LTB - easier said than done.

[Allinadayswork80]

Wide awake and can’t sleep after another big fallout with my partner. We bring out the absolute worst in each other and I’m not really sure we were ever right for each other - more the idea of each other. Together 5yrs with a mortgage and toddler. I also have an older DD from previous marriage. There’s no way I could break up our home, the kids would be devastated - I couldn’t make my poor DD part of another relationship breakdown (altho previous was due to ExH’s affair, not that she knows that), plus what would we do with the house? I couldn’t afford it on my own and he wouldn’t see that he should leave any more than I. If we sold I would be back private renting again which is almost impossible in my area and very unstable. My wonderful parents think I’m finally settled, DM suffers from terrible anxiety and I couldn’t add to that with her worrying about me and having to help even more than she already does with the kids. To all outsiders we seem like a happy couple/family but that hides the rows and discontent within. He is grumpy and angry a lot of the time as he’s older than me and his work is very physical - plus having a young family takes it’s toll. I work 4 days a week too and am hugely resentful that because he’s the main breadwinner and works 5 days I take the burden of the lions share of housework/house admin. There’s been many a conversation (row) about this but nothing really changes. I just become more resentful and irritable, he’s tired and snappy, often towards my DD which then causes huge rows as I defend her which he resents as he says I don’t back him up and undermine him. The list goes on. I miss being a single mum, I was much happier and life was much easier. I adore our little DD and she’s an absolute blessing but I often feel we probably shouldn’t have had her, which I know sounds terrible, I love her so much but she’s hard work and we’re older parents and are just so tired. We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things and communication isn’t great. We rarely sleep together. He says how much he loves me but that isn’t often reflected in the way he speaks to me. We’re very different people. Please don’t say “well you shouldn’t have done this that or the other” - I know that but hindsight is a wonderful thing and we got swept along with the idea of a happy family together. I feel completely stuck and alone with feeling like this as all my friends/family think we’re a happy little family and I’d feel such a fool. I’ve suggested couples counselling but he just gets angry. We’ve said some horrible things to each other, some of which I don’t think I can get past.
It’s now so late and I need to be up at 6 for work, so tomorrow will be awful, but I feel so desperate and sad and stupid.
Sorry for the long ramble.

Hi there. I hope you managed to get some sleep. It does all sound exhausting for you. It's certainly tough work being in a relationship with a toddler and a man, like so many, that doesn't seem to see all the domestic stuff that needs doing day to day. I always think the reason so many celeb couples split up is simply because they can afford to, most of us can't pop off and buy another house so easily. That said you sound like you need a break from one another. Any chance you can take both your dc away to a cottage (in term time maybe as it's cheaper), just to get some headspace? It sounds like you're already seeing the relationship ending so you need some very practical long term plans to find the money to get out?

I think this sounds like a toxic environment to raise kids in, and they are all that matters.

Forget what other people will think, think about your girls and if you'd want them in a relationship like yours?

Money isn't more important than stability, and stability isn't two parents who resent each other.

It might not seem possible to leave but you can.

It'll be hard but worth it, especially for your oldest daughter.

Ultimately, your kids will be better off outside of this. Growing up with parents who can't get along leaves a scar that will run deeper than anything you could do by splitting up and giving them a more healthy emotional environment to grow up in.

Worrying about your mum's anxiety is also admirable but not doing you any favours. You can't let something like that keep you in a toxic situation.

Put your children first and get out.

Living like this for the next 50-odd years is easier said than done. EVERYTHING is easier said than done. If that was a guide to life, no-one would do anything, ever.

One of your options opens up the potential for a prosperous and happy life. One doesn't. Both are easier said than done.

I understand. It is easier said than done, but isn't everything really?

All we can do is look forward with compassion not blame and hindsight bias and take it a step at a time.

What about your happiness?

From my own experience, OP, children growing up in an unhappy home think sadness is normality. It can be very hard to unlearn that as an adult.

Please take your DC out of that depressing atmosphere. You were happier as a single mum. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. You and DC deserve a happier life.

@Ofcourseshecan I have to agree with this.

My parents only married because my Catholic mother got pregnant within 6 months of them meeting, in the late 1960s. My father was only 18 at the time, my mother was 23. They were totally unsuited to each other...and more importantly, my father had never wanted children in the first place.

The ended up with 3 before before my father had a vasectomy. He managed to cope with the whole 'family life' scene until I was 9, and then started working abroad. My mother was far happier when he wasn't there - I used to dread him coming home on leave as it would end up being a miserable time for all of us. When I was 18 he stopped working abroad and their marriage lasted barely another 3 years after that. My mother was very bitter and angry even before he left (understandably) and it made for a very tense, unhappy and depressing home life. We did nothing together as a family.

I'm now 55 and still struggle to be happy. I was diagnosed with severe depression at 17 after an attempt to take my own life...I also tried again when I was 23 - which lead to a further diagnosis of bipolar 2. My parents set myself and my two brothers a terrible example of not only marriage but of family life in general. To this day my mother refuses to accept how much it affected us all - my older brother has said he has no happy memories of childhood.

Like others have said, you really need to put your children first.

Thanks for the replies and sorry for delay in update, been a long tiring and busy week, physically and emotionally. So OH had a long think the next day, he’s agreed to couples counselling and I want to try that too, for the sake of the family as a whole and to try and remember why we got together in the first place. We’ve agreed this can no longer happen and it’s not healthy for the children, or us. My eldest DD heard a lot of the argument and was upset and worried the next day about us splitting up. We both feel terrible about this. The problem with us is we got together late in life and things progressed very quickly. We didn’t have a lot of time for just ‘us’ and a chance to grow as a couple. I already had my DD and my second came along very quickly so we went from 0 to 60 really fast. Then all the pressures of family life came before we had a chance to learn how to communicate effectively. He’s agreed that he has a tendency to overreact and he’s grumpy because he’s often stressed about work, being self employed he worries about regular work as he has a family to support, when most of his life it was just him and he existed very frugally. He’s agreed that he needs to find a way to manage this better.
I want to give us a chance and work through our differences. Thanks for everyone’s comments and perspectives x