Should the passage of time erase ex treating me badly at the end of a relationship?

[Clairyl]

He said some really hurtful things to me at the end of our relationship 3.5 years ago, after being together for many years. I had to see a therapist afterwards as it took me a long time to feel myself again.

Today, I avoided an event where he was attending as I didn't want to find myself in a situation where I had to speak to him. We haven't really seen each other since, once only from a distance.

I'm long over him now, but was angry for a long time at how he ended things and what he said to me, so I don't want ever to become 'friends'. Am I being reasonable or should I forgive and forget?

It shouldn't be erased. You shouldn't forget because that leaves you vulnerable to it happening again, but it should ycease to matter.

He is a lowlife, not worthy of your attention. Move on to focus on nicer things. But if you don't want to see him, that's fine. Your choice.

I think it's normal that bad memories reappear at times, in the same way as good memories do. Therapy helps to process them so they don't destroy you but I'm not sure one can make oneself "forget". You may be able to turn it for the positive....thank goodness he's gone! That sort of angle.

I'm in a very similar situation buy it's my daughters dad as well so I have to see him quite a bit still. I still find little things reminding me of what he done or said in the past and getting angry over it and feeling all the pain again.

I think I've dealt with it by seeing him as 2 different people. He is the man that broke me that I'm still allowed to get upset about but him as my daughters dad is a completely separate person.

It's the only way I can survive it. He can't hurt me like he did when we were together because we are no longer together but it took a bit time to get there.

It’s ok not to be anywhere you know he’s going to be.
You don’t have explain anything to anyone or spend any time reasoning out your feelings now.
Give yourself permission to put him back in his box and slam the lid. He’s history.
You are not being unreasonable to avoid avoid avoid.

How he treated you is testament to his character. Why would you want to have someone in your life who has such crappy morals. Forgive for your own benefit, but he doesn’t deserve your kindness just because it was some time ago. I always say to others about my ex who treated me horrendously at the end of our relationship, if he’d have beaten me up so badly that I was in a coma, should I forgive him just because I pulled through? Of course you wouldn’t, just because it wasn’t physical doesn’t mean it wasn’t as serious. You have the luxury of not having to put up with his poor character ever again.

Thank you. I was doubting myself, was I being silly, but what you say makes so much sense. I can see now I've had a lucky escape and am glad I'm out of it. Therapist also advised no contact with him. I'm not bitter and am usually a nice person (I think!) but don't feel like having to make friendly small talk with him

I've an ex who I continue to avoid now a few years later, so no, the passage of time is irrelevant and doesn't wipe out treating me badly.

I avoid my ex who is still with one of the many women he cheated on me with and I avoid the pair of them unless absolutely necessary- adult DCs weddings etc. I view it as necessary to protect my own MH but often feel judged by others that I should "move on". Take control and do what you feel comfortable with!

there no need to forgive but you certainly can forget
different situation but similar I was brought up in a house ruled on fear both me and my mum would get a slap off my dad that is a VERY brief summary
my life could of been so much better and as a person it dragged me down and moulded me into a different person I could of been

when he died it was left to me to care for him and nurse him through his last days
there was a pivotal moment where
you can’t change it can’t fix it no desire to unpick it and deal with it
I felt nothing no sadness no bitterness it was liberating

Over time you will care about it increasingly less, but you aren't obliged to be friends anyway.

I have two exes I tried to stay friends with. One, over time I just got more and more fucked off with him, and we very rarely speak now - i am still close to one of his kids or we probably wouldn't speak at all.

The other is my daughter's dad, and I don't know whether we would have stayed friends if we didn't have a child in common - you both share a unique deep interest as co-parents so I think it's easier and more natural to be friends, unless of course there was abuse or an affair or something......

With a normal ex, these days I'm not sure I'd even bother.

Healing isn’t linear
despite what we imagine it can take years if not decades

so whilst you might be better , he wronged you
And hurt you a lot

im curious why you are even asking this ?
theres no law that says you have to forgive someone that really hurt you

I'm asking because, like a previous poster, I also feel others think I should have moved on- which I have in a lot of ways, but for my mental health this is what I'd prefer. Thank you for saying healing is not linear.

Who are these ‘others’ ? Maybe if they don’t help this is a discussion to avoid with them ?

I’ve spent the past 4 years healing from two exes and I’ve made peace with the fact that healing isn’t linear
I wish it was , but seeing as my ex clearly still hates me- it’s universal

Your healing for 4 years makes me feel less silly for still wanting to avoid him after 3.5. If there was something I absolutely did want to attend, I think I would, but still don't want to have to be in his company otherwise.

Forgiving is an entirely separate thing to wanting to be around him. Up to you how or whether you forgive/forget, but you should only consult your own disinclination/inclination when it comes to wanting to be around him.

i think it's absolutely fine not to forgive and not to forget, as long as it's not actively harming yourself or the other person.

one guy at school was extremely unpleasant to me for 3 years. not enough for it to be bullying, but every now and then i'd get a shove/punch as he walked past, or an elastic band pinged at me from point blank. there was absolutely no need for it - we never spoke, had no mutual friends/interests, shared no classes, had no interactions where i could have upset or offended him - he was just a prick.

he happened to be in a football match i was playing in once as adults - he tried to chat and i cut him off. i wasn't rude, but i had and still have no interest in ever speaking to him.

30 years on, it doesn't affect how i treat anyone else i come across, and i am very much a live and let live person.

but he can fuck off.

that doesn't make me bitter. it just means i have no desire to associate with people i know for a fact are or have been purposefully nasty.

Great advice, thank you. The others (friends) I mentioned all think he's wonderful, they don't know how he treated me at the end, and I wouldn't speak bad of him.

Well that’s hard to stomach

at least my circle hate my exes too !

but seriously you have to explore how you use your words to shut down communication and pressure to be around him gracefully and firmly

They don’t need to know the tawdry details
but you shouldn’t have peer pressure to socialise with someone who was so unkind to you