Husband's problem drinking is ruining our marriage.

[Pinkmacroon]

My husband and I had our first baby a year ago and got married 6 months later. During pregnancy and lead up to our wedding he took a second job to save money. He would come back late at weekends and habitually drink whilst watching motd. We had a few clashes during my pregnancy where he got very drunk the most serious being the week I was due. Not long after I started to find vapes and bottle tops in his clothing pockets (he has also been vaping secretly) He also started to occasionally stash cans in strange places like his clothing drawer. I confronted this and it evolved into more secretive behaviour, drinking before he had come home from work and then having more but pretending it was his first drink etc. It would take days of torturous arguments and denial before he would finally admit it. Over the last year the level of deception has really escalated with the vapes being hidden inside socks he is wearing (very strange I know) vaping upstairs in the office and when I smell it he would go as far as to swear on our daughters life he hasn't but then admit it days later etc. He would also sneak into the pub on dog walks and not tell me but then I'd hear from his brother or someone else he'd been in there... I have previously left with my daughter for an entire week because the lying is breaking me mentally. We started going to counselling and I thought it was helping although on some occasions it would be straight after counselling that he would vape in secret again and it would undermine the whole thing. This weekend he bought 4 cans of Guinness and drank them whilst watching tv. He must have downed the first one the minute my back was turned I went upstairs for 2 mins and when I came down he was already on the second can. I found a receipt where he also bought a small bottle of wine, I confronted him about it and at first he insisted he had not hidden the wine he'd brought it in and drank it in front of me openly but he now admits he hid it in his pocket and mixed it with the Guinness in a pint glass. He absolutely refuses to see he has an issue here, he makes out I'm watching everything that's why he hides it but I know his drinking behaviour is not normal. Ps. I drink and occasionally smoke cigarettes so I am not enforcing any sort of teetotal lifestyle but he has really changed in the last 2 years and I'm quite miserable because of it. I do love him but I didn't know I was committing to someone with an alcohol problem.

i’m not sure why you’re so bothered about the vapes…

but anyway, mixing wine with guinness purely to get the units in really sounds like a terrible sign.

how heavy is he drinking? are you in withdrawals territory if he were to stop?

Honestly and from experience I think you need to leave until he sees the issue and decides whether to do anything about it. This isn’t a way to live and it will destroy your relationship if it hasn’t already so it’s not giving up on anything. Best hope is it makes him seek proper help but it may get worse before it gets better or things may move on and you won’t want to get back together.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

look at the al-anon website. They tell you quite clearly that you have to look after yourself. He won’t stop drinking unless he wants to or until he reaches rock bottom (which is way lower than you could imagine). So all you can do is look after yourself and your baby and move out or ask him to go.
I wish you well.

He is a full on alcoholic
I ended my marriage with a small baby for the same reasons

Unless there's more to this, I have no idea why you are acting like his mother and trying to control him? He drinks when he watches MOTD and vapes? So what? He's over 18 and allowed to do that, if he wants to. I don't now any male friends who don't have a few pints watching MOTD.

I could understand your concern, if he was out at night partying till 3am, or downing bottles of vodka, but that's not what it sounds like. I suspect he's hiding cans and vapes, because he isn't "allowed" them.

What is he actually consuming, do you know? Is it worrying levels, is that what this is about?

My DH drinks wine when he's not working (as do I), he also smokes (cigs not vapes). He only does this on his days off, and I couldn't care less, as he is allowed to unwind.

I'll preface this by saying that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I think the vapes are neither here nor there. It's not healthy and he shouldn't be doing it in the house. It's weird to lie about it. But you admit you also smoke (which is worse, even if infrequent). It sounds like you both need to quit for your dd's health.

The drinking - it's problematic that he's hiding it. But I guess the question is, is he hiding it because he doesn't want a battle about having a few drinks? Or is he hiding it because he's drinking heavily and hiding the quantity or frequency?

I used to hide bottles all over the place. But I was also drinking daily and I was drinking large amounts. I've never know anyone with a drinking problem to buy a 'small bottle of wine'. We definitely would buy a whole bottle or even a box. So having a few drinks a couple nights a week watching tv, or stopping in for a drink or two at the pub while walking the dog, isn't necessarily an issue. But drinking heavily and secretively and doing it every night or most nights is. All that being said, being argumentative or violent while drinking is never on.

But the main point is, whether he has a drinking problem or not, you don't have to put up with poor behaviour or being unhappy. If you feel he's prioritising drinking over your relationship or your child, that's a problem and it's not acceptable, no matter how much he's drinking. I think you need to have a really truthful conversation about your concerns, but ultimately, he has to sort this out himself if it's a problem.

Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?.

You are confusing love with codependency and you are in a codependent relationship with an alcoholic who also happens to vape too. He’s misusing both. Joint counselling as you have seen already is a waste of effort.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Go to al-anon meetings if possible and at the very least read their literature.

If this situation is already bad enough you have previously left with your child for a week, imagine the effects of all this crap over time on your daughter - it’s really bad for her as you are both teaching her damaging lessons about relationships. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to show her?. He’s making a choice and prioritising alcohol and vapes over you both. Do not spend the next 3 months, let alone 5 years, waiting for him to have an epiphany, that is very unlikely to happen and as it is you’re basically enabling him. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards, there are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism.

You have a choice re this man, your child does not and has to follow your lead.
Make better choices for you and she. You cannot help him but you can and should help your own self here

@BlondiesHaveMoreFun I'm sorry if my point wasn't very clear. My husband hides his alcohol consumption from me, that's how this all started. I would find bottle tops and hidden alcohol. When our baby was 3 months old he sat in his car drinking and then came home late and drank more pretending he hadn't had anything. I don't think that's normal behavior. I guess it's hard to convey in a short message but it's most certainly problematic because lying ruins trust and I've come on here for people to help with their similar experiences for a reason.

