Angry Boyfriend

[LissyDuffy]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. My boyfriend (we've been togather nearly two years and have a one year old daughter) is usually lovely but his temper tantrums are getting mroe and more often. Just as a few examples, today his computer wasn't working well so he punched it, last night he lost an important letter and shouted at me when I suggested where it could be (it was where i said), he shouts when I ask him to do housework or help with the baby, he keeps saying he's disapointed with the child and shes not exciting enough, he doesn't work, yet when I go out to work he moans and sulks so much about babysitting that I've ended up taking her to my mothers a couple of times. I have a degree to study for, as well as working and doing most of the housework and most of the childcare while he does nothing apart from the cooking, yet whenever I ask him if he has applied for anything he flies off the handle.
I'm scared of him, not that he'll hit me or anything, but that he'll shout at the lodger or the baby, or smash something. I dread him coming home from the pub because he has his music on full blast and sings along to it, and shouts at anyone who doesn't sit and listen. He calls me names all the time, calling me stupid, I suppose I'm not a genius like him, but i get good marks at uni so I'm not thick. Every time I try to talk to him I end up apoligising and feeling stupid. HE goes around messing up things on purpose to wind up my mate the lodger, telling her (and me) that its his house and he can do what he likes. I've refused to pay his rent, but his mother keeps sending him money and he still gets child tax credit even though he doesn't work. He just accuses me of being matierialistic when i bring up money. What can I do???

Would he go to Anger Management sessions? Counselling on the NHS in my area is non existant but he was referred for alcohol counselling at a project and one of the things they ran was Anger Management? xxx

Would he go to Anger Management sessions? Counselling on the NHS in my area is non existant but he was referred for alcohol counselling at a project and one of the things they ran was Anger Management? xxx

Would he go to Anger Management sessions? Counselling on the NHS in my area is non existant but he was referred for alcohol counselling at a project and one of the things they ran was Anger Management? xxx

He sounds incredibly childish. I would get him out tbh. What exactly do you get from the relationship. He needs to grow up and support his child.

Wow. He really sounds like one to get rid of, and quickly. You and your mate should move out and get a place together, you don't need him.

The child 'isn't exciting enough'? Jeez. Move out, tell him to get his sh*t together, and maybe when he starts acting like a grownup he'll have access to his daughter.

'he keeps saying he's disapointed with the child and shes not exciting enough'

Sorry to be so blunt but your boyfriend sounds like an arsehole if he can say this about his dd. Agree with other posters he has anger management issues. At the very least you need to have a complete break from him - can you stay with your mum for a time?
Please don't let him put you down, or make you feel stupid. You are NOT stupid. He is trying to undermine your self confidence.
If he truly cares for you hopefully a break from him will make him see that he loves you and your dd and will try to change his behaviour. But you have to send the message to him that you will not accept his treatment of you.
Good luck and be strong

I'm sorry to sound harsh or worry you but I would never, ever leave my child in the care of this man unsupervised

Is there a way you could move out or get him to move out?

He sounds dangerous, violent and completely devoid of any nice qualities tbh.

Do it quick or your daughter is very likely to be damaged - emotionally if not physically - by witnessing this kind of behaviour.

I think it would take years of intensive therapy for this man to be able to change - even to be aware he has issues.

You can't change him yourself Lissy. Get him out of your lives as much as you can. that is all you have the power to do and is totally within yor rights to do so. Womens aid are good on this if you need advice - they will surprise you by the way they take it seriously. It's domestic violence, maybe not yet physical but definitely emotional - been there myself and it destroys you having to walk on eggshells forever.

Agree he has issues with his anger management and needs help.

It always amazes me when some men refer to it as 'babysitting' when looking after their child!

He sounds immature, abusive and nasty. Are you sure you want to be with this man?

Lissy,

Seriously , you need to get rid of him, he is contributing nothing to your family life and seems to want the life of a single unattached chap but with a mummy in the background giving him money and a doormat of a girfriend who also provides sex.

Harsh , but these are the facts.

You and your daughter deserve better and you will get it but you need to break away from him as he will make you miserable ( I suspect he already does this much of the time) and eventually he'll fu** up your daughter's mind in respect of what contributes a decent family life and a capable loving caring parent.

Would concur fully with the other replies. This is all about power and control; he wants both over you.

All of the women in his life are enabling him; his mother by providing him with cash (that should stop forthwith) and you by being his verbal punchbag and putting up with same. He is likely only with you because of your own inner lack of self worth (you are easier thus to contol); such men have radar for women with low self worth and esteem and hone in on them like bees around a honey pot. These men as well also have deep seated issues and they cannot be fixed, particularly by their partner who may try their utmost to make him change.

You are in an abusive relationship and by turn your daughter is as well. You want her ultimately to have a relationship like the one you're in - of course not. Chances are she will though if you do not act now. Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; going back to you what is she learning her from you both?.

Read the Womens Aid website and contact them asap. The ball is now in your court; you alone have to take that first step to get out and that is often the hardest one.

He doesn't sound like a genius. He sounds like a fool.

He doesn't have to hit you to be abusing you.

