Getting over someone you want to be with but isn't good for you

Ledci · 2024-03-06T10:28:08+00:00

Hello everyone (name changed for this) I've been in a relationship for coming up to 3 years with someone. Both divorced. He has 2 girls and I have 1 girl They get on well when we get together. Don't live together. No plans to due to logistics. We have had some bigger rows over the last week or 2 and he's given me silent treatment since the weekend. I have a feeling he may end it, and if not then I know he's never going to change. The problem is I really love him, and want to be with him yet I can't keep going through this roller coaster. I've got a friend who is still not over their ex 2.5yrs down the line and I'm worried that will be me. These past few days that sick feeling you get when you wake up is bad enough, I don't know what I will do at the end. Anyone been in this situation?

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:33

I am in this exact situation now, albeit a few more weeks down the line from you.
Together almost 3 years, didn't live together, both have children.
I technically ended it (as in I said the words) but only because he wasn't "man" enough to say it. He'd been saying for a couple of months various things that made me think he was done. But didn't want to be the bad guy. So it left me floundering and fighting against it, as I could sense that he'd pulled away.
I feel SO empty. Hollow inside.
I thought he was the one. He told me I was.
It's so hard but I know deep down that I will feel better eventually. Even if we got back together (which I want) I'd always feel uneasy and on edge, thinking I'd "talked him back into it"
In my experience, once men are done, they're done. They find it much easier to switch off and close the lid. Especially my ex who was about as emotionally in tune as a cardboard box.
Sending you lots of love and I hope you get some closure, whether it's good or bad.

Calculuses · 06/03/2024 10:34

I think you have to "decide" you're going to be OK and set about making that happen. It's too easy to give all your energy to feeling sorry for yourself or being bitter at the way you were treated or the fact that life hasn't turned out the way you hoped.

Instead, keep busy and spend time building new friendships/strengthening existing one, find new interests and create a really interesting life. I also used to physically shake thoughts out of my head when I found myself dwelling.

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:40

I think @Calculuses is right too. I do allow myself a little bit of time to dwell as I don't think it's healthy to shut yourself off from your feelings.
But then that's it. Pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.
I've purposely not started drinking wine, festering in bed when the kids are with their dad. I'm carrying on exercising, trying to enjoy things. It's for the best in the long run.
Absolute cliche, but it's so true : this too shall pass

Calculuses · 06/03/2024 10:43

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:40

I think @Calculuses is right too. I do allow myself a little bit of time to dwell as I don't think it's healthy to shut yourself off from your feelings.
But then that's it. Pick yourself up and keep on keeping on.
I've purposely not started drinking wine, festering in bed when the kids are with their dad. I'm carrying on exercising, trying to enjoy things. It's for the best in the long run.
Absolute cliche, but it's so true : this too shall pass

Yes I was thinking of OP's friend, still struggling more than 2 years later

Original poster

Ledci · 06/03/2024 10:48

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:33

I am in this exact situation now, albeit a few more weeks down the line from you.
Together almost 3 years, didn't live together, both have children.
I technically ended it (as in I said the words) but only because he wasn't "man" enough to say it. He'd been saying for a couple of months various things that made me think he was done. But didn't want to be the bad guy. So it left me floundering and fighting against it, as I could sense that he'd pulled away.
I feel SO empty. Hollow inside.
I thought he was the one. He told me I was.
It's so hard but I know deep down that I will feel better eventually. Even if we got back together (which I want) I'd always feel uneasy and on edge, thinking I'd "talked him back into it"
In my experience, once men are done, they're done. They find it much easier to switch off and close the lid. Especially my ex who was about as emotionally in tune as a cardboard box.
Sending you lots of love and I hope you get some closure, whether it's good or bad.

Wow it sounds so similar. I just don't know how to get through each day, it's so hard now and we've not had the chat yet but I think it's coming.
If I hated him or didn't want to be with him then it would be much better but right now I just want him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ledci · 06/03/2024 10:49

Calculuses · 06/03/2024 10:34

I think you have to "decide" you're going to be OK and set about making that happen. It's too easy to give all your energy to feeling sorry for yourself or being bitter at the way you were treated or the fact that life hasn't turned out the way you hoped.

Instead, keep busy and spend time building new friendships/strengthening existing one, find new interests and create a really interesting life. I also used to physically shake thoughts out of my head when I found myself dwelling.

Thank you, yes I suppose at the start it's hard to see past the heartbreak.

