Can anyone point me in the right direction please??

[alianna]

This might sound ridiculous to some people but I’m burnt out mentally and physically and Just wondering if anyone can advise me where to turn for help. I separated from my ex over 2 years ago but I’m still lying awake at night over the guilt of being the one to end the relationship. I don’t know why I’m still like this 2 years on. I lie awake a night obsessing over how much I hurt him and remembering him being so hurt (at the very beginning of the split) I also lie awake at night thinking about how I may have ruined my children’s lives.
Why is this still happening? My ex has moved on and my kids are happy so I don’t know why I can’t get over it.
was so so unhappy in my marriage. I can remember all the feelings I felt for years, like feeling unloved and blamed for everything and walking on egg shells, thinking I could do nothing right because of all the criticism from my ex, feeling ugly etc etc but I can’t SEE the bad times in my mind anymore only good times!! Is that normal??? Does it even make sense?? I’ve been to about 5 or 6 different counsellors/therapists but have to keep dropping out because I can’t afford to keep seeing them and anyway they were all blue in the face from telling me to move on, forgive myself etc etc and it made no difference. I hate feeling like this. I’m constantly worrying about my kids, I absolutely adore them, they have been my whole life since the day they were born and they are the only things that keep me from doing anything hurtful to myself to free my head of this guilt. Someone has to know where I would get help with this please? Maybe counselors aren’t the answer?? My GP just keeping giving me anti depressants which I take but maybe there is another route I can take? Thank you for taking the time to read

You state your ex has moved on and your kids are happy, but what about you?
Can you make a list of all the things that were wrong in your relationship that led to the split and compare it to how you are now? How would that look?
Are you disappointed about how life looks now?
Sorry so many questions but it's difficult to reply without any background.

I really sympathise, intrusive thinking has crippled my life at various times. I had varying success with mindfulness and exercise, zero success or support from MH services, the most positive results have been using CBD products. I use gummies and sub lingual drops. Took a good few weeks to kick in but I'm more content and calm than I've been for years. I can let you know the products I buy if you want to try it.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this, OP.

I think it's very difficult to just stop thinking about things that are troubling. What is required is replacing the thoughts with other thoughts.

There was an old song that went,
'I haven't got time for the pain
I haven't got room for the pain."
You don't say what you've been involved in since the split. I think it would be good to seek out things that absorb you, that interest you, that force you to minimize the time dwelling on bad times from the past.
It may even happen that after a while you change your take on things - I had that experience with something that troubled me for a very long time - at a certain point I realised that I had misunderstood the situation and I didn't have to beat myself up after all.
I hope you will feel better soon.

Look up trauma bond.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
@TheSilentSister I thought for years if I got to this place I would be so happy and content with my life but I actually feel worse. I’m not as on edge as I used to be and if i don’t feel like doing housework and just relax for the day I will, those things are nice to be able to do. I know I am not useless and can do things for myself. I miss my family unit although I know being back in that life would be horrible. I would love to check myself in somewhere for a couple of months and get help but obviously can’t do that.
@Domino20 I would try anything that would make me feel better thanks
@Tenisiac thank you so much. I am going to check out your website now. My head feels like it is constantly full. Like there is a huge amount of stuff going on in there and I’m the reason for all the bad stuff. I’m not getting any better as time goes by, only worse to be honest. I’m in a new relationship also but can’t give my all to it as I’m constantly looking for signs he is like my ex and so can’t relax and let myself be happy. I’m nitpicking at any little thing he does that I ‘think’ is wrong. Sometimes I feel like I’m treating him the same way my ex treated me if that makes sense.
@ShrubRose @wendyelliott thank you also for your advice

This. I think your emotional brain is idealising your relationship, and hijacking the more rational part of your mind.

https://kloris.co/

This is the supplier I use. Like I said, it took probably 3/4 weeks to start working but I slowly realised that I was having periods of experiencing happiness and hadn't had any bouts of anxiety at all. My own particular brand of intrusive thinking involves very vivid images of violence and I don't really get it at all now.
I have a gummy and 3 drops of the 1000mg oil. It's quite expensive to start with but since paying full price for my first bundle there have been so many offers that I've never paid full price again.
Good luck!

Thanks so much @Domino20 xx

No problem at all. I really hope you find something that works for you.
I have another suggestion that I've found very helpful which I forgot to mention, Gaming! I can't tell you how helpful I've found it and you can pick up second hand consoles quite reasonably. I play Fortnite mostly (zero fucks given if people think it's childish) but there are loads of genres to choose from. It's so consuming that it's impossible to ruminate while playing.
All the best x

@alianna You posted on my thread, so I read yours. Honestly it's like you are living my life, it's so similar.

I am doing a bit better than when I posted, though I am still very up and down.

Some things that have helped me a bit, just in case they help you.

Cooking - I wasn't eating properly at all when the kids aren't with me. I've started cooking for me and it feels good to be looking after myself and it's also quite mindful so I don't think about other things.

Getting outside - I make myself go for a walk. Bought myself I cup that I can take a cup of tea in with me. Always makes me feel a bit better.

TV - Finding some new programmes to watch.

Planning my days when the kids aren't here, so I have a plan. Might be seeing a friend, might be tidying the house, but I try to have a plan.

DIY - Trying to make my new house a home.

Reading some books about emotional abuse. It helps me have perspective.

Talking to myself kindly, like I would to a friend who was in my situation.

I definitely haven't got it all figured out and I'll probably be posting again saying how I'm struggling, but at the moment I'm just focussing on having slightly better days and then I'll build on that.

I hope that helps a bit. I'm having therapy too and it has helped, but it hasn't solved things so I'm following your thread for more ideas too.

I ended my marriage and 23 years later I still felt guilty cry and wish I hadn’t done it

@Domino20 my friend swears by gaming! Not a bit childish she loves it to help take her mind off things

@JessicaGerbil i couldn’t believe it when your post popped up I had to double check to see if I wrote it and had forgotten that I did at some stage 😁 so so similar, from no communication even in front of the kids for their sakes to struggling without them doing 50/50. To be honest I don’t eat properly when they’re not with me either. Just takeaways or throwing something quick on for myself. When they’re with me I always have nice dinners but don’t take the same care of myself when they’re not. I will start to try though and thank you for all your advice. I used to love reading but stopped before I separated as I couldn’t concentrate and still can’t but hopefully will get back into it at some stage. Isn’t it crazy that even though you know what you went through and you can specifically remember the feelings you felt during the bad times like it was yesterday but still the ‘good times’ seem to take over your mind making you doubt the bad times, like did they ever happen?? Must try therapy again. Might try to put the money aside every week and save up for it. It’s tough just having one wage as I’m sure you know. Glad you are feeling a bit better too, some days are better than others for sure xx

@Mylippy that is so sad 😞 hope you’re ok

@alianna This is so strange. I used to love reading too. I’ve read some books about abuse but haven’t read a fiction book since the divorce. It’s something I really want to get back into but I just can’t focus.

Totally get what you are saying about remembering the good times. I’ve written a list of the bad times and look at that sometimes to help me remember. It’s so hard though because it wasn’t bad all the time and I miss the good times. If I’d stayed we would have had good times again (and bad times too).

I think I’m going to try and do one positive thing each week and hopefully build some new positive habits. This week its go to bed at a reasonable time instead of scrolling for hours!

@JessicaGerbil I understand totally what you’re saying and when thinking about it now the good times were when I organized stuff for us to do or if everything was going ok to his liking in the house. The good times could be ruined in a second with a put down or a sarcastic remark about me which I was supposed to laugh at and if I didn’t there was something wrong with me. I have had family members tell me since that they couldn’t believe the way he spoke to me but I wonder why they didn’t say it at the time. It might have made me believe a bit more in what I knew was happening instead of doubting myself and believing I was the problem. I often wonder if there was some form of communication from my ex even in front of the kids or even some kind of communication from his family it might make things a bit easier to deal with but I have been blanked by all of them which doesn’t help with the guilt I feel and makes things awkward for my kids but what can you do. Hopefully from the advice we’ve been given we can start to heal 🙏

ps that is mad about the reading 😆 I couldn’t go to bed without a book before this and I miss it so much. You know the weird thing too is I used to go upstairs to bed early reading my books so I could be asleep before he came to bed and even though that is a horrible way to live I sometimes miss being able to do that too!!

@alianna Just checking in to see how you’re doing?

@JessicaGerbil I’m not doing too bad. Day by day for me still. thank you so much for asking. Hope you are feeling ok too xx