No respect

[TotesToasties]

Will try to keep this brief.

My H has no respect for me. He won't/can't communicate and refuses to talk about the issues we have in our marriage (poor communication, moodiness/short temper/low tolerance, etc.). I've asked a number of times to discuss things but there's always an excuse - too busy with work, not feeling well, etc. when I try to start a conversation (having picked what I feel is the best time for him), he doesn't engage and it turns into an argument. I've told him, very clearly, how I feel and that every day that passes, resentment is growing, but still he won't talk about it. He can't do enough for his mum and sister (which is one of the things that first attracted me to him) but he doesn't extend the same courtesy to me. He also puts work ahead of us. I know his job is important to him, and us as a family, but he prioritises it over us. It's sad but I don't like him as a person anymore. He's considerate in the sense that he makes me food and drinks, does his fair share around the house and with the DC, always makes a big deal of birthdays/mother's day, etc. but he's so emotionally immature that it's put me right off him. I don't actually have much respect for him anymore either. I find him rude and dismissive.

I've suggested couples counselling but he's not interested. I can't change him, I know that. I feel trapped in a loveless marriage with someone who makes me unhappy. I want to leave (well, I'd like him to leave) but it's not that straightforward due to finances and DC.

Don't know what I hope to get from this post to be honest, just needed to vent.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, I’m in a similar one. I can only tell you what I’m currently doing - though it may not work for you and some bits won’t apply.

My dp had a four year affair which ended a couple of years ago. He has also, I strongly suspect, cheated in the past. We are like room mates. I gave up work after having our dc close together partly because I felt it was right, I was knackered and couldn’t have managed working pt, and also because my dp asked me - he got a good promotion to partner after our second dd was born and it made financial sense as my wages would have only just covered childcare.

I’ve now been out of work years as he just wanted me at home, and I was happy with that for a long time. Now though I want more from life. I’m going for lots of interviews, I’m also doing all I can to change his mindset as I want to get married, purely for financial security. I don’t really plan on leaving as I’m used to lack of intimacy, his rotten attitude no longer bothers me as I have a healthy social life full of lovely friends and close family, and I’m happy with that. I just want to live peacefully and knowing I don’t have to worry unduly about bills not give up holidays. I’m 53 though so possibly older than you. I’m also deaf in one ear and my other will likely go in the future too. So I can’t do what i used to.

im happy to settle as I have a good life otherwise, and I encourage his hobbies (running and cycling) so I get peace at home.

If I was ten years younger than I am I would be looking to leave and start over. I’d have the energy and the enthusiasm. So if you can I’d suggest anyone else to do it. Sort the finances as best as you can and move forward with life - a peaceful life is worth it.

I hope you can make the decision which is right for you - it’s not one size fits all. You can stay or go. I understand the resentment that builds but if you decide to stay you just have to let that go - therapy has been helping me with these feelings. And if it’s too much or you can’t let go, then you need to move along and whilst it’s hard at first, you will find a way to manage (I did this with ex husband when I was 30 with two small children, one was a baby). Good luck.

Thank you for your reply!

Our situations sound very similar. I'll be 40 this year but my 2 DC are both pre-school age. There's been no intimacy in our relationship since our youngest was conceived (he's about to turn 2). I have no interest whatsoever!

I also gave up work to be a SAHM when my youngest was born as there is less than 2 years between mine. It was my decision though. We recently moved into our "forever home" and have spent a lot of money on it, with a lot more still to go (that we don't currently have). We have a good, comfortable lifestyle as a family.

H doesn't have any hobbies and I do mine in the mornings so we spend every evening (once the kids are in bed) sitting staring at our phones/the TV in silence. He has no conversation unless it's about his job (which is boring). If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd be gone in a shot! For now, I'm biding my time. Once my youngest starts nursery I'll be looking to get back to work.

I'm sorry you're in the same position but glad you have a full enough life for it not to take up too much of your headspace.

That doesn't sound very pleasant. Does he realise you're considering leaving him due to his lack of communication? Has he always been like this? Do you think if you told him the lack of willingness to communicate is causing you to consider ending the relationship he might wake up a bit or have you already tried this?

You only get one life, stop wasting it being miserable

He's fully aware but doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it. He's only been like this since the DC came along. At first I put it down to the stresses of young kids, lack of sleep, etc. But it's gone past that now.

I agree but going it alone with 2 young DC and no income doesn't make leaving easy. It's something to be worked towards. I don't want to make any rash moves.

Hmm sounds like you definitely need to start making some moves. Firstly becoming as financially dependent as possible. If he knows you're considering leaving and doesn't care and you both sit in silence every night it's not looking hopeful. Especially if he won't agree to counselling or change. I'd definitely begin focusing on becoming independent. Along the way you might find more zest for life and things could change but if you're not ready to cut ties right now at least start making plans towards a positive future. You're young and your children will be fine with happy loving parents whether they're together or not. It's true you only get one life, it's time you started living it.