OP posts:

LipstickLil · 06/03/2024 10:53

Write down the reasons why he's not the right one. When you're feeling low, read it back to remind yourself of the things he said/did that made you feel sad or less than or just sure that he wasn't right for you long-term. And then give it time. Keep busy. And don't fall into the trap of seeing him through rose-tinted glasses once it's ended - that is so common. The rest of your life is a long time and love isn't enough on its own. You need to be best friends, each other's best advocate, you need to be a team, and if he's given to angry outbursts and giving you the silent treatment - fuck that! He's a man-child who has poor communication skills and nasty, petty side to him. Don't forget that!

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:58

@Ledci I am the same, still in love with him. We didn't split because I didn't love him. But that doesn't make it RIGHT to be together. I try and remember all of the times that I felt unsteady and unsure, rather than the happy times.
It's interesting you mention the silent treatment. I used to get that after every disagreement (which in fairness there weren't many until towards the end)
But I mean TOTAL silent treatment. For days and days on end. I got told that it was his way of dealing with things, and I just had to cope with that-I knew it was his was of dealing with things, so tough, I couldn't say it was a surprise that he'd shut down. But I am a talker, and the silent treatment is like torture for me. And he knew that. How can anything get resolved by ignoring it?
I also know that if we did get back together (we won't, he's done) then I would NEVER be able to say se anything again. I'd be treading on eggshells permanently. Do I want that? No

Original poster

Ledci · 06/03/2024 14:47

LipstickLil · 06/03/2024 10:53

Write down the reasons why he's not the right one. When you're feeling low, read it back to remind yourself of the things he said/did that made you feel sad or less than or just sure that he wasn't right for you long-term. And then give it time. Keep busy. And don't fall into the trap of seeing him through rose-tinted glasses once it's ended - that is so common. The rest of your life is a long time and love isn't enough on its own. You need to be best friends, each other's best advocate, you need to be a team, and if he's given to angry outbursts and giving you the silent treatment - fuck that! He's a man-child who has poor communication skills and nasty, petty side to him. Don't forget that!

Thank you for this. I will do that. Your last line was quite powerful and totally right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ledci · 06/03/2024 14:48

Minikievs · 06/03/2024 10:58

@Ledci I am the same, still in love with him. We didn't split because I didn't love him. But that doesn't make it RIGHT to be together. I try and remember all of the times that I felt unsteady and unsure, rather than the happy times.
It's interesting you mention the silent treatment. I used to get that after every disagreement (which in fairness there weren't many until towards the end)
But I mean TOTAL silent treatment. For days and days on end. I got told that it was his way of dealing with things, and I just had to cope with that-I knew it was his was of dealing with things, so tough, I couldn't say it was a surprise that he'd shut down. But I am a talker, and the silent treatment is like torture for me. And he knew that. How can anything get resolved by ignoring it?
I also know that if we did get back together (we won't, he's done) then I would NEVER be able to say se anything again. I'd be treading on eggshells permanently. Do I want that? No

Silent treatment is the worst, I can't deal with it and he knows that. He knows that for me its a punishment and he still does it.

OP posts:

MaloneyBaloney · 06/03/2024 21:43

Silent treatment is a really awful form of emotional abuse. There is no evidence of it (no violence, no shouting, no texts, nothing) so you have no proof. But it really makes you feel worthless. It's also very immature.

I understand OP. It took me a very long time to recover from a relationship like yours. But I am so, so glad I left and could breathe my own air in peace. I now know that if someone genuinely loves me, they wouldn't dream if treating me the way my ex did. It isn't love; it's all about control.

I now have a "no possessiveness, no controlling, no jealousy, no sulking, no moodiness, no silent treatment, no neediness" policy which serves me very well! Either be an adult and communicate in a mature, adult way, or go.

The rest of your life awaits OP. Enjoy it.

MaloneyBaloney · 06/03/2024 21:46

Btw some wise advice I received at the time was "time and distance". Give yourself plenty of both of these and in time the strong feelings will fade. I really couldn't believe that at the time as I ached for him. But it worked. And now I don't think of him at all. Time and distance are your friends. (Plus a busy, full life of your own).

Original poster

Ledci · 06/03/2024 22:20

MaloneyBaloney · 06/03/2024 21:46

Btw some wise advice I received at the time was "time and distance". Give yourself plenty of both of these and in time the strong feelings will fade. I really couldn't believe that at the time as I ached for him. But it worked. And now I don't think of him at all. Time and distance are your friends. (Plus a busy, full life of your own).

Thank you, I need to read these things back to myself.
I think what makes it worse is that he knows how I feel regarding silent treatment but will still do it.

OP posts: