Feeling like friendship is ending due to different life paths

[friendforgotton]

I have a friend from uni, we were best friends for many years after in fact, even when we lost touch with other people, our friendship became stronger. We are now in our mid 30s.

My friend has always had a partner but I have always been single despite trying to find someone. She got married 4 years ago and I was her bridesmaid. Her married life didn't change anything for us, but when she went on to have a baby, who is now 2 years old, I noticed the change.

I feel she has become so distant since the birth of her child. She barely gets in touch anymore, I know it can be hard when you have a child so to start with I just thought 'she's busier now', the contact has dwindled a bit but when we met up (baby in tow or otherwise) it was just like old times and I loved seeing her baby and bought him presents and sent him birthday cards etc.

I last saw her in mid january, a meeting with just her, and it was fine I think! She even messaged afterwards to say she has a nice lunch with me. That was a lunch I suggested, and going back over the last few meet ups we've had, it has always been at my suggestion when it was always equal before. I notice mostly its me who initiates conversations now looking back over the last year and that hurts. I would have loved to have had a family, and she knows this. I also mention how much I would like a baby but of course being single its not possible, I have mentioned this a lot recently so I sometimes wonder if I should stop making these comments in case she feels awkward?

I notice she has been tagged on facebook going places and doing things we used to do or usually do together with new 'mum friends' who shes met at groups. Its like she doesn't think to ask me anymore and asks them instead.

I did bring up about 6 months ago that I was sad I don't hear from her and we are not as close as we used to be but she said its just that she only really messages people now about babies and that I hadn't done anything wrong but she didn't think i'd be interested in baby chat. I responded that I like to hear about her baby! As I do.

Long story short, she takes days to respond to any messages I send now, doesn't put in as much effort with the messages (eg, telling me what shes been up to or making much conversation) Forgets to check in with me about big things happening for me or generally.

I have decided to take a step back as i'm hurting and she hasn't seemed to notice, it has been a month since we last had contact. The longest we have ever not spoken.

I don't know if this is the end of the friendship now

Life’s too short - she just has another focus now the baby which changes your relationship dynamic. My best friend has never had children - like you she was very interested in my daughter and used to draw with her in the kitchen for ages! They are still very close! I am pretty sure you two are fine - things have just changed - and her top focus at the moment will be her baby. I’d keep up with her (you obviously want to) and suggest something for you both to do, something she can bring baby along to too. I love visiting another friend who has a baby (my daughter is grown up now) it’s such fun chatting together - and yes, the baby occupies a lot of the topic of conversation but I love this and we certainly talk about other things too. You’ve reminded me I must get in tough with her again! Things do sometimes have a habit of slipping …

Your life changes when you have a baby, even when you try to tell yourself that it won't. It does. Priorities are different, and it can't be helped. Your brain is full for one thing, and you do tend to gravitate towards other people who are experiencing the same as you, which is why she has new mum friends.

She's making mum friends because she needs to know people who share similar experiences to her. It's not a personal thing against you, she's just doing what most new mums do. She needs these new friends because they genuinely understand and share in the realities of parenting and she might even learn something from their experiences. It's also good for her baby to meet other babies at these playdates, helps build social skills etc. It doesn't necessarily mean they will best friends for life but they definitely serve a purpose right now at least.

However I totally understand it's hurtful to feel shafted. If stepping back and perhaps finding your own new friends is going to be useful, then do it! But closing the door completely I think is a little harsh.

Mums need mum-friends to stay sane.
It really isn’t anything personal. If you have kids one day you might find you come back together again over your new shared experiences. Babies really do take over your life and rightly so, because they need you on such a human level. Literal survival! Don’t cut her out completely. She may not be as okay as you think.

Speaking from experience, I find keeping up with friends really difficult since becoming a parent. It’s so hard, as PP said, your brain is “full” all the time. I am sure your friend thinks about you more than you think and does intend to meet up, give her grace just now and bite the bullet for a while, she won’t want to lose you and it seems you don’t want to lose her. Keep the contact, and I’m sure things will get better once life is less hectic 😊

Its good to hear some replies from her side of this, but she isn't EVER reaching out to me anymore, so its feeling really one sided. I just feel it shouldn't be this hard for her to reach out and ask me 'how are you?' its like she isn't interested in my life any more because i'm sadly not a mum :(

Yes OP, it might be more than simply being a new mum. You know her and you sense she’s genuinely pulling back from you, so for your own dignity and self preservation, I would invest a lot less and focus your attention elsewhere.

OP - it is what it is

A "friend" is one that feels the same way about you, if not, they are not a friend

I don't have a single friend. I have family and some of them are like friends but a school/uni/works friend, I have none. Life does not revolve around friends.

I could almost have written this, except I had a baby a year before my friend did, and kept up with her and other friends. Contact dwindled, always initiated by me. I asked if I had done anything wrong and she said no; things seemed the same when we met up. Actions speak louder than words though, so I eventually accepted the relationship had gone, cut my losses and mentally moved her from the 'friend' box to the 'acquaintance' box. I do still miss her. Anyway, my point is that you may have grown apart anyway, but the small amount of free time one has with a young child definitely will make that worse.

Rather than considering the friendship finished, could you just park it for a while and concentrate on other people/interests, then see if she comes back to you? If not then it's ended.

