my dad is an alcoholic - do I confront him or let it go?

[geekgirl]

My dad has always been a heavy drinker but I guess my mum used to stop it getting out of control, although I experienced him drunk many times when I still lived with my parents.

Since my mum's death shortly before Christmas my dad's drinking has got pretty terrible and I don't know what to do. He's here for the Easter holidays at the moment and I am really quite shocked by how much he drinks - he'll start with a couple of pints with lunch, have another beer or two in the afternoon, and then drink maybe a litre of wine in the evening, and fit a triple measure of spirits in there as well. He is tall but very skinny and doesn't eat properly at all.

I know he's having an absolutely terrible time grieving for my mum and can't sleep properly etc. so I don't know if there is any point in me even saying anything. After all, he has apparently had treatment for alcoholism many times over the years (my mum told us all this last year), so it's not like I'd be telling him something new.

My brother has on occasion had a go at him about his drinking, but then my brother is a very black and white teetotaller who doesn't really have a proper perspective on drinking in general. This generally just really gets my dad's back up and he'll complain about my brother being a bit of a pain and so on...

I am very upset about it but don't know what I can do. He is coming on holiday to France with us for 3 weeks in the summer, and keeps saying that all he wants to do is look after the kids and help us so that we can go out on our own for the day etc. - at the moment we would be extremely reluctant to have him babysit once they're all in bed, nevermind looking after small children during the day, with a swimming pool by the house.

Dh thinks I should talk to him about it, but tbh I think that would just result in him drinking in secret and feeling that I am getting at him, too. It's not like he doesn't know IYSWIM.

Any suggestions/perspectives on this?

You won't stop him drinking. I think the best approach is a gentle chat where you impress upon him how worried you are about him. I think you have to raise your concerns about him looking after your children when he's been drinking too.

You're right about your brother - that attitude won't help matters, which is why you're right to be concerned about him sneaking off to drink. You could say you don't mind him having a drink at all, but emphasise how worried you are, and maybe ask how he thinks your mum would feel, if that's not too much emotional pressure.

I'm really sorry for you all about your mum - never a good time to lose a parent, but just before Christmas must have been really hard

Not much advice I'm afraid,just wanted you to know your not on your own.
I have a similar situation with my Mum,she drinks wine every evening from tea-time,she can easily go through a large (litre) bottle a night.
Up until last Summer myself and my Dc were living with them,which made the situation even worse, and at the odd time my parents baby-sat I was uneasy about leaving them,although most time's they were asleep and my Dad was there too.

She's incredibly sensitive about it,and gets very defensive when anyone in the family mentions that she may be drinking too much.
I think deep-down she does know she has a problem ,but it seems to be a thinking of her generation that if your not on spirits and drinking from first thing in the morning then your not an 'alcoholic'.

we all sort of sweep it under the carpet as shes an emotionally sensitive person anyway...not the best solution but to be honest we can't see any other way of dealing with it.

i think talking to people who love you does make a difference yes he may feel defensive but he will also know you care

he is no doubt finding things very hard but there is also the possibility that he is in a new phase of his life and it is a good time for him to make another effort to drink less/give up

it is lovely of you to have him spend 3 weeks of holiday with you and maybe that could be a goal for him to get his drinking under control and get fitter

i would have some gentle discussions with him about strategies for getting drinking under control and lifestyle in general and tell him how much you want him to stick around and enjoy his life and have a positive approach

i wouldnt worry about secret drinking because thre effects of drinking openly or secretly are exactly the same...but if you offer him support then he might at least feel he should try

in the end it is down to him but i think family love and fsamily interest does make a difference

I would get support for your own self from Al-anon as you cannot and should not carry this problem on your own. They can also explain your role in the merry go around of denial called alcoholism. Many family members often and unintentionally enable the alcoholic person. You certainly do not want to be or become your Dad's enabler.

You can talk to your Dad when he is sober but you will need to prepare yourself for the likelihood that he will not listen. His primary relationship is with drink, everything else comes a distance second. Many alcoholics are often mired in denial and can do manipulation very well. Your brother probably reached the end of his tether with his Dad a long time ago but having a go re excess drinking only makes such people go more on the defensive.

Do not leave him in charge of your children.

It is interesting about your brother. I have an alcoholic husband who has successfully tackled his drinking through the AA and a mother who is in complete denial about her drinking.

I also have a very black and white perspective on drinking. As a reaction to my mother and husband I do not drink at all, partly out of support to my husband and partly out of a fear that I will one day become my mother.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

thank you all for the responses - attila, you're right I need to ensure I'm not an enabler, whilst not alienating him at the same time.
I do feel very protective of him and responsible for him at the moment which I think I need to move away from a bit anyway - it's so difficult because I know he is feeling very lonely and sad and I feel desperately sorry for him, but I have fallen into the classical 'dutiful daughter' role and I don't think it's good for me IYSWIM - I've got children who need me, and my life here.
It's so difficult. I wish my mum was here

I've just spoken to DH and he says sadly there is very little you can do until he is willing to face the truth. When he is ready the AA will be ready to help and support him. We highly recommend them. What ever happens, don't let him go cold turkey as it very dangerous.

thanks fio, he does attend a bereavement group and finds that really helpful - it's only once a fortnight though. I think something more frequent would be really good, but he doesn't seem particularly receptive to anything I say at the moment