More Support

[nwh]

Hello all

One for some insight if at all possible, and might help a few people on here.

My wife has asked for more support, I'm a very practical person, I think I can do more in terms of emotional support.

When you ask for more support, can you give me some insight into what you mean?

I'm definitely not perfect, but when I look at what is meant by that, I do a lot of it. My wife can't really give me examples of what she means.

thanks if anyone can help

Hard to know as it depends partly on what she's like as a person.

But things like, anticipating what needs done in the home without having to be told are a good start. So, making sure you're doing your share with the house and family for example, without her having to remind you or prompt you all the time. You see the kitchen needs cleaned, clean it.

I don't want to have to parent a partner and I'm sure they don't want to parent me either.

Then there's things like emotional support. Ask her how her has been. Maybe from time to time, ask her how she's feeling about life in general, if there's anything she needs to make it happier. Maybe sit down and have a discussion about how you both see the plan for the future. If there are dreams she would like to chase. And listen. And tell her you have her back. Anticipate and also, ask how you can support her in that.

Even things like anticipating 'oh, we are low on milk so we will need some later so I'll get some on the way home from work'.

I don't know how she with physical affection but hugs and random cheek kisses are usually good (unless she has young kids in which case she might feel touched out and need more personal space).

Complment things you like about her. Not false compliments but just when they are genuine. Maybe a little cheesy too. Like you think her hair looks so pretty when the sun hits it. And that when she laughs it's so adorable you still get butterflies. Sweet things. That show you adore her but that aren't sexual.

Then (and these are not a substitute for the above as you need to make sure you are doing your share, anticipating, listening, caring and being romantic) you could maybe buy her things she likes. Treat her to her fave takeaway or something (before she's cooked obviously), it doesn't need to be expensive. But her fave perfume never goes wring either! I'd do this AFTER you've started to put more work into the above stuff though as you don't want her to think that buying her shut-up gifts is what 'supporting' means to you.

Finally, she needs time both with it just you and her (date nights, no kids) AND with it just her. Eg, think about it, how much time dies she get to just herself? Does she have a hobby she goes to or a afternoon each week that she goes out with the girls? Often men have football or golf or go to the pub in the evening and women, get stuck in with the kid work. Consider if you're out too much. And, if she's not getting out enough.

*ask her how her day has been

Oh and you can also just ask. But the thing is, that might provoke aggravation if she feels you should just know.

So when she's not busy, say 'Hey can we have a quick sit down chat? ' then 'so, im getting that I might need to work harder to anticipate things in the home and maybe what you might need from me. Is that a fair statement?'

Then listen and repeat back her what she has said like 'so you feel...'. That way she knows she has been heard.

Then maybe suggest you get into the habbit of having a quick sit down chat every week to just touch base. See how you both are feeling. Talk about plans for the week ahead etc'.

Wow - fabulous thank you, I'm pretty good with the practical stuff, housework etc is very much a strength, but the emotional tips are great - thank you

I would second everything pink bonbon says. But would add more about the ‘mental load’ that is a real yet invisible issue that often goes unrecognised. Women often end up as the ‘coordinators’ of family life and having to keep on top of everything that needs sorting, planning etc is exhausting!

Definitely don’t wait to be asked or be seen as ‘helping’ . Ideally you're both a team sharing all the load equally. There’s definitely more to supporting than just the practical bits, and whilst the ‘load’ is slightly different to emotional support, there’s no doubt carrying the stress and burden of the ‘mental load’ of family life causes emotional burn out and resentment over time that can kill a marriage so that I’d definitely keep that in mind.

Absolutely agree with pp.

So things like, who is it that's 'responsible' for making sure all the bills are paid at and right time and that the kids get to their appointments and that they are asked if they've done their homework.

Often women end up in this kind of coordination job. Perhaps because women are morel likely to be socialised into a 'what will other people need from me?' mentality.

So communication can be a big thing. Making things run smoothly - as part of a team.

Was watching something the other day about how women have something like 4 times the frequency of firbramilaga than men do. Because they don't just have their own stresses but they also take on the stresses of the man and children who do not reciprocate. So she isn't just stressed about her stress. She's stressed about yours as well. And it all just builds up.

Now that obviously doesn't mean not talking to eachother about our life stresses but it's just something to think on. Discussing things before they spiral could really help. And even just saying 'I have your back' and following through with supporting actions.

Thank you for your responses.

I've thought about it, and I would say in practical terms I have the traditionally "women" role in terms of organising life, being the co-ordinator, looking after financial aspects. I recognise the mental load this carries, having not thought about it before. I could probably do with some help myself in that regard. I do have an easier life with work though. I do however take on the stress of my own, and my wife's.

The emotional side is where I need to work harder at it, the practical side is very natural, the emotional side less so. Asking how she's feeling about life, when she's stressed out about something recognising that and supporting her.

thanks the posts all, helpful in lots of ways