I'm sorry if this is long, I don't want to leave anything vital out and also want to get my thoughts out in the hope it'll help.
I've been with my husband 9 years. 2 kids 7 and 4. Married 6 years. Both work full time on a similar wage.
I've not been happy for a while, we had some counselling and there was a slight improvement in that I thought we could move forward. But although I think I could muddle through for now, what worries me is that I'll get to some point in the future and realise I've wasted my life being unhappy.
What makes me unhappy:
--I feel like a shadow of my former self. I have nothing unique about me. I rarely laugh - certainly not with my husband. I'm just a shell. A Mum and wife that's plodding through life.
--While there has been some improvements my husband is incredibly lazy and the burden of everything falls to me - the mental load almost entirely. He will tidy up now, if I am or if I ask him to specifically do something, but would rarely use his own initiative. He also does it grumpily, which makes me not want to ask him. Not to mention his tidying is actually shoving stuff out of sight, rarely in the right places so this actually makes things harder for me.
--He talks me out of any ideas I have - anything to do with the house, days out, holidays etc. He'd happily just sit in front of the TV forever with kids in front of screens. It's a battle to get him to do anything, and if/when I do push it's hit or miss whether he'll enjoy it or be grumpy the whole time.
I do stuff on my own with the kids, so the rest of us don't miss out. But even then I find myself not telling him my plans as he'll try to talk me out of it.
--he has quite an aggressive tone. I think it's got worse, he says he's always been the same. I won't tolerate it with me or the kids and am constantly pulling him up on it. But it's often, and he's quick to anger. Though it's worth noting that he's totally non violent. But his words can hurt, and he's OTT for the situation.
--I don't want sex. The more he asks the more it puts me off. We've covered this in counselling but there's been no improvement. I want to want it, I just don't. Its not bad when we do it, I just have no desire. Probably because I'm unhappy!
--His work always feels like his priority. Obviously it's important as we need the money, but it often feels unnecessary. His job is not that important. E.g. last week was our youngests birthday and he had to work overnight (kind of unavoidable, though with some forward planning could have been avoided). He said he'd leave the house at 8.15am, but as long as he was at work by 11.30 it didn't really matter what time he left (so really could stay home with her until 9.30). He left for work at 7.45am. And then didn't see her until the following evening.
-- I'm the default parent. He'll discipline them (in ways I don't necessarily agree with, too much shouting and threatening to throw toys away - but it's still involvement), but other than that there isn't much involvement. I can go out and he'll look after then fine, but he'd never take them out or do anything with them. They'll eat mcdonalds, or he'll ask me what they're eating. He might cook super noodles or make a sandwich. He expects them to sit on tablets or in front of the TV and gets fed up that they're not quiet. He doesn't keep track of clubs, school etc. You get the picture. He loves them and they're not neglected, but he's not a great parent. It's on me and its exhausting.
I haven't painted him in a good light. I will try to explain why I feel so much doubt over leaving:
-- I know these early years with young children are hard. Maybe things will improve.
-- he's loyal and he loves me and the kids.
-- it would totally break his heart if we split. I worry about what his life would be like.
-- he's shown me he is prepared to change and improve, although it's slow change but it is the right direction.
-- I did love him once, maybe I could again.
-- it's such a massive decision. If its the wrong one there's no going back.
-- I love his family. I get on better with them than he does but they're his, and if it comes to it they will choose him. I have no doubt about this. If they can they'll keep a good relationship with me, but it'll never be the same.
I'm resentful over:
--finances. He has doubled his salary since we met, mine has recently dropped as I took a step down. While I did want the change, it's because life is so overwhelming. If he'd stepped up I might not have needed it.
--finances (again). I brought more to the relationship and he'd walk away with half. I could JUST afford the house on my own, but not if I had to buy him out. The house deposit was 100% from the sale of my flat. I feel like a fool. I even have personal savings (shares etc) that don't total loads but he's had the same opportunity but wastes his money.
--giving up time with the kids. I don't mean day to day, the break would actually be nice. But special occasions. He doesn't do anything to make occasions special, yet he'd get that time with them.
Sorry its so long. In an ideal world we'd work this out. I'd love to be happy, for things to work out.
But I can't see a happy life. I want to get out and do stuff. To make decisions about my life and the house. To take the kids on cool adventures. I can't see that life with him.
How do I make the decision? Can the relationship be salvaged? Is it fair to ask for that much change?
The doubt just won't go away.