With respect, I don’t feel like someone with absolutely 0 friends can provide advice with a friendship matter. That is a really unhealthy way to live

I find all the "she's a mom now, of course she's to busy for you" replies really sad, and I have three kids / was one of the first to have them.

Yes my relationship with friends changed, I spent 18 months in and out of hospital but I still managed to ask how they were, listen and empathise. It was five years before she had kids, and now her youngest is three years younger than my youngest. She's on the thick of it and we don't see each other as much. But we still care and demonstrate that. I have friends without kids I've known 30 years. We do meet ups with the kids and without. We celebrated my friend's new house or another's new job even though they don't have kids and most of us do. They make appropriate comments over shared photos just as we do over their pets. Because we care.

Op on your shoes I think you have to decide if it's better to have her in your life but know it's on you to keep her there, or to leave it and see if she notices. You may just have to reframe your friendship to something more casual

I've had so-called friends, I hope you are now able to comprehend my post. However, in adults life from about the age of 14 no real friends. Had good college and uni friends and work mates but never brought them home and I lost touch with them when I moved on.

Sadly, too often i see one-sided friendships.

My best friend doesn't have children, I have two (9 and 6). In the early stages of having the kids I was literally surviving, she worked full time so we couldn't meet in the day and my evenings were spend laying in kids rooms with them willing them to sleep, weekends got taken over with family stuff and I really struggled to make time for my friend and missed her so much! I did do things with new "mum friends" because we were all in the same boat and free in the day, but even though I saw them more often I never had the same "best friend" relationship. I'm really glad my friend was patient with me, I'm emerging from the other side and we're seeing each other much more and making fun plans (shows/spa days/concerts etc). I just couldn't do that before. If you're able to just tick along for a year or two (maybe more!) and not take it personally I'm sure things will be better again. It's so hard when life stages are mismatched. Sending you a hug.

I can understand your hurt OP. If you’re struggling with wanting to be a mum and you feel like it’s something missing from your life you may be feeling that this perceived lack in your life is why your friend is distancing herself. In reality, she’s probably not consciously distancing herself…it’s just that life has changed completely for her and therefore so have all of her relationships. Life is just so full of ‘stuff’ when you have a baby and you just don’t ever switch off from that role.

does this have to be so black and white though? As in end the relationship or keep it the way it was? Can you not work towards accepting the change and that relationships evolve over time? You can be sad for what the relationship used to be and that’s ok…but it is different now and you can find a way to be okay with that too. Try finding a balance between what you had and what works for you now. And maybe have an honest conversation with her. If she is a good friend, it’s worth trying to find a way through this.

OP, I understand why this is hard for you. I think there's probably a few things going on here. The first is that as others have said, she's in a place where being a mum is probably pretty much all consuming. It is entirely possible that between caring for her child and building friendships with new people for this stage her life, she doesn't have the same time to focus on old friendships.

I think it's quite normal for older friendships to be less constant at this point. they do come back.

Having said that, if you are constantly complaining about how much you want a baby, that might also be a factor. it might well be that she doesn't feel like she can be around you as she feels uncomfortable with how jealous or envious you are. I would dial back on the wanting a child chitchat. Or consider doing it alone if you really do feel that way.

Hang in there, because she is in a phase where she is very tied down and has a toddler demanding her attention at all times - it is honestly easier to socialise with other people whose heads are being melted by the same process, and you know they are genuinely interested in discussing local nurseries and won't be horrified if you whip out a travel potty and plonk your child on it behind a bench in the park.

As lovely as your child-free friends are, you remember being slightly appalled and repulsed by early parenting stuff when you were the child-free friend, so you are constantly trying to not bore or horrify them. It doesn't mean she likes you less, or isn't looking forward to seeing more of you when she gets her life back a bit. So obviously build on other friendships, but don't write her off yet.

I've seen many women become so subsumed by motherhood that there's barely room for anything else. They live and breathe their kids from dawn to dusk. It sounds like your friend is one of those. I would like to reassure you that they come out of it eventually, but I know plenty who just move on to grandkids as soon as they appear on the scene. For some people, there is nothing much beyond the horizon of family.

The only advice I can offer is back off, grieve the friendship and move on.

Hi op yes would leave it up to her now. I used to find it healthy having a break from kids the odd time. Would she do cinema drink etc? If she wont commit just leave it......

Friendships ebb and flow. I've had two kids in the last few years, and I do find it hard to keep up with my old friends. It doesn't mean I don't value them.

I definitely no longer have time for friends who want to be in constant contact with me. I'm too busy and my brain is too full.

You last saw her in January – that's not very long ago! Perhaps it's not that the friendship has ended. Maybe it's just in a new phase?

Sorry but it takes a minute to send a message.

I don't agree just because you have children, you can magically forget your original friends exist but oh, be able to put energy into other friends, just because you have more in common. I think that's pretty selfish to be honest.

I have a lot of friends with kids and guess what, they managed to message me.

I certainly don't expect to be on their minds all the time or be messaged every day either. But if someone truly gives a shit, they will find a way. I learned that the hard way in life.

You can still message even every couple of weeks, just to touch base. There is no set time but you can still make time.

People who don't then will wonder where all of their friends have gone.

I'd prefer open communication. If someone is busy, say so and that you will be in touch soon, then that is fine too.

Also, it sounds like op would love to be in touch about the baby and that makes it even easier so why not let her? Of course people's lives change but true friends adapt over time surely?