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Original poster

Is this a brush off?

30 replies

Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 11:46

After some advice about whether to follow up on a guy I really like or if you all think it's a dead end.

Background is that I'm a single mum of teens and recently bumped into a man that I used to know from a long time ago, before kids etc. At the time I think we had a strong mutual attraction but nothing happened beyond lots of long conversations.
I bumped into him at an event a month or so ago and he recognised me and came over to chat, and gave me his number.

We exchanged a couple of polite messages and realised we were coincidentally going to see each other at a connected event this weekend - but each going separately with friends. We spoke briefly at but it wasn't really suitable for chatting (though I suspect he could have made an effort to find me if he really wanted).

The next day I sent a quick message just saying how nice it was to see him briefly and telling him something funny that happened to me on the way home. He replied a few hours later telling me about how his evening had gone and then finished off the text by saying he hoped to see me at another event soon.

Tbh, it is very unlikely that I'll bump into him again randomly as we live in different cities.
I guess this is a polite brush off which is sad. As you can tell I'm really out of touch with this sort of thing - the last time I tried dating was before smartphones!

OP posts:
JoanThursday1972 · 04/03/2024 11:52

I suppose if he wanted to take it further he would have. Do you know if he is single or not?

ShirleyPhallus · 04/03/2024 11:54

It’s the natural end of that specific conversation

if you want to ask him out you should, you have absolutely nothing to lose

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 11:54

@JoanThursday1972 yes, he's single

OP posts:
notagainski · 04/03/2024 11:56

It's a brush off. He's not interested in taking it further and he's making sure you don't have any expectations of anything happening with him.
I wouldn't message him again. If you see him at another event then chat to him if the opportunity arises.

I've had something a bit similar happen recently. If someone is interested they will show it. I don't mean that we should expect the other person always to make the first mood but if we've written something chatty and casual and they then brush it off then they aren't interested.

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 11:56

@ShirleyPhallus sadly, I'd never have the guts for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 11:58

@notagainski thanks, that's what I suspected!

OP posts:
NorthernSturdyGirl · 04/03/2024 13:50

Well this is just one of those scenarios where it could go either way and without knowing the people involved its difficult to say.

Maybe he is comfortable chatting but didn't get the guts up to say something all those years ago and maybe he thinks he missed the boat. If he has remained single all these years, that could be the issue. Maybe he thinks you would have said something if you were interested, many women do - I suspect that like me, you are not one of them. And then again he may have friend zoned you!

If you are both backwards at coming forwards, you will never know!

Be brave, message him and tell him next time he is in town, to let you know as it would be nice to catch up over a coffee? If he says no, that answers the question but it was coffee not a date...if he says yes and contacts you swiftly, he is interested......

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 15:02

@NorthernSturdyGirl Thank you for this advice, I think it's very perceptive. He's certainly very shy (as am I) and has remained single. I was very surprised when he recognised me after all that time and then mentioned he'd kept all our old 'memorabilia' and gave me his number.

Maybe I'll leave it for a while and drop him a quick line about meeting for coffee when I next have plans in his city. I guess the worst that can happen is he'll politely brush me off again!

OP posts:
Epidote · 04/03/2024 15:43

He has your number. You had shown him some interest the ball is on his court if he wants to see you he will make an effort.

Shiningout · 04/03/2024 16:10

I'm usually shy but tbh in this situation I'd probably just message and asked if he wanted to meet up sometime. Nothing ventured nothing gained. If he doesn't want to it's not likely you'll keep bumping into him so it's not as awkward as if he was in your friendship group or something.

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 16:48

@Epidote thanks, I agree. I certainly won't be contacting him again for the foreseeable future.
@Shiningout I'd never be brave enough to do that!

OP posts:
TheMushroomFamily · 04/03/2024 18:36

people on MN seem quite… I don’t want to be rude but desperate! Always advising op to “go for it” and chase men that clearly aren’t interested. Leave it, don’t chase him. Most men even if they aren’t interested in you would shag you then drop you.

Shiningout · 04/03/2024 19:13

TheMushroomFamily · 04/03/2024 18:36

people on MN seem quite… I don’t want to be rude but desperate! Always advising op to “go for it” and chase men that clearly aren’t interested. Leave it, don’t chase him. Most men even if they aren’t interested in you would shag you then drop you.

Oh I'm not desperate (if this was aimed at me!) I just say what I want now I'm older, I don't fear rejection as much.

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 19:18

@TheMushroomFamily I probably am a bit desperate! But I'm definitely not going to let him get an inkling of that!

