Hi,
Apologies for the length of this post. Any perspective welcome!
Aged 22, I met a 32 year old woman and we had a short relationship. 3 months into the relationship, she asked if I would like children and I said yes. I was an only child, and never knew my father. I lost my mother in my teens due to an incident involving domestic violence. To be a father is something that I very much wanted.
Pregancy soon followed, although few months later we separated, without drama. A few months on, and my ex-partner gave birth to a son. Without reason, I was denied access to him for 3 years. I was not on the birth certificate, and I had no say in naming my son, or indeed any part of his life. During those 3 years, I called and wrote, and turned up at the door asking to see him; the only response I got had been 'oh nothing much is happening, just dirty nappies etc.'. I am a kind, quiet and sensitive person, who did not enjoy confrontation. I withdrew and became anxious, angry with a lot of sadness. I was aware she was back with her ex-boyfriend, who did not want children of his own. After 3 years, I eventually gained access to see my son. I took him out a couple of times, and sat in the evening whilst the mother went out. One Saturday, I had an angry phone call from the mother to say that I should have been there to collect my son, although this is not something we had arranged. I went to the house, and after a brief conversation I asked why she did not let me see my son for 3 years. She replied angrily 'Oh - just come around when you want'. I left that day and for the next few years any feelings I had disappeared into substance abuse. It is now 27 years since I last saw my son. I have since been married and have a son who is 20, that I brought up within a suppprtive family environment. I have not ever told my son about my past, and he does not know he has a half brother, although I would like to explain it. I would not really like my second son to meet my first, as I am afraid that my first son may not be that nice to him. I quite rightly have remorse and guilt for not being there as a dad to my first son and not supporting his mother, although unfortunately, due to how his mother treated me, I did not want to have to confront her each time to see my son. Instead of fighting, I chose not to return. If, after your child was born, someone took him from you for 3 years and cared for him as their own, how would you feel toward the person who took him; and do you think you would feel a different sense of connection towards the child?
Thank you for reading.