I could really use a hand hold/sense check today. Last night I told my partner of 7 years our relationship was over. He has been treating me like an emotional punch bag since I confessed to an EA 8 months ago. He was angry and had a short temper before that but it’s definitely worse now and I feel I’ve laid myself open to any amount of shit from him out of my guilt. Part of why I strayed was feeling unhappy and not liking how he spoke to me and dd, but I stayed with him because I didn’t want to break up the family.
now though, Anything from how I load the dishwasher to how I buzzed him to come let me and dd in as I forgot my keys when he was wfh, to putting the duvet on ‘wrong’ or the fact I suggested ordering pizza for dinner, to having one of dd’s friends over when he was watching football. Anything is fair game. He will flip out, storm into our room with the door closed and if I come in and try to talk/smooth it over he will say something like “leave me alone”, “I’m not happy with you”, and yesterday it was “leave me if you think I’m such a dick”. Obviously the cheating was horrible and I’ve taken a lot on that basis. But he has always maintains he wants to “try”. It feels like we have got to the point where tiny things I do annoy him enough to sulk for a whole night. He admitted this yesterday. He says he can’t actually stop this anger and arguing. He said he hates me sometimes. That he doesn’t think we want the same things and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. That his life has been ruined by me and he wants to kill himself. He says all this on a weekly or two weekly basis pretty much, in the shouting arguments he initiates in our room with dd able to hear on the other side of the wall (it’s a fairly small flat.) Yestrday she told me she hates that because she feels alone and has no one to talk to about what’s happening. I feel like shit and tbh that’s what prompted me to tell him it was over. I said we need to get a divorce. And for the first time, I meant it. I know it’s the right thing for everyone.
I slept with DD last night as she really needed me, she was upset as one of her friends had talked about “the d word” (divorce) and she’s scared. I reassured her and we went to sleep. Before that, he was coming in telling me to come and talk to him. I said no and hated that he was doing that in front of dd still, in her space. At 2.45am he came in waking us both up telling me I ‘better come talk to him in 20 seconds or I’m coming back in’, I ‘can’t just leave him then not talk to him’ etc. Banging around in the middle of the night. He’s never been physically aggressive but I felt vulnerable. I didn’t sleep at all.
im a bit shaken up today and I think she is too. He took off sick and is lying on the bed crying and refusing to speak to me about anything. I have gone out as I can’t be in the space with him.
im doing the righht thing for me and dd, aren’t I? He can be lovely too, funny, engaged, happy. We just had a lovely weeks holiday I booked which I thought would help. We had a nice date on Sunday to the cinema. But now he threw that back at me saying I didn’t show him enough affection. Says my job doesn’t pay me well enough, I have MH issues and need help, etc. I just can’t live with someone who doesn’t like me anymore.