Ok, she's little now, but they grow fast and soon she'll be watching it all and taking it in. Do you know how frightening it is for a child to be screamed at by a big scary out of control adult? It is damaging. And watching him verbally abuse you? And being told she is not good enough for him? And seeing you walked all over and running round after him like a servant while he does nothing? And god only knows what else he becomes capable of over time.

If I was in this situation, I would move out with my child (and the lodger!) and tell him that if he gets help, you will discuss the possiblity of moving back in once he has proven that he has changed.

Nothing in the world matters more than protecting your child. No obstacle cannot be overcome.

You are not stupid. Heavens, you're at Uni! That's not something everyone does, is it? And bringing up a child! I could not have EVER managed to raise a baby while I was at Uni. You've obviously got guts and determination and want to better yourself.Why do you say he's a genius? What has he done to earn such an accolade from you, the one who's working and studying while he loafs about, doing sod all? He obviously feels unworthy about himself, so takes it out on you - the one who is doing something with her life.

You've got some self-esteem issues to deal with and the best thing for that would be getting rid of this boyfriend who makes you feel little and calls you names.

Don't let any man call you names. Dont let your child grow up hearing a man call you names, thinking this is acceptable.

Best of luck to you.

My God, some of the descriptions of this mans bahaviour and attitude towards women and children are utterly chilling.

Never leave your baby alone with him.

So he hasn't hit you (yet). I dread to think what he might do if pushed any further or if the 'boring child' steps out of line.

Make your plans to get away from him (or get him out).

Well I've spoken to him and he's promised to change. The problem is, he's lovely to me and the baby most of the time. I was feeling ill this morning (prob because I'd been up all night worrying) and he got her up and took her to nursery then cooked my lunch and was really lovey and nice. I told him I was thinking of leaving and he was really nice and sorry and promised that he'll try and control himself in future. Maybe he's got some kind of postnatal depression? I'm still on drugs for completely losing it when the baby was born, I starting seeing things and accusing everyone of plotting behind my back, and he was there for me, so maybe I should repay that?

Lissy

Why should you repay him, repay him for what?. It sounds like you're making excuses for him as many women in these types of situations do. This is a man who says he is disappointed with his daughter and says she is not exciting enough!!!. What do you think that is about?. Being nice to you for one morning is not enough. He cares not a jot for you and his child.

He is patently NOT lovely to you and your baby girl most of the time.

You are scared of him (you have written those very words), he calls you stupid (you are patently not) he does nothing around the house of a day and has no job. What is he contributing to your family unit exactly apart from shouting at people like you and the lodger or hitting things when things do not go his way?. You are allowing yourself to be used and abused by him.

You two should not be together and I would argue never should have gotten together in the first place.

Abusive men like this can be all sweetness and light one minute and then awful the next. I would think he will remain nice to you for a week or two till the rot sets in and he shows his abusive side again. This will keep happening and you're giving him the green light to continue. These men also promise to change; he has said this because you're now onto him and his behaviours. He will not change.

He will not change.
Attila is right - please listen to her. It's hard to admit you've let behaviour like this go on for any length of time - denial is very common. You really need to turn it around and get angry. Would you treat him this way? No.

It's scary but please look at the reality and admit to yourself that you've let this happen for too long already. Yes, he is abusive, no he will not change (they NEVER do) and you'll be wasting your life treading on eggshells.

He's afraid of losing you because he needs someone who won't stand up to him. He thinks you'll buy the apology. You have.

He probably can't help it, which is not a good thing, it means you're in danger and so is your little girl.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child. You can't make him change.

Have a look at this site especially the stuff about verbal abuse. This page shows what might be happening at the moment.

Katisha that is a very good site

It's odd how nearly every abusive relationship works in that pattern, I can apply it to most I have ever heard about or witnessed/been part of.

Lissy I don't want to scare you but I am willing to bet quite a lot on the fact that next time it will be worse and someone might get hurt. And he will say sorry again.

Have you any support? Is your mum around to help/have you stay for a few days? I needed someone to tell me to leave and be willing to take control for me/take me under her wing, before i felt I could cope with doing it.

I have never looked back.

He won't change. He won't get better. He won't stop behaving in this way towards you and your DD.

I do hope you realise this and leave the bastard. If not for yourself, then for your DD's sake.

Lissy, I read your post at work and so wanted to post a response but unfortunately we are not allowed (and I shouldn't have been on the site anyway )

I was in a relationship like this for many years with an emotionally abusive XP. Although his behaviour was nowhere near the level of your DP it was bad enough for me to leave. DS was one at the time, so I know it can be done.

Please don't make excuses for this awful man and take this sort of behavior seriously because it just gets worse. You don't deserve this, not on ANY level.

I know you are saying he was 'nice' but all this proves is that he is perfectly in control of himself and will revert to his normal abusive self once he thinks he's got you where he wants you. The niceness is an act to get what he wants. No-one who is genuinely a nice or decent person behaves this way.

Thinking of you.

I agree his niceness is just an act, and of course he has promised to change. His life is easier with you in it so he will say what needs to be said to keep you. His actions will not reflect his promises though.

I don't think he wants to be there, in all honesty. Don't mean to be hurtful, I'm just saying what it sounds like. It's all too boring for such a cool dude as him. Reminds me of xh. Sorry Lissy.