OP posts:
TheMushroomFamily · 04/03/2024 19:26

Sorry I don’t mean you op it’s just on these types of threads there is always people saying “go for it” no matter how disinterested the man seems

pictoosh · 04/03/2024 19:30

It's a polite brush off, yes. I agree with those that say he'd have taken his cue if he was keen.
Don't take it badly...it's just a mismatch. Move on. x

ILostMy20s · 04/03/2024 19:34

Just send a casual message along the lines of "It was great to catch up, might you be interested in going for a coffee sometime?" or something like that.

It often amazes me people take to the internet to ask strangers who have no idea of the situation between the individuals, and then use those responses to validate their (often negative) conclusions that he must not be interested.

If he's shy, just ask the guy! Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. It's not desperate at all, but will give you a definite answer one way or other rather than leave you coming to a conclusion that may not even be correct.

ymemanresu · 04/03/2024 19:41

It's a brush off, men want sex, if there's any chance of getting any when single, they will let you know if they're interested. Even if shy. You're not like 18 i assume?

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 19:43

@ILostMy20s thanks, it's true that asking strangers might not give me the whole picture, but I've been out of the game for so long that I don't even remember the rules anymore! I don't fancy asking my friends about it either as they'd be far too invested.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 04/03/2024 19:50

"If he's shy, just ask the guy!"

I can see where you're coming from and yes, there are probably a lot of potential romances snuffed out before they even began because someone was shy.

But

Honestly? Who can be arsed with wheedling it out of a shy guy? You want to feel desirable and sought out, not second-guessing lukewarm responses.
If he wants me he'll make the effort to seek me out at an event we're both at. He'll naturally expand on the contact I've made. He'll want to impress me.
If he's not doing any of that, I won't persuade him. Need more oomph than that.

ILostMy20s · 04/03/2024 19:51

Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 19:43

@ILostMy20s thanks, it's true that asking strangers might not give me the whole picture, but I've been out of the game for so long that I don't even remember the rules anymore! I don't fancy asking my friends about it either as they'd be far too invested.

A lot of people miss out on opportunities like this because they're either poor at communicating, or never knew the other person liked them. If you've not been in touch with this guy for a while and haven't exchanged that many messages, he may not even be aware that you like him - or even that you're single.

It might be a brush off, it might not be. At the moment, you're just assuming it is. But if you don't take the impetus, you'll never know definitively for sure.

ILostMy20s · 04/03/2024 19:55

pictoosh · 04/03/2024 19:50

"If he's shy, just ask the guy!"

I can see where you're coming from and yes, there are probably a lot of potential romances snuffed out before they even began because someone was shy.

But

Honestly? Who can be arsed with wheedling it out of a shy guy? You want to feel desirable and sought out, not second-guessing lukewarm responses.
If he wants me he'll make the effort to seek me out at an event we're both at. He'll naturally expand on the contact I've made. He'll want to impress me.
If he's not doing any of that, I won't persuade him. Need more oomph than that.

Has you considered that the guy in this situation may be unaware that OP likes him, or is even single?

There are several plausible reasons beyond "oh he's just not interested" that it seems people are quick to dismiss.

Yes, a lot of times people will make it obvious when they like you. But it's not ALWAYS the case, for numerous different reasons. Take a chance, OP. Life's too short to be left wondering.

Original poster
Shad0wcat · 04/03/2024 20:43

@ILostMy20s I hadn't thought that he might not realise but I do have a horror of obvious flirting (my idea of very heavy flirting is smiling and saying hello!). I also have a strong suspicion he's autistic, Aspergers runs in my family so I'm v familiar with and am attracted to that kind of man. Gonna leave it for a while and try to forget about it and possibly contact him when I'm next in his city.

OP posts:
notagainski · 05/03/2024 10:00

We spoke briefly at but it wasn't really suitable for chatting (though I suspect he could have made an effort to find me if he really wanted)

That was the first opportunity to show he was interested and he didn't.

The next day I sent a quick message just saying how nice it was to see him briefly and telling him something funny that happened to me on the way home. He replied a few hours later telling me about how his evening had gone and then finished off the text by saying he hoped to see me at another event soon

Second opportunity to show he was interested. He could have asked you when you were next going to be in his city and if you wanted to go for a coffee. Instead he sticks to "another event soon" - which is not moving it on to a more personal 1-to-1 level.
That's why I think he's not interested.

Also, he could have asked you a question about whether you were married or something, if he was really interested. Then he would have known you were single.

I'd leave it now, unless you happen to be in his city and then you could maybe suggest meeting for a coffee and see what happens, but don't get your hopes up.

mondaytosunday · 05/03/2024 10:40

I don't think he's at all interested. He may be shy or whatever, but do you want to be with someone who is so totally unable to do anything? He has friends, he's social - he would be able to ask you if he wanted to. He just doesn't.