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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife Constantly Accusing me of Cheating

5 replies

OpalFatball · 07/03/2024 11:06

Hi All, first time posting here. I am a married man of nearly 10 years, been together for 11. Have 3 children together and have always been best friends as well as partners. Been through so much, if we wrote a book, you would not believe it to be true. My youngest is on the ASD spectrum as well so can be quite stressful.
Recently, we have been going through a lot. We became victims of the Variable mortgage rate and struggled to get a new one, causing a lot of stress. Everything we have worked for, nearly went down the drain. My brother in law, who is estranged from the family, along with his wife and daughter, decided to threaten me and my kids at the school. They threw bricks and wine bottles at our house scaring my eldest child into basically shock. My mother in law, who lives next door stopped talking to us randomly. Affected my wife a lot but still was me who had to pick up the pieces. I was also then threatened by my mother in laws best friends family. Literally, not done a thing wrong to anyone other than stand by my wife. Recently, I have basically just given in to the stress of the previous 6 months and have been drifting through life, on auto pilot almost. I work from home everyday, my wife works 3 days in the office and 2 at home so gets to see the world as she is out and about vising clients etc. Whilst the only human interaction i get, is on the school run. She has time to escape from the stresses, i dont. She doesnt understand why i get stressed. Too much time to think and go over stuff.
I havent been myself recently, i know this. I will always hold my hands up if im in the wrong, however, i do believe i have been stressed/depressed. Again, i have apologised. However, my wife think's its because I am involved with another woman. Whether it be texting, speaking to or actively having physical relationships with other women. I havent. Ever in the 11 years we've been together. I'm not interested, I love my crew. But she cant get it out of her head that i've been unfaithful. No matter what i say or do, she doesnt believe it. Its heartbreaking because i cant prove i havent done anything as there is nothing to disprove. I have told her she is welcome to my work and personal email and my phone. I dont have social media so cant give her that. She doesnt want to look. I dont know what else i can do and its killing me but i cant stay with someone who is constantly trying to prove her theory 'all men are the same' correct. Im broken

OP posts:
SlowlyLurking · 07/03/2024 11:15

Firstly, get help from the GP for your depression. None of this works unless you can claw yourself out from the depressed place.

Secondly, you've protested all you can. If she refuses to look at your phone and refuses to accept you're not involved, ask her what exactly is it that she wants from you. Often she'll be stumped and she actually just feels your relationship has fallen by the wayside and become very withdrawn due to life and your presumed depression. It's easier to blame another woman than to blame life happening and your depressive state.

OpalFatball · 07/03/2024 11:22

SlowlyLurking · 07/03/2024 11:15

Firstly, get help from the GP for your depression. None of this works unless you can claw yourself out from the depressed place.

Secondly, you've protested all you can. If she refuses to look at your phone and refuses to accept you're not involved, ask her what exactly is it that she wants from you. Often she'll be stumped and she actually just feels your relationship has fallen by the wayside and become very withdrawn due to life and your presumed depression. It's easier to blame another woman than to blame life happening and your depressive state.

I have spoken with a GP recently. I am being sent for CBT. I have never had any mental health problems but just completely fallen flat in the last couple of months, thankfully i have noticed for myself and doing something about it. I've had friends who have taken their own lives through it and i have everything to live for.
I have also asked her what else she wants from me. I dont understand. I have tried to sit and talk about it calmly and without aggression but still get the accusations. I have also risen to the bait once as well as had just about enough of it, quite a bit barney. I cant carry on trying to prove my worth to her. She is going through a lot as well, she has lost her dad 2 years ago and her mum is currently unwell in hospital. I have been there for her though everything and been the emotional punchbag but i cant do that and still be accused of wrongdoing without substance.

OP posts:
SlowlyLurking · 07/03/2024 11:32

I agree, there's no way forward without you both willing to put this behind you. I understand she may need reassurance if she suspects an affair but if she's not providing evidence and refusing to take yours, her only option is to put up or leave.

Rania78 · 07/03/2024 11:38

Hmmm…projection? Why doesn’t she look at your phone when you offer? Maybe look at hers when she least expects it.

OpalFatball · 07/03/2024 11:41

Rania78 · 07/03/2024 11:38

Hmmm…projection? Why doesn’t she look at your phone when you offer? Maybe look at hers when she least expects it.

Edited

that has actually crossed my mind before but I dont believe it to be true and I am more than secure enough in my mind that she hasnt. That being said, it could well be. All of her mates have been cheated on and she has in the past. So she think's she is a professional in this subject without realising that actually, we aint all the same. And can genuinely be nice people without hurting others. My family is all i have as i dont speak to parents/siblings or anyone from my side at all. My wife and kids are my world! But she doesnt want to believe it!

OP posts:
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