Lack of common interests

[iamnotgroot0]

Myself and my wife have been going through a tough few months relationship wise, which obviously leads to a lot of thinking and taking stock of where we are at both individually and as a couple. Something it’s led me to realise is we really have very little in common or shared interests outside of the kids. This ranges from music to what we want to watch on tv (it can literally take ages to pick something 🤦🏼‍♂️) to the fact I’m far more active, out and about, take a more positive let’s go and do something mentality etc. Obviously some a minor things, some are major but it really feels like quite a big deal to me. Once the kids are older and need us less (they’re 10 and 13), which isn’t that long, I can’t see what our life might be like or how we’ll coexist without wanting different things. Kids obviously complicate things, hence why I’m finding this quite a difficult thing. Does anyone else have hugely different interests/nothing in common? How do you deal with it?

What did you have in common before you had kids? What did you do on dates, what activities did you do together etc... I can't really imagine getting into a relationship where there were no overlapping interests at all. And do neither of you take an interest in what the other person enjoys?

DP and I have a core of shared interests (food, music, art) and a few things that the other one will never be interested in at all. But there's quite a lot in the middle where we've managed to get each other into something because the other person is so enthusiastic. Would he go to book readings without me - probably not but he likes them enough to come along sometimes. Would I play strategic card games without him - probably not but I'm now into them enough to play them with him on holiday.

It's actually really good that you've realised this now, rather than after the kids have gone off to live their life and you find yourself living with a roommate rather than wife.
You may not have shared interests now, but that doesn't mean you can't create some down the line. Or trying to take more of an interest in the things your spouse enjoys.

I work with a lot of couples who say they have nothing in common, but looking back at the early days of their relationship they didn't have any common interests either. But they put in the effort to enthusiastically spend time in their spouses interests.
That means taking turns picking a movie and even though the movie isn't what you would have picked, try to be happy to spend time together. Talk about the things you liked and disliked about the movie. Enjoy watching your spouse having a good time watching this movie.
Same with other activities. You don't have to like all the things your spouse likes. But the foundation for a good relationship is being able to enjoy doing something because your partner enjoys it, and balancing both of your interests.
For example my husband likes playing video games, which is a solo activity. But Sometimes he will play them on our big screen and I'll just sit by him and watch him play, and listen to him being excited about the story or the graphics. Honestly, without him that wouldn't be how I spend the evening, but I take pleasure in spending that time with him being in his element.

Are there literally any things that you share an interest in? When our children were the ages yours are (we have 4, so when DS1 was 14, DS2 was 13, DS3 was 11 and DS4 was 8), it was a struggle to find any time together and in hindsight I think we forgot what our shared interests, or even what our individual interests were! As DSs grew older, they shared some of our individual interests (eg DS2 liked going to church, walking & swimming with me & the others liked playing golf with DH). We'd all watch The X Factor, eat a take away curry and enjoy sun sea & sand type holidays together.

Now DSs have left home, DH & I have rediscovered watching sports on TV together, particularly football. We can find TV programmes/box sets that we both like. DH has come to enjoy joining me for country walks. We had dogs as family pets for 18 years. Everyone loved them and walking them became a shared activity. DH & I still enjoy travelling & going on holiday and we now have time to cook curries from scratch. There aren't a lot of things we both enjoy, but there are enough!