Trying to talk to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You’ve already tried joint counselling and that’s been a waste of effort too because he is not honest with anyone, let alone his own self, so merely pays lip service.

@mindutopia i wanted to add the vape context to demonstrate the secrecy and inexplicable lying. I added that I occasionally smoke to show that I do not have a zero tolerance approach to it but I don't know where the habit has even come from or why he goes to such dramatic lengths to hide it. He lies endlessly about vaping and alcohol

Like so many posts of this type, it’s mainly about the alcoholic. What about you and your child in all this crap, you both matter here. Your only real option going forward is to plan your exit from this dysfunctional marriage with due care and attention.

@AttilaTheMeerkat no I did not grow up seeing similar but he did. His mum is a closet alcoholic and he only revealed the extent of it when we started counselling. His Dad was an alcoholic also. I was unaware of the severity of his upbringing until now.

I've never know anyone with a drinking problem to buy a 'small bottle of wine'. We definitely would buy a whole bottle

I assume he got a small one so he could conceal it and covertly add extra alcohol to the Guinness. I really doubt he did it for the flavour, seems extremely worrying behaviour around alcohol to me.

Both his parents were/are alcoholic, this has also played a large part as to why your husband is also an alcoholic too. Alcoholism can also be learnt.

What about you in all this, what do you want to do going forward?. You cannot help him but you can certainly help your own self and daughter here. It will do her no favours growing up with an alcoholic father.

He's lying to you, and I would see that as being the biggest issue here. If he was happily making Guinness/Wine cocktails and being upfront about it and communicating with your fairly and clearly, then you'd have a better chance of sorting this out.

As it is, you don't trust him, with good reason, and unfortunately that's death to a marriage.

It's ok to leave your husband for any reason.

Leave off about the vaping. It's a stupid thing to do but it isn't the problem here. Just ignore his lies about that; accept that it's none of your business.
The drinking is a problem. Can you try counselling again?

If he's vaping in the house and potentially in front of their DD it absolutely is her business. There is no where near enough data yet on second hand vaping to suggest it's perfectly fine to vape inside with kids.

Also lying is not healthy in a marriage, about anything. She's made it clear she doesn't judge him vaping so the fact he's lying about it is very worrying - he has no need to. It's a pattern of behaviour and the whole pattern is important.

Without a doubt the drinking is the most dangerous and important aspect of course. OP I would be going for a very serious intervention at this point - he needs to confront and accept the danger of his behaviour and if he cannot accept he has a problem I'd be asking him to move out for now. Your DD shouldn't be subjected to this, as PP said it can be learned behaviour.

I drank just like this and am a full alcoholic (now sober). I wouldn't listen to those saying hiding cans might just be because you're too harsh.

I justified it to myself that way, but the truth was different.

Mini bottles of wine to help get as drunk as I wanted, check. It just sometimes "made sense" to do that - they were less bulky, could be disposed of quickly.

It's hard because I also didn't drink every day , was careful not to get physically dependent and maybe I could have drank like this for a long time (topping up when I wanted but trying to keep the facade of normal drinking) or maybe it would have escalated.

The lying and hiding also becomes an addiction with its own sick thrills of 'getting away with it'. It fed my feelings of superiority and pride (when I wasn't feeling overwhelmed with shame).

At any rate, you should not make plans based on him suddenly becoming a trustworthy partner.

@Us3rname exactly this! He referred to the little bottle as a "back up". He also doesn't drink everyday (I don't think) but there is something about him needing to have secrets from me that have got me questioning what's really going on, I would love to understand why you got a thrill out of the secrecy and what happened to make you finally confront yourself?

Well I think the rush to drink a can etc quickly just activates the nervous system... then the times I managed to drink something and dodge being found out...I suppose it is similar to how people talk about shoplifting. Life becomes charged with this as a major part of what you put brain power too. It was also very nerve wracking and a horrible way to live, but it had a "kick" to it. You're about to be caught by your partner but you manage to smuggle the bottles away while they're showering.... Impossible for a relationship to be truly intimate when this is the game one partner is engaged in.

I went to AA partially out of an attempt to stop my partner from leaving. But I also hated that I was a secret drinker at the same time. I was also mean to people when I drank and I desperately wanted redemption. After getting some months of sobriety and going to meetings I was able to see my role in things fairly without feeling so much shame that I had to drink to cover it up. It's hard to give advice though, it's a bit of a mystery to me why it stuck for me then. You see lots of people having trouble.

This does sound like classic alcoholic behaviour. The lying is what addicts do; maybe there's a group you could join that might help you deal with it - families of alcoholics, so you could at least share what you are going through and get support from people who share your experiences.

I find myself in a similar position husband drinking a lot during the week on the way home from work hiding it lying about smoking etc and like you said it might not be a big issue it he was honest and communicated why he felt the need to do it. Stressful times as I'm newly pregnant following a few previous miscarriages and don't need the stress. All we can do is keep communicating and hope the novelty will wear off and they'll get bored of it on their own. Because it must make them feel rubbish too. Harder because my parents were alcoholics and I can see where this can lead. Hope things work out for you.

I see this is a few months old thread but yeah, I wouldn't see the vaping/drinking as a problem on its own, it's the unnecessary lying which is a problem. Why would he hide it from you? A healthy relationship should be open

I had multiple miscarriages as well before conceiving and both my husbands parents were/are alcoholics although that was only shared with me about 6 months ago when MIL broke her hip in mysterious circumstances. I only really noticed the drinking habits when I was pregnant, I think prior to that as I was drinking myself and I didn't notice it as much, or maybe it only really started during the pregnancy. I wish you the best of luck with pregnancy and motherhood x