DM, Mothers Day and gifts/flowers

[huileverte]

This is going to sound petty I suspect, but bear with me.....

I'm in my late 40s, DM in her 70s. Our relationship is ok-ish but relatively LC, we get on ok, but not close. She wasn't a fantastic mother when I was younger, but she's changed a fair bit for the better, and I know she loves me, although she can be quite self centred about a lot of things.

In my whole life, she has sent me one bunch of flowers, and that was only after she told me that she sends SIL flowers every year for her birthday, and I commented that she'd never once sent me any. She then immediately sent what looked like the cheapest, smallest bunch she could find, almost to make a point it seemed (she is well off financially). My birthday/Christmas gifts (from my teens until now) is always a cheque (random amounts that seem to change depending on how much she likes me at that particular point in time), which obvs I am grateful for, but I'd much prefer a lovely bunch of flowers or an actual present, but on the occasions I've mentioned it she tells me it's too much hassle and I should just 'get myself something whatever I want' with the money she sends. At the same time she will say 'oh I'm going into town today to buy a present for X, it was X's birthday and I bought them Y' etc. It's like I'm not worth the effort of choosing a present, or even just buying a present I've chosen myself, and everyone else is.

But...for her birthday, and Mothers Day, and Christmas, she expects me to make a big effort to get her a gift, or send her flowers. Lots of 'ooh those flowers you sent me were LOVELY, oh you're so good at choosing presents, oh where did you get this from it's so unique/unusual etc'. Requests for presents that are often not cheap / quite hard to source / don't actually exist but she's 'sure I will find it on the internet'. If I just sent her a cheque she'd be really miffed.

My recent birthday was once again a cheque in the post as usual, and now it's Mothers Day, and yet again I am making the effort to source a lovely gift and some flowers and wondering why I bother, when she doesn't do the same for me! I know she does appreciate it, and she's always grateful, but I just wonder why she thinks it's ok for it to be so one-sided. I do it mainly to keep the peace and so she isn't upset that I didn't bother to get her anything, but every year I question myself on it, and end up doing it anyway. And I'll probably do it again this year as I don't like to think of her being upset.

I thought that was going to be quite short. It's not. I apologise! I guess my question is kind of AIBU to feel vaguely pissed off about this?

Yes agree with you. I had big birthday. Nothing. I decided to keep it small now going forward. My sister asked me re sunday. I said I my own plans. Leave it at that.

send her a gift-card and cheapest card that says "happy mother's day, treat yourself to something nice" and call it a day

She cares not a jot about your feelings. So stop caring about hers... Send her a card with flowers on the front!.. Job done.

You have a choice, OP. Don't allow your mother to guilt-trip you. Stop sending all the bouquets of flowers, and just stick to a card. That's more than enough.

Gosh I could have written this myself, although I'm still wracked with guilt over my LC. Exactly as you describe, down to never buying presents, just sending money. It's interesting to hear peoples' replies because it helps me to feel more strongly about my decision - thank you all, and OP for the post.

Was not all that surprised to read that your relationship with your mother over the years is not a good one. She has let you down abjectly as a parent and has not changed.

Stop making the effort with her. You are trying to gain approval she will never give you. The flowers etc are not appreciated by your mother but merely expected. She does not give a monkeys about your feelings so would actually not send anything this year - or in subsequent years. Deal with your fear obligation and guilt that she instilled in you through therapy.

Thanks all! I thought I would get a load of 'but she's your mum, you only get one mum, I wish I could send flowers to my dearly departed mum etc etc', so this has been refreshing (and validating!).

It's a strange one, as she isn't a mean or spiteful person, I suspect it's more that in her eyes I haven't ever graduated from the spiky teenager who asked for cash for birthdays to a fully grown adult woman who perhaps may deserve the same care and consideration she gives to other people on their special occasions, and that I give to her. If I'm ever upset about anything, or need some help, her first response is 'I'll send you some money', when often what I really need is advice or practical help; she's ill equipped for both. So (and just musing here...) maybe cash is her way of showing she cares. But to me it just feels like an easy cop-out way to deal with 'must get something for huileverte for her birthday'.

One of the reasons we are relatively LC now is that she will not travel to visit me (she lives 4-ish hours away), it's seen as my 'duty' to go and visit her. When I was younger and I had more time and energy to do the travelling, I did, but I'm older now myself, have less time and energy, more responsibilities and some health issues, and for the last few years I have just refused to go there if she won't meet me halfway (and she won't, I have tried, apparently it's 'too much' for her). I recognise she's getting on a bit and if it was just an age issue I'd have more patience with it, but it's not, it's always been like this, a 'you should want to visit me I'm your mother' sort of thing.

@Norrisville sorry you feel like this too. I really think the deification of mothers doesn't help in this kind of scenario, where often people make you feel guilty (because she's your MOTHER) on top of how you already feel about what is an often complex and upsetting situation. I hope you find some peace with it.

I personally would prefer money and I am giving my 17 year old money for his birthday (well actually I organised his driving lessons and transferred money onto the app so it's not actual money.) But I will get him some token bits like some nice chocolates and smellies so I think for you it's the lack of thought. In my opinion a cheque and a box of your favourite chocolates would show a tiny bit of thought. You have said you mentioned the flowers but have you mentioned any other things you like? Eg mum I really like these skin care products, just giving you some ideas for Christmas/ birthdays.
It does sound like she can't be bothered though because if you are 4 hours away but she isn't short of money she could get the train and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights.

Your choice to go to all that trouble to find her gifts even when you don't get what you want from her. No point moaning, just get her cheap flowers and some lavender water. If she doesn't like it, tell her why.
I am constantly amazed at how women (and men) allow themselves to be treated by their parents

You are absolutely right to feel validated, OP.
It's really tough that your mother doesn't bother to show her love to you in a way she know you would appreciate. Especially since she does put in that effort for others.

I'm actually most concerned with the guilt you've mentioned about being LC. I do hope you're not being too hard on yourself. You're only doing what you can to take care of your mental health, which is an investment that should be a priority.

I've actually had quite some therapy to help me gain insight in my family dynamics and it's helped me immensely to make sense of why my father treated me the way that he did. It also helped me decide how much effort I could keep investing in relationships that caused so much disappointment.

I sent a card and nothing else. The sky did not fall in! I spoke to DM this morning and wished her a HMD and she thanked me for the card. Small dig about today being 'not a very exciting day' but that was it!

I’m also LC with my mum. She gets a card from Moonpig from me and that’s it. Honestly I consider her lucky to get that! My mum also makes huge efforts for her friends but barely bothers when it comes to her kids and grandkids. That’s fine. You reap what you sow imo.