Is it time to drop this?

[Lilllypad11]

Before I even start this. Please go easy on me in the comments. My ex of 6 years cheated on me so I put my guard up really easily around men.

I’d gone on 4 dates with a guy. I honestly loved every date in person they’ve all been a vibe.

Before we even started talking or going on dates he said he was a bad texter and he works 8-8 pm. Fine. But I didn’t know how bad. It’s awful. So recently, it’s been worse and worse in the realm of replies the other day was 2-3 full days between.

Today I just made the decision to bin it off. The poor replies and lack of consistency just don’t do it for me. I came out a 6 year relationship after being cheated on and I’ve just come to a stage where I had enough and couldn’t tolerate his awful texting. Communication is super important to me. I haven’t said it to him via message but I truly think it should be common sense.

On thing I learned after my breakup is time goes so fast and I can’t be bothered to spend it on someone who barely even offers the bare minimum.

The sole reason I’m binning it off is the bad texting. Am I being unfair or within reason here?

It’s whatever your needs are.

Sounds like you need something else - so not compatible.

Doesn’t mean he’s bad or you have to blame him - you are just not compatible.

He’s at least honest and upfront.

Don't understand why you don’t feel able to be the same to him?

I'd say so. He doesn't want to text a lot and you would like a boyfriend who texts a lot. Probably not going to be compatible.

Yeah I don't think it's the cheating thing as such, you two are just not compatible if you like texting and he doesn't particularly.

It just strikes me as exhausting and it makes me anxious which I really don’t enjoy.

If it makes you anxious, bin it off. But being constantly available, even at work, all day is exhausting for people too. And it's been the norm for 5 minutes. I'm not sure it's helpful.

Yeah like by stomachs on my mouth. It makes me push food round my plate. Makes me feel like if it’s making me think like this it’s just not right for me. Consistency is key for me. Even if it’s one reply a day. That’s fine by me. But leaving it crazy amounts of time just makes me feel like I’m inadequate and I don’t enjoy the feeling.

I do think you're maybe not ready for another relationship yet, though. It should be fun.

You've only been on four dates which you've said you really enjoyed. That's great! He's working 12 hour shifts, and he says he's bad at texting.
It's only early days OP, give him a chance!
Just tell him you would really appreciate a message from time to time.
I hope it works out for you!

Honestly, I’m just scared. My heart was broken when my ex left me. I was just torn to pieces. Like honestly, I just didn’t know how to even get out of bed. I distinctly remember going to work the day after it happened and it feeling like my world was crashing it was so surreal. That experience just ruined me. I’m in therapy, I am a woman with needs too, but I can’t tell you the level of fear I feel in general. He just ruined me. Twice. And it’s my own stupid fault.

Bin. Deffo.

@Lilllypad11 "I’d gone on 4 dates with a guy. I honestly loved every date in person they’ve all been a vibe.

Before we even started talking or going on dates he said he was a bad texter and he works 8-8 pm. Fine. But I didn’t know how bad. It’s awful. So recently, it’s been worse and worse in the realm of replies the other day was 2-3 full days between. "

It's really early days and you've loved every one of the four dates (which isn't a lot of dates). He told you he was a bad texter, plus he works punishing hours; so the long delays don't mean anything, - but I can totally understand the anxiety/insecurity. But it's actually a good thing he's not one of those people who spends half their life staring at their phone - would you prefer a keen texter who looked at his phone constantly and texted other people during a date?

I think I'd give it a bit more time, given the vibes you get with him in person, and because it's such early days, and recognise that the problem is also your own insecurities. A bit further down the line you could tell him that communication is important to you, but at this stage it'd be too much pressure when you're not actually/officially going out with him.

Yes, i know that feeling, and it's very, very hard to trust again. I don't know your situation, but you ended your post with 'my own stupid fault'. Try not to be harsh on yourself. Maybe you could talk it through in your therapy sessions. I hope things work out for you either way!

You don't sound ready to date again yet OP.

It wouldn't be fair on you or the person you're dating.

I'd leave it a while longer.

My boyfriend would always respond to any messages I sent but would only spontaneously message me every couple of days. I told him I would prefer more frequent texting and he agreed. Now it's every day, which is enough for me.

Agree with other posters that you’re nowhere near ready to be dating if a near stranger you’ve met four times makes you feel sick and unable to eat because you’re so anxious when he hasn’t been in touch. That’s a completely disproportionate response and level of attachment to somebody you didn’t even know existed a month or so ago.

I think you need to establish why it is that you have such a need to be in constant contact with somebody you barely know and what it represents for you - because somebody’s ability to send a few text messages a day doesn’t prove anything about their intentions, their commitment to you or their loyalty. Somebody can text you whilst they’re waiting for the other person they’re dating to arrive at the pub, or in between scrolling Tinder, or whilst their partner is out of the room. You can find hundreds of threads on this board from posters who were love-bombed by men who were constantly texting them and paying them lots of attention, who then got bored quickly and dumped them or turned out to be players doing the same to three other women. Texting some idle rubbish “how’s you?” and “good day at work?” to each other every day isn’t “communication.” So when you say communication is important to you, what do you actually mean? If you’re desperate for the regular texts because you think they mean he won’t have any time to cheat, or indicate that he’s only interested in you, you’re looking for reassurance from the wrong behaviour.

Communication is super important to me. I haven’t said it to him via message but I truly think it should be common sense.

It might be super important to you, but it's not to everyone, so therefore it's not a matter of common sense, it's about differing needs.

If you're not getting what you need, to the extent that it's making you unhappy and anxious, then you're not at all unreasonable for ending things. It's not anyone's fault, it's just a difference in communication style and maybe schedules. They seem like small things when you like someone, but they are often the big things, or the foundations of the big things, anyway.

It just sounds like you're incompatible in your communication styles. Noones done anything wrong, you just don't work together.

My DP for instance would have run a mile had I been messaging her daily four dates in, she'd have been freaked out because it would feel like too much too fast. Even 17 years later, if one of us away we'll happily go a couple of days between messages.

But that works for us, it wouldn't for you. The early days of dating are all about finding out whether you're compatible or not. You've found out you're not already, so time to move on.

OP have you looked into attachment styles? You sound 'anxious attached' like myself. There are ways to handle this, have a look at the book 'Attached'.
I wouldn't end it yet. Give it time, work on yourself and enjoy the time you spend with him. I get how you feel, I'm the same. Thankfully my DP is also a frequent texter but even if he texts every day the anxiety will find another way in unless you deal with it.

Communication is super important to me. I haven’t said it to him via message but I truly think it should be common sense.

OP do you see your contradiction here? Communication isn't just about quantity but honesty and directness. You want him to message more but you haven't told him this, and expect him to just know via telepathy.

At the very least, if you've enjoyed the dates so much, you should be able to communicate your needs and see how he responds (in a healthy relationship both of you would probably compromise to meet halfway).

I'm a bad texter so I don't think his rate of messaging is unreasonable. If you need more then you need more - but you need to communicate this!

If you're unable to come to a compromise after this then it may just be simple incompatibility, with neither of you being in the wrong per se.

I think ending a promising new relationship for this reason would be daft. You have just got different communication styles. He's not doing anything wrong.

2-3 days for a reply? No thanks. I wouldn’t consider myself too needy but that’s just not on. It’s like a ‘oh maybe if I have I’ll text her’ like you’re a side piece or an afterthought. Nobody likes feeling that way!

He’s not really done anything wrong, I agree with others that it doesn’t sound like you’re really ready to be dating.

however if you need what you need and he can’t give it (rightly or wrongly) it’s just a compatibility issue

also you value communication but have decided not to communicate that to him?