Another friendship one

[elfsmum]

have been friends with X for the past 20 years, we were very close, went out regularly together, for a period we worked together so would see each other most days, and talk every day.

We were at each others weddings (she read at mine) have been there for every big event, children being born, parents dying etc she is Godmother to my DS2.

We haven't worked together now for 10 years, and as the kids have come along the seeing each other has gotten less frequent, usually making an effort a few times a year.

The last 12- 18 months have seen us make a number of arrangements to do lunch or tea, which has been called off at the last minute by X.

The phone calls more or less stopped when she had her DS (now 3) as I felt it too disturbing to ring her of an evening due to bath and bed time routines. (used to drive me mad when I had my own friend who is childless ringing when I was trying to settle a baby)

But we still kept in touch with emails every day.

We both work full time, as do our DH's, she has a family that call on her more than mine do on me - she is always really busy, and whenever I do see her she is rushing to the next thing.

I know that it's harder to maintain friendships as you get older and life gets in the way and that's o.k.

It is my DS1 1st communion in a couple of weeks and I've got her invitation here, thought I was seeing her for tea and would give her it then (she called off for a very good reason)

thought I'd see her over Easter with eggs for the children to swap - I didn't

Thought I'd see her yesterday for DS2 (her Godson's) birthday - not even a call

I feel that even if she does come she'll be rushing off to do something else (it's a Saturday and one of the only 2 days of a week she gets)

so my decision today is do I drop the invitation off or just leave it for her to get in touch now

I got an email off her to say if I'm booking anything (theatre/concert) to include her as we never see each other - the first thing I've asked her to she's seen 3 times and doesn't want to see againg (fair enough)

I just don't feel like she has any time for me, and that even when a bit is spared then it's sandwiched in between the next thing she has to go to - DH has even said on a number of occassions when I've supposed to have been meeting her - what time is X going to cancel

Sounds like you're justified in feeling a bit let down by her, although as you say, her reasons are generally good! Perhaps if you focused on new friends or something else in your life it would start to bother you less. Also she might start to be more reliable if she had to do the chasing herself sometimes?

Definitely send her the invitation - could cause a huge rift if she realises she's not been invited to something. But don't bother initiating after that. If she's having trouble meeting your arrangements she should make arrangements that she could keep - you could actually say that politely - that she seems so busy and struggling with arrangements that it would be better for her to arrange things she knows will be convenient for her.

I reckon she doesn't realise how often she cancels, nor how you feel about it. She sounds a bit overstretched.

Put a note in with the invitation (which I'm assuming your posting through her door) saying you would love to see her as you've not spent any time together since [last date you saw each other] as she so often has to cancel. Keep it cheerful and non accusative. Just say you miss her and wish she'd have come to ds2's birthday.

I think if you do book tickets for something she is more likely to come along, as she'll have spent money in advance, tbh.

thanks guys, as i say we're both busy, and I'm generally easy going, had a house full of people yesterday.

have said to her I know how busy you are but tbh i don't anymore as we're not in contact that much I'm just assuming that she is

and the arrangements we make now are supposed to be convenient to her, dates times and events made to fit in with her

I suppose what's got to me now is that it's not just me she's let down it's DS2 - it was his birthday and she's supposed to be his Godmother - even a phone call if she'd forgotten to wish him a happy birthday

Blimey - she sounds like my mother! She has no time for anyone and even when she does squeeze us (family) in - she is in a hurry to get something else done. Me and my sister think that it is unprescribed longterm postnatal depression - as I got a bit like this after having DD. A bit of a control freak - lots of to do lists - never wasting a second of the day - multi-tasking with everything! I'd be breastfeeding, reading a parenting book, eating dinner AND doing pelvic floors at the sametime. Could this perhaps be it?

Although obviously that isn't really an excuse for her not to make an effort. Perhaps you could send her one of those cards that say something thought provoking like 'friendships are like flowers, if you do not water them, they will wilt and DIE' I remind myself of this anytime I get a bit 'busy'!

when it was her DS's birthday a few weeks ago, I was all prepared with his pressie and turned up at her house to find the house full of family and friends, she looked a little embarrased saying "we're not having a party"

I said it was fine, stayed for a bit and then left

it's as if she's "forgotten" that she has a friend in me, although when she needed something from me a little while ago she had no problem finding the time to ring me then

I think that his friendship has probably seen it's course, what do you think ?

I'm always running to the next thing, and while I know its percieved as rude by some people, at least I am getting to do as much/see as many people as I can. Its surely better than constantly turning down invitiations. I rarely see friends other than at special occassions, which I always make a real effort to attend.

So do invite her to the 1st communion, I hope its a lovely day for you all.

Oh dear, elfsmum, it sounds like you could be right That's rotten aboutthe party - didnt' you call her first to say you'd be popping round?

I'd keep an eye out for a new godmother for ds2 I think. More of a long term eye out, rather than replacing her within the week iyswim.

I think the friendship is ebbing. That doesn't mean it will never come back again, maybe things will be different when your children are all at school. Perhaps it's best to accept things as they are, call her less (if you still do at all), always make a plan B for when she cancels, let the emails become less frequent.

What strikes me about the emailing isthat it's much easier to tell a white lie in an email than face to face, or on the phone. Maybe that kind of makes it easier for her. I think she's very overstretched. I don't think it sounds malicious. She could have a whole bunch of things going on that she doesn't want to talk about. It could be that she perceives that you are coping well with working full time and being a parent, and wiht her overbooked chaotic life she feels embarrassed and inadequate. Not necessarily how things are, but it's surprising sometimes how two views of the same situation can differ.

Keep communication open, friendly and don't expect a lot.

Hi WT

I didn't call I did just turn up on spec

I know she has a lot more pressure on her than I do

her DH doesn't drive mine does
her DH doesn't cook mine does
her DH doesn't shop mine does
her DH doesn't do child care mine does

plus she has a large family and in laws to support - mine don't look for anywhere near the same level

that said me and DH will say enough is enough we need some us time, family time, me time

I think the big difference is I have a DH who shares and at times takes on a full time role of house and children - she doesn't have that

so I will drop off the invitation today, will make nice noises when she realises she's missed DS2's birthday - she will be mortified

and I will keep communication open and friendly and not expect an awful lot

on the other hand one of my other friends (of 22 years) is upset with me as she perceives that I'm spending more time with a 3rd friend (of 4 years) more than her and told me that I'm not allowed to go on a girly weekend away with friend 3 before I do one with her - I can't win

Sorry, didnt' mean to sound accusative there

I think you're right not to expect a lot, unfortunately.

Then ask all your friends to get together and to email you a schedule detailing exactly what percentage of your time should be spent where, for the next year, allowing time for holidays, contingency plans and time to read their bloody schedule.

Only then can you win

agree friendship has run it's course...has happened to me, I've been on both sides. Sad but a fact of life.

at last paragraph, am always amazed how jealous friends can get, I love mine having more friends. I have a handful of really close friends and know they're there for me but don't think I should get all their time.

Hope she does come round and get in touch but I wouldn't chase if it were me.

didn't take it as accusing no problem

you'd think I was really popular, I'm not !