe there could be some ADHD or ASD at play?

noone likes me i dont think anyone really likes themselves i could not give a shat as long as my kids like me so why are you concerned live your life happy and alone and you will find the right bunch of people eventually x

When we feel that way about ourselves (that no-one likes us), we do two things: 1. We actively seek evidence to support that theory - we notice the groups & the easy friendships, and not the other people on their own, and 2. We subconsciously project an air of diffidence or unfriendliness which puts people off.

That's not saying it's not true that you have difficulties with friendships. Many people do.

But start by recognising that other people can feel the same, and by identifying some small steps to improve the situation. That might be initiating a conversation, staying open & friendly when with others, and reminding yourself that you are likeable.

Sorry you are alone a lot of the time. I am the same tbh, it’s very saddening.

As for some of the comments on here they are also saddening so don’t take them to heart.

I feel like this, mums at the school gate, toddler groups always seemed to ignore me. I think I expect it now so might be quite offish in groups, I think I give off a not interested vibe! I'm doing a short 6 week course and today week 3 I made a real effort to get involved on the break. The women I thought were ignoring me were quite chatty, I think that maybe I'm not relaxed enough and then come across as unfriendly.
I'm not on let's meet up for coffee terms but it did feel quite nice to be involved.
Maybe try and be relaxed and have a few questions ready, I'm shit at small talk so today I had a few things ready to say. Once I got involved it was fine. Big hug to you though because it's not a nice feeling.

I’m the same, I think.
I’m shy, but try to hide it. That means I either come across as cold and disinterested (because I struggle so hard to speak spontaneously) or forceful and abrupt (because I’ve plucked up courage and have to speak before I lose it).
id love to have friends but I’m pretty sure I’m unbearable

I’m exactly the same. I’ve just lost my longest standing friend this year for various reasons and I’ve come to accept people just don’t like me for some reason. Well my dh does - been married 15 years, but women don’t. I just give up with it all. It’s so painful to keep trying to make friendships and not getting anywhere with it all.

I sort of have the opposite problem but it's just as only.

I'm great at starting conversations, keeping them going, being genuinely interested in other people (I do a job that involves active listening so it just feels natural to me).

Lots of people gravitate towards me. Then they talk and talk and talk about themselves. I've got a collection of random acquaintances / friends who I know all about who don't know the first thing about me.

If I try to steer the conversation one vaguely common ground or something about me they just look at me and wait for me to stop talking so they can carry on going on about themselves.

So, when you see people looking like they have lots of friends spare a thought for the fact that I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now. Going through a painful separation that these seeming friends never ask me about while listening to them trauma dump on my endlessly about my own problems.

You sound perfectly lovely op - I’m sure you are not disliked but what would your ideal ‘friendship’ situation be if you were ‘liked’?

@Tiredmumclub24 , I'm so sorry this is how you feel!! U seem lovely to me. 🤗🤗🤗

I am kind of a loner type, I always feel busy with DH or my own thing, I don't drink and I think that hinders me from fitting in as I think a lot of people want a drinking buddy.

I am also quite shy and a bit awkward when I don't know a person well, I've found that in places where I get to know people over time i.e. in work places or in uni I end up being quite popular (even if they think I'm an oddball) so I don't think I am unlikeable at my core but I find it hard to maintain relationships beyond that, I'm not good at reading the signals and perhaps people think I'm not interested and to be fair I've found quite a few would be friends suffocating which makes me wary. I don't want a friend just for the sake of it.

There are other times I feel like I am scared to say the wrong thing and just relax in a persons company which is not good and I am sure puts people off.

I just struggle to get it right, its hard for lots of people I think. For me in the end its been easier to just be happy on my own or with DH but I sometimes think a few friends would be nice.

I honestly think it sometimes just takes ages to make friends unless you are almost forced into a situation (e.g. a project at work, a shared thing (like school gates) and sometimes it is relevant if you are there "at the start" before cliques form - even the nicest of people are not trying to be "cliquey" - they just know who they know and will default to them first before letting another person in. You can make good acquaintances at certain places if you go often regularly and, this can sometimes be "enough" - nice chat (often about the activity) but no real commitment. An example, I go the gym for classes, I get on with quite a few people to chat with, but they've got their own circle that they may go for coffee with afterwards, and I am not in that circle. I am definitely "OK" if you know what I mean, never had bother making friends when younger, reasonably intelligent, GSOH, always happy and open to chatting, don't come across as desperate (and I think that can be an issue), I don't hold any strong views, not odd in any way., share but don't overshare etc BUT I do think that friendships take ages to form and weirdly lots of people think they have enough friends and don't need any more. Please don't necessarily think the problem lies with you. I think if you want to make friends you have to make it a real job, try lots of things (volunteering is a good one) and don't pick and choose if you are invited to something (just go, you might not enjoy it on time 1, but you will get invited to time 2), and be prepared that people will hold you at arms length for a real long time. I would also add that if you fall into a situation that gives "instant friends", while it might work, there are usually pitfalls. You know, it would not harm asking the organiser why things are not working out for you because a) you might get the answer or b) she might be able to help, sometimes a bit of a prompt can do us all a favour to be kind and welcoming, even if it is a bit forced at first c) she will whitewash you, because she hasn't got the spine to do a). I hope this helps, and don't lose the will to keep trying, there are people out there, you just have to find them xx

Could you describe how the conversations usually end OP?

My shy DP was convinced that most people didn’t like him. It turned out he that conversations wouldn’t progress because he hated small talk, wouldn’t engage in a topic he didn’t find interesting and didn’t know how to show an interest in the other person by asking follow up questions etc. It sounds so simple but when he realised small talk is an unavoidable art and he had to put effort into seeming interested in the other people, he made friends.

Do you ask follow-up questions during conversations? Show you’re interested with filler phrases?

I think the only reason I'd keep moving away from someone is if they talked too much, particularly if it was negative. I tend to struggle with big talkers who don't listen well.

This whole thread has resonated with me hugely and has come at just the right time. Very relieved to read it.

I've always found most of my friends through work, has that never been a thing for you?

I thought I'd add also to this, my therapist once told me that the most self actualized people, right at the top of the pyramid of maslows hierarchy of needs often have very few friends. That once changed my way of looking at things when I felt my life was lacking in friendships compared to others.

@Tiredmumclub24 ahhha I'm sort of the other way I get to know people then realise there not worth knowing ,I'm prob the type of person who walks away ,having friends arnt all there cracked up to be most of my friends are gossips and worse ,alougth i have a few genuine friends, do u put much effot into life , maybe u give out certain vibes ,i knew a woman once upon a time who went around preaching to others to recruit aquanteses, i tried being honest with her at the time and she cut me off ,she turned out to be a right nutter its the best thing she ever did for me😂😂😂😂

Just tell yourself you are enough. Be the person you like to be. And keep looking for Your Tribe. They are somewhere for sure. Jumping on the bandwagon, but reading through your posts makes me feel less alone. My mate changed the date for his birthday meal to accomodate some other friends; I have to work that evening, so now, I cant make it. Really Made me feel left out and like it really doesnt matter if I am part of that group or not. Should make the effort to find another group of friends , but me too, I feel like I am the problem and why bother history will only repeat itself.