How did you get your mind off divorce?

[userzH]

Absolutely devastated it's over yet wouldn't go back if you paid me....

It's a frustrating feeling.

He was very abusive and moved straight on to the next woman. Pretty much abandoned our 5 year old son. I don't speak to him unless I have too.

I can't quite work it out. Some days I feel so sad yet I don't know why as he caused all our stress and trauma - all of it.

For my son I'm devastated. I'm doing my best for him. I support him all the way and am doing everything right. For me....I just don't know how I feel. Like I say, id never go back yet I miss my family. I used to dream of being free of him - now I am and I feel numb.

Is this normal?

Separated 5 months now. Divorce is processing.

He moved on to the next woman within 2 weeks. Introduced our son to her then buggered off out of his life claiming his anxiety is bad. He's out every weekend with her apparently.

How did you get your divorce out of your brain? It's on my mind 24/7. I can't think about anything else. It's driving me mad.

I remember reading somewhere that even when you’re glad the relationship is over and know it’s the right thing, there’s still grief. For example grieving the loss of the life you thought you were going to have all together. Grief for the relationship you’ve lost, grief for your sons relationship with his dad etc. So yes, I think it is normal for it to be on your mind and to go through the feelings you’re having. Could you try something like guided meditation to try and give your mind a break? Hopefully other posters will be along with other practical suggestions too.

It sounds completely normal.

I think you need to add value to your life so you have stuff to look forward to and enjoy in the moment. I know this will be difficult since you have your child but there's still some possibilities.

You just need to go through it as awful as it is. Take each day at a time. Counselling if you can get it can help. I did a lot of reading around unhealthy relationships to avoid jumping straight into another one.

My suggestion probably won't be helpful if he has dumped your child, but I made the most of my child free days keeping busy with hobbies, going out and am now decorating my house by myself! Focusing on the future.

My marriage ended nine months ago. It feels like no time at all and a life time ago. But the more you do by yourself, each little bit day by day, it gets easier. My ex also ended up with someone else quickly. But it says more about him than me. He couldn't cope on his own but I can. We still get on and have got to the point where we can talk about things without screaming at each other. I've told him it hurt me that he moved on so quickly and he says it's hurts him to see me managing so well by myself. He felt like I never needed him (which is true! 🤷‍♀️)

Thank you for your advice - you are absolutely correct with it all.

I haven't seen my ex in almost 5 months as there was police involvement at the end. Not seeing him does help.

Also the fact he moved straight on helps in a strange way - like you say about your ex, it says more about him than it does me. He also can't be alone, has very narcissistic tendencies. Which then shows me that his relationship isn't based on anything healthy, it's based on his constant need to be adored.

Equally if girlfriend can't see that and also thinks he's some sort of catch despite abandoning his child then it just looks even more unhealthy to me.

I am healing alone. I feel lonely yet not ready to meet anyone. I've done loads of courses and still in therapy and I do hope I know what to look for if I ever feel ready again. Right now I do think I'd just be looking for someone to take away some of the pain which is why I won't do it.

It's just strange - I feel like time is going so slowly yet I feel like it was only yesterday that he was at home with us.

He has been very abusive and showing no signs of change which might sound pathetic but I'm sort of pleased about. I don't wish any bad on him yet if he magically changed the minute he left me then I'd be absolutely devastated. His actions since us separating show the issue was always him - not me.

Thank you for sharing, I'm glad I'm not wrong to feel how I do. I'm throwing myself into home improvements and just trying to get on with it.

One minute I just despise him and the next I miss him....yet I also can't stand him and the thought of seeing him again makes me feel sick

They are all normal grieving processes you are going through. I was the same as you but knew deep down in my heart it was the right thing to do. Sure your ex is using this other OW as a distraction from everything.

Possibly. He asked me to file for divorce when he was angry so I did (as it needed to be done) yet it took him 2 months to actually acknowledge it.

He's claiming his mental health is bad with anxiety and that's his reason for not seeing our son yet apparently he's out every weekend with her. Not a thought for our son or what this is doing to him. He's incredibly selfish and self centred.

Because of all this, I'm certain I don't have any feelings for him but I'm getting frustrated at myself for thinking about him all the time. He left me with a hell of a lot of trauma so it's just processing it all and trying to get answers - yet I know I will never ever get them.

Sure his mental health isn't good, this is probably very stressful for you both, especially if a lot of shouting and disrespect between you both. When I find that I am struggling with a situation/problem I try and stand back from it all mentally and look at if from different points of view. Sometimes we get so stuck in our own beliefs of how things should be, when it rarely happens that way. As for not thinking about it, staying busy and maybe reduce counselling as if your constantly discussing it you will never forgot about it.

With all due respect, he uses his mental health as an excuse for EVERYTHING but never does anything about it. Towards the end of our marriage was torture for me. His actions were just awful. He was toxic. He blamed it all on his mental health yet didn't do anything to attempt to change. He had a couple of gp appointments and did therapy for a short time (a few sessions) but that was all. He expected tablets and a few weeks of counselling to be enough to change him. He isn't prepared to put the work in to be a better person. He just did what he thought he needed to do to keep me on his side.

We also never shouted. I refuse to shout at him. He can shout at me but I log absolutely every call we have. I am as nice as pie to him. I know him well enough to know that even the slightest attitude from me he will use against me to make me look like I'm crazy. He did it with his other exs. Even the tone of my voice he would use to make me look crazy to his new girlfriend so I won't do it. Plus we hardly speak anyway.

I believe he is 100% a narcissist which is obviously a mental disorder but he doesn't feel he js the problem and that in itself is the issue.