Daughter is upset she is spending Mothers day with her Father.

[Bossiellio]

Help me manage this with DD5.
I've tried to explain to her its just a day and every day is Mother's day to me. I've explained it's only until the early afternoon and we can do something after she sees her father and no doubt he has something fun planned for her.
DD is upset because they've been doing Mother's day crafts at school and she wants to be with me on the day..I'm only unconcerned about mothers day because I know there's literally no point asking her dad to swap the day as he's vile and abusive and I try to grey rock and have minimal contact with him. He would rather have DD5 upset with him than rather she had his day with me.
How can I manage this with DD I've tried all angles and its not registering.

Ask her to chose a day which is her own special Mummy's Day... like next weekend. Big it up to be this weekend is for all Mothers... but that date is even more special because its just the two of you.

Do it on the Saturday.
Tell her it's extra special as it's extra early.

Could she help you choose a new book/bubble bath etc? You could then tell her you will have a lovely morning using her present and getting excited for seeing her in the evening?

Is she with you on Saturday?
Explain that how some people celebrate their birthday on the weekend because their birthday is on a school day or a holiday, you can do the same for Mother's Day.
Or she can leave a card for you and you'll open it on Mothers day morning and you can celebrate when she gets back.

My now adult still talks about how upset she was when she had a meal with her dad on Mother’s Day one year and how she had really wanted to be with me . Your daughter is very young tho and you can ‘imprint ‘ a different memory . Make your own tradition .
I would do everything you can to make a different event where your daughter gets to give you her gifts .
Plan a special outing that is special for you both
Take lots of photos of you together and then get them printed and make a display

We've got a nice day out planned on the Saturday so I'll just make that mothers day.

She was really upset bless her, school told me at pick up she cried..
I try not to fixate on special days as I'm not dealing with someone who is reasonable but just because I'm not bothered doesn't mean she won't be.

I have to ask, if he’s “vile and abusive” why does she spend any time with him?

Get someone to send her a letter giving her special dispensation to have mothers day on Saturday. Hell, I'll do it if you send me your address. Something semi official looking - a certificate or something from the official "Office of Mothers Day".

Tell me you've never dealt with abusive men without telling me you've never dealt with abusive men.

So if he always gets Sunday will he get Father's day as well?

Honestly, I would have Mother's Day with your daughter. You have years like this ahead of you. Is she going to be upset every Mother's Day, or are you going to sort it out now?

Just to add, doubtless he is vile and abusive and I realise it makes things difficult.

Contact is court ordered so there is little point asking a very unreasonable man to swap. I've spent the last 3 mothers day facilitating his contact which previously took place in a contact centre. I realised after the first year asking him to swap to the Saturday and him saying no that there was very little point.

I'm not dealing with someone who will prioritise how DD feels and can co parenting with me.

Another sticking point atm is her birthday which is on my weekend with her but he feels he should have the weekend as previous years he's always spent them in a contact centre.

What a nasty man. Every sympathy.

Another sticking point atm is her birthday which is on my weekend with her but he feels he should have the weekend as previous years he's always spent them in a contact centre.

Tough cheese. He won't swap for mothers day. If you want to be nice, you could ask him if he wants to give you mothers day and you'll give him her birthday, but I wouldn't do that myself.

God what a selfish cunt he is to upset a little girl. I know this doesn't help but I makes me realise how lucky I am - tho we are no longer together my daughter's dad offered to swap days around so I could have her for MD - as I would for FD of course, as any decent person (who celebrates the traditions - know not everyone does) would do.

As PP's said, just make it clear to her you will be celebrating it on a different day. She may also need to do this in the future with birthdays, Xmas etc. My dd (who is a sanguine person and a bit of a raconteur) was always wheeled out by her school to "comfort" kids of newly divorced parents, and apparently would cheer them by telling them how great it is that you get double of everything .....

There is an art to making a virtue out of a necessity that is handy in these cases!

Do you feel you can say if you swap Mother's Day I will swap for birthday? Or is that not worth it

And yes - if you show your ex you are bothered he will stick to it even harder just to spite you from the sounds of it.

I almost wonder if you could double bluff him - pretend to have a hot date lined up that day that he will then want to scupper by refusing to have DD. (I am not really being serious about the date thing, but if you can do try not to show him he is upsetting you. )

Does she go to him on Sunday morning or on Saturday evening.

If Sunday then make a big deal out now of having breakfast together on Sunday. Make out it's breakfast that's the be all and end all of mother's day.

It's a shitty situation you're in I'm sorry to read.