I do like to draw a line first:
I'm not going to divorce him (hopefully don't have to in future!)
I'm not going for counselling - because my fear is that it could end everything, then it's against my first point above.
The stake is too high for everyone involved, so I'm not seeking for separation unless one day there's nothing else can be done to make it work.
I'm not happy, but not overly depressed about the whole marriage. But resentments do build up and I still think there's hope to keep it going, even though I'm just reaching 60%-70% of my happiness meter.
So please, if you want to post anything, make sure it's not about to separate. I need advice on how to work on each problem.
First, the usual - chores.
Before I quit my job to look after our young child, he was doing dishwashers and cooked some evenings. But it has been a few years, since I'm not working and he's working full time, it's all my work. Everything, two children, him and myself to take care of. He does do school runs in the mornings and pass the shop for groceries when needed. But that's it. I now try hard to be fair to him to think if there's anything else he's involved. No.
His role is at "director" level (typical, right?). So his perspective is that his work is very mentally demanding and he's tired by end of the day. I confess, I haven't complained too much, just because of the same reason. If I "ask" him to do something, he would, but just never volunteered to do so. Day in and day out, chasing the piles of laundry - washing, drying, shifting the old load to make space for the new load, folding, putting away into each person's room. It's never ending and nobody in the house lifting a finger to help. If the clothes pile in one corner of the lounge, nobody would think "oh, maybe I can offer some help". Instead, each pops up questions like "I run out of underpant/socks/hoodie/gym clothes". The children are still young, excusable. But as an adult, he never had a second thought that he shall feel ashamed. (Obviously not, right?)
Piled on with all the tedious everyday chores (I hate them all) and other house related maintenance tasks (big ones), it always ended up to be me who have to call tradesmen to come in to fix anything. Because, of courses, he's too busy! Over years, you talk to him about any problem, he'd comment on it and then as if that's all what's needed for him to do.
Do men really think women like to do chores and are all capable to just shoulder everything all by themselves? It's typical, right? But it generates so much resentments, for years and years onwards.
I want to be fair, taking into account his perspective about work. But certainly, there must be a balance somehow. If you don't work full time, can you share some tips how to balance this typical household quarrel point? What do you expect your husband to take on? Or any advice to give to reduce my resentment?
Secondly, mental health and general heath.
Because I'm reaching the age of perimenopause, a lot of health issue flared up in the past year. Being at home not working doesn't help either, physically or mentally. I started looking for job, but it looks going to take much longer than I thought. I went to the leisure centre today to sign up for membership so to force myself being active and improve fitness.
The thing is, I was so distressed with all sort of health issues since last year. I felt so miserable and I completely lose control and cried quite a few times in front of him. But for him, again, passively he'd comfort me a bit at that moment and maybe ask how I felt the second day. But that's it, as if all the distress that made me miserable just disappeared once I calmed down. He would not remember ask me again or do anything extra until my next outburst.
Is this really normal for guys? Compounded with the resentments built up about the chores, I just doubt what my true value is to be in front of him. Housekeeper at best!
Lastly, which is probably the source of lots of other problems: He doesn't crave intimacy and we haven't had sex for years. This includes body contact. Unless I put myself forward, there's no body contact at all. This would have killed the marriage given any other ordinary female years ago. I carried on, because he's a good man and I do care about what we have together.
Given my age, I probably can settle on the idea that there's no more (life is short, I know. But my compass for a well balanced life is more than sex.)
But without even the basic physical connect, overtime, I lose my self-esteem. I don't see myself as a woman anymore. In some way, I started thinking it made me behave in an awkward way to dissuade any intimacy - the shame, the embarrassment and the resentment.
A rare few times, when we went out alone without the children, I felt really uncomfortable and awkward. I don't know if between other couples it's the same, but between us the topics are mainly about the kids, about the household stuff, about other people, about news. Do long married couple talk about yourselves much at all? What do you talk about?
I feel this part of all the problems is the one with a dead end. Maybe only a third party like a counsellor getting involved to give advice can make a difference, as it's such a difficult topic. I doubt he will ever do better, as it's not in his nature (he grew up without any closeness to anyone including his family).
Gosh, such a long rant! Sorry!
If you have any good suggestion for me to self reflect or for us as a couple to work out a solution, I'd really be grateful.
Again, I don't want to divorce him. I do care about him and there's way too much at stake too. Separation doesn't necessarily bring happiness after. He's really a good man in nature, but just can't see/feel from my perspective, no matter how hard I tried to communicate...