Making jokes about sexual abuse

[MrsSnape]

A few years ago I told my mum that a man in our family (married into) had sexually abused me as a child. She said she believed me but we still see this man alot (once a week probably) and she thought it best to "leave it". She then went in a major strop because I wouldnt take my kids on a holiday in which this man was to be sleeping in the same caravan. She said I was out of order and was spoiling the holiday for everyone.

Anyway since then she's just started to treat it like it was "a laugh" that happened years ago...as in "oh, remember when aunt mary fell down stairs? ho ho..." or "remember when abused you every week whilst I went to bingo? hehehe" thats how it seems.

For instance we were once talking about going to China and she said " will go with you...he'll share your room! hehe" and then last week we were on about holidays again and she said " is coming too, he's sleeping in the next room to you... hehe"

What the hell is making her think that sexual abuse is just an unfortunate past event? How do I deal with this?

Thats horrible. How is your relationship with her generally?

Can you tell her that she is really upsetting you with her comments?

Oh how HORRIBLE. What a nasty thing to joke about. Your mum must be bloody insensitive. Some people joke when they feel uncomfortable about things but to still be involved with this person and elect to spend time in his company.

I do feel for you. I think you have to tell her straight that it's not funny, that she's hurting you and that just as she wouldn't mock a rape victim she should just lay off the subject.

If I were you I'd be bloody angry at both of them. Your parents are meant to protect you, not collude with people who have hurt you and mock your pain

TBH I think I'd give her a slap - and people wonder why the abused don't like to tell ANYONE about it

she simply cannot or will not deal with it and is making the subject of a joke to make it funny,so she does not have to face the hideous reality

write her a letter maybe? it is just vile , and inexcusable

Tell her you'll go to the police and report her for turning a blind eye....

Horrible. Tbh I'd cut contact, or at least reduce it to a minimum.

I agree with Lulu - she is being utterly inept, doing this so as not to have to face up to it and rock the boat. It's an explanation, but no excuse.

The thing is, nobody in our family seems to see sexual abuse as that much of an issue. My mum admitted to me once that her dad (my grandad) had tried to abuse her and when she told her sister (my aunt) she said he'd tried to do it to her too! He only stopped when they threatened to tell my grandma.

Thing is, when she was telling me this she didn't seem to think it was that serious, it was told in a "I can tell you something about him, he used to use the rent money for beer!" kind of way.

It seems there has been alot of abuse/dirty secrets in the family and maybe this is why she de-sensitised to it? but even my sister told her that the same man had abused her and a couple of weeks later she sent my sister to stay at their house so she could go to a show!

It's as if she's saying "I know its not nice, but what can you do?" you know?

maybe the joking and hte denial is the only way she can cope with it? or it is normal in her mindset

MrsS have you thought of going to the police about the abuse? Even now, you could lodge a complaint against this man and the police would take it a damn sight more seriously than your mother does. Or do you not feel able to do that?

I think you probably need to see a counsellor to talk through your experiences and to enable you to decide where to go from here.

I couldn't go to the police now, it would have many serious implications for people around him that I care about. (Could even be fatal for one close family member with the stress and worry it would bring).

I do need councelling though, for other stuff too...I've been trying to pluck up the courage to go to my GP for 2 years

It sounds like you're going to have a pretty hard time getting through to her her denial must run pretty deep. Is she like this about other things I mean, generally, is she someone who's very out of tune with what's considered acceptable by the mainstream, in terms of issues surrounding sex/families/treatment of children? (sorry if that is not clear)

If you can't get her to face up to it or at least to stop making the comments out of courtesy to you, maybe you should calmly tell her that whether or not she is capable of understanding it, she is behaving in a way that is driving you away, and that you are going to have to stop being around her until she can conquer her urge to make a joke of your abuse.

(obviously, though, you may not feel cutting contact with her is something you want to consider ... it would be pretty extreme, but not disproportionate IME)

It's shocking stuff. I hope it helps to at least have some ackowledgement from mnetters and/or RL friends that your reaction is normal, and that her attitude is not acceptable or appropriate in any way.

MrsS it sounds like your experiences have taught you to place more emphasis on the importance of other people's pain than on your own. Counselling would certainly help you realise that your feelings are every bit as important as the feelings of all the people you care about.

Actually you can go to the police and make a complaint and they can just note it and take no further action, or just have a word with him and say 'we know'. That will at least take the power back into your hands.

Does he know that you have told your mum?

There's another angle you may not have considered: you may not be the only person he abused. If you made a complaint, you could be helping someone else who had also complained get some peace of mind in some way?

Finally, if I were you, I would get your mum and this horrible man in a room together and say to him 'you abused me' and to your mum 'you support his behaviour by being friends with him' and then leave them to decide to stay friends or do the right thing (in your mum's case by getting the hell away from him and starting looking after you).

I'm so sorry you have been through this - you do need to get some help though. Might sound silly but consider phoning childline - they can put you in touch with adult victim counsellors.

If that was my mum behaving like that and dismissing how I FELT...I'd tell her to fuck off back under her rock and cut all contact.

That's not a mother.

Mrs Snape

Re your comments:-

"I couldn't go to the police now, it would have many serious implications for people around him that I care about. (Could even be fatal for one close family member with the stress and worry it would bring)".

I may come across as hard here but these are at heart excuses. People can speak out about abuse that happened years ago (look at Jersey). So he continues to get away with what he has done. This has been brushed under the carpet for too long and your Mother's own reactions smack of denial. Other peoples' feelings do not come into it, you need justice. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; that is also what keeps it going.

"I do need councelling though, for other stuff too...I've been trying to pluck up the courage to go to my GP for 2 years"

Please go to your GP this week and ask. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Alternatively BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth either.

Mrs Snape

You may also find this organisation helpful to you:-

www.napac.org.uk