Is she attracted to someone else/having an affair

[JohnJohnlegizmo]

Hi, Long story short, I gave up my career some years ago so my wife could pursue a career abroad, I became the primary carer, we moved back home and I struggled to get employment, I used to be well paid in a technical job.
I found work but due to tragic circumstances that job was lost, I started my own business that failed.
For a few months now my wife has been distant, hardly talking to me, using her phone a lot, she has no interest in our sex life at all. Has been very defensive about money, I don't know how much we have left or where it is etc.
I feel like I am almost intruding in her life when I ask her things, she can be very curt with her responses. She seems to be getting her hair cut and coloured and nails done far more frequently.
Anyway, it came to a head and I asked if she wanted to stay together and she said no, she wants a divorce.
At the same time she has been out of the house quite a lot, at theatres as a guest of companies, restaurants, etc, she went out two days after telling me and didn't even ring our son who had just got a place ay Uni.
We have talked since and things have improved but when she works from home she gets lots of calls but there is one particular person that rings and her face just lights up and she always goes away from me into the other room.
The she says shes on an away day that requires her to stay overnight, but its 20 miles away, I asked why does she have to stay away, it went from having to stay away to wanting to so she doesn't get back late and leave early, however, this never seems to have been a problem before, it's normally what she does. I am just worried something is going on and I am looking for advice.
Thank you in advance

I think you are right to be suspicious. I would say it’s time to get your ducks in a row.

Yup, looks like she is having an affair or is very unhappy in the marriage.

Realistically, it doesn't matter if there's an affair or not. A divorce can be for any reason (or no reason) and that doesn't affect the process. Except that those with affairs often want to move things along more quickly.

How old are the children? Presuming they aren’t nursery age you need to get a job

She said she wanted a divorce...that's a huge statement and not one that's said lightly. I'm not sure any amount of talking to fix that quickly.

She's told you she wants a divorce and from your description of her its obvious she's not interested in trying to save the marriage. For whatever reason shes checked out. She may well be seeing someone, her behaviour makes it sound likely. Are your children old enough for you to get a job? If so l would start looking for employment asap and start preparing to separate.

I’ve nearly fallen in love with you just reading about the sacrifices you made for your wife. This marriage is over. And you will meet someone better and be remarried within 2 years. Get a divorce, find someone else.

I feel very sad for and say, with kindness, you seem to be in denial. She’s told you she wants a divorce. It’s over. I can see how the fact she hasn’t begun divorce proceedings yet may have led you to be in denial but she’s told you what she wants and has since shown you that she’s not going to change her mind. Ducks in a row and start protecting your well being.

Believe me I am trying !

Honestly, yes it sounds like there’s someone else - either it’s already happening or her head has been turned by someone else at least. This along with saying she wants a divorce are strong signals that’s she’s checked out beyond the point of getting things back. I’m sorry you’re going though this.

I would speak to a divorce solicitor and get some advice now - you’re vulnerable as the one who’s stayed at home with kids etc, and especially as she’s withholding information about finances from you. If you are in UK (and many other countries) you’re entitled to a fair share of joint finances, but she may be already getting her ducks in a row to avoid losing too much in the divorce. Get legal advice now. Good luck.

I do not want to separate, I was a product of a broken home and I know what that did to me.
We aren't at each others throats and the children don't know anything.
When it comes to money, I would effectively be taking it from my children ultimately if things were nasty.
I am not in control of this situation but I am going to let things play out and see where things land , The children are my primary focus and I want to do what is in their best interest.
It feels like a real punch to the guts, don't get me wrong it takes two to let things slip and I am far from perfect.
I really piled on weight, a lot, and that has affected things I am sure, I would give my right arm to change that decision to move abroad, I never really wanted to go but I wouldn't have forgiven myself for ruining that opportunity for her.
Thank you everyone for the help and advice

If you have piled on weight it probably is making a difference.
Shallow it may be but I couldn't stay with my dh if he was obese.

I think you need to practice some self care.
Look for a job, any job.
Eat properly and exercise.
Shower daily, I'm sure you do, and get an interest.

It may not save your marriage but you will feel stronger physically and mentally.

Please don’t try to cling onto someone who has already checked out. My husband is doing that to me but I can’t afford to leave him yet and have nowhere to go. She has told you she wants a divorce; that’s probably not going to change.

😂 I shower every day of course !
Remember currently I can’t afford to leave my wife either, even if I wanted to. My message to all is never ever give up your financial independence . It’s a desperate position to be in

Your home is already broken OP. Your children are learning unhealthy relationship dynamics.

It's better to split amicable and co-parent well.

But you are right you have given up your financial independence, did your wife contribute to a pension for you? I really hope you get back into work soon.