Separation, 'Bird Nesting' and Universal Credit

[Iliketreenames]

Hi, I'm wondering if someone can help as I can't seem to find any other threads on this.

I am on the cusp of separating with my partner of 15 years. We have 2 DS together, one 4yo and one 2yo. He's a great dad but we have issues that we just can't work through and I've been unhappy for a long time.

I'm a bit further along in the process emotionally than him, and I'm interested in 'bird nesting' - where you keep the family home, the kids live there all the time, and the parents take it in turns to stay there, e.g split the week, so one parent does mom-weds, the other thurs-sun etc. I've read lots on the topic and it can provide stability and security for the kids. We also love like co parents already as my partner is away half the time!

My question is- if we are each responsible for half the bills include the mortgage ,take it in turns to be there, how do I claim universal credit?

There are options to say I don't have a partner, which would apply, but as we would both technically be registered at the address I'm a bit confused.

Would I have to ask him for his half of the bills as a child maintenance payment and then claim to show I am paying mortgage and all bills etc?

We are both self employed and I work about 30 hours a week.

Thanks for any help you can give.

(And please no opinions or judgement about leaving the father of my kids, that's not up for discussion:-) )

I should add this 'bird nesting' would be a temporary thing, while we all adjust. I have no idea what we will do in the long term.

I don’t know any of the rules around benefits claims but looks like you will be changing nothing about your current set up so why do you need to make a claim?
Is it because you need somewhere to go when he would be doing his days? Where would that place be? Would he stay there when he’s not at the family house? Where does he go now?

Where would you be staying the other part of your time? I think you would need to set up your finances with two separate properties, one for each of you as a registered address, alternatively there's a mechanism where you can claim uc at the same location but housing wouldn't be included, I would add that mortgage is dealt with differently anyway so it might not make a difference. To claim uc whilst at the same address you have to have completely separate lives eg not eat together if you read the rules (no idea how they check!)

It's a pretty unusual situation so really not sure if the benefits system is really understanding if it's long term. Is he up for this too? I only know one person who has made this work and it was very specific circumstances with profound disabilities of one of the children and house was an adapted council house (the dd has become the actual tenant now as she's early 20's and both parents live with new dps.)

Thanks for your replies.

The reason I'm looking to claim benefits is because at the moment, we are reliant on his income and that's a cycle I am looking to break.

He works away a lot, and when he's around he works long days in London (we live in Kent) on an unpredictable schedule, which means it's impossible for me to take on more work /earn any more money and be financially independent. I feel trapped.

Having some benefits to supplement my income will help as a stepping stone towards financial independence, because until we are completely separated, and set days that are ours to solo parent, he will continue to book in work all over the place and render me trapped.

We would each be staying with family/ friends on the days where weren't in the family home but at some point I would need to rent somewhere else.

Yes the rules on eating together are strange aren't they?!

You can claim benefits if you’re living together still but have separated, if you qualify. Give them a call and explain and ask for advice but I’ve definitely seen people claim when living together still but most of those didn’t work but if you qualify I’d think you would be eligible. I think it’s a good idea short term, but I wouldn’t live like that for long as it’s hard to move on properly

If you're working 30 hrs why are you reliant only on his income? What do you do?

Also just to explain how our situation would be different:

Currently, I am self employed and work roughly 4 days on a contract with a charity. I always end up having to squeeze this work into fewer hairs as my partner books in freelance touring work and then just leaves me to pick up all the pieces and solo parent. But at the same time is always stressing about money, asking me to get more work, and then uses money worries and his reason to book more work away. It's a catch 22- I keep taking on more work but have to squeeze it into less time as he's not here and we don't have hell from family with childcare etc.

I want us to separate, so that we each have a set part of the week which is ours (rotating weekend etc). This will allow me the proper time I need to do my work, and be a better parent the rest of the time.

Yes at some point I would need to pay rent on a room in a shared property/ another house

Thank you this is actually really helpful 🙏

I'm freelance in events. But don't get paid enough to cover mortgage, childcare, bills on my own

I'm not sure you would actually be entitled to benefits, particularly if you have a mortgage and aren't entitled now.
Also, if you are going to share the children 5050 he is not required to give you maintenance.

While it's a good idea in theory it doesn't work. Yes it means the children stay in one place but where will you go ? It's a very expensive way to live? It's unlikely you could rent another property to only be in 50% of the time.
What if you meet someone else ? What if he does ? How will that progress ? Could you live together ?
If you have another property your dc will feel separate from that.
This will not work, I have experience of this.
I know you don't want to disrupt them but divorce does.

It sounds like you are trying to force him to step up as a parent and take on a fair share of the childcare load.
He is prioritising his work and earning and trapping you into being default childcare thereby reducing your earning power.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think this is going to work. He will continue to prioritise his work at your expense and you will be unable to force him to step up. He will let you down and you will be left doing everything.

I can’t answer the question about UC but your xh sounds like a selfish dick. Are you sure that bird nesting will work? Have you had the discussion about cleaning/washing/buying food/household necessities (eg toilet roll). I just worry that this will all get left to you.

We nest the children and have done for years. We stay with our partners the rest of the time (and my partner often comes with me when I’m the live in parent). We have our own rooms in the house. When my ex and I lived together we set up a joint account for bills/household expenses/school shoes etc. and that has just continued. It works for us but I appreciate it’s quite an unusual situation. In your case it doesn’t sound like you’ll be doing 50/50 since he’ll be away most of it so the bulk of the childcare will fall to you, therefore you’ll need to put in a CMS claim. You may both also need to consider getting better paid jobs. The novelty of living with family/friends will wear off quickly and it’s not something you can rely on longer term.

Hi OP, I am in very similar circumstances with an Ex who is away freelance touring and then when home also works and spends most of his time in London. I too was incredibly dependent on him financially as I was always in charge of all the childcare. I can completely resonate with how you are feeling. It does feel incredibly trapping and it’s so hard to co parent with someone who offers no consistency.

We have been separated for two years now and I have had no luck in getting him to step up in any way. He prioritises work and his social life and makes excuses for not being around. He talks the talk about missing his children but the truth is he has no desire to parent. In fact he now vilifies me to others (parents, girlfriend, friends) about how unreasonable I am to try to make himself appear like a great guy.

I just wanted to say all of this as I am worried you may have expectations of him to parent in a way that never materialises.

For me personally because of the lack of consistency on his part it has made no difference to work for me as I simply can’t rely on him at all. Like you I have no family support too. Is this likely to be an issue?

The reason I'm looking to claim benefits is because at the moment, we are reliant on his income and that's a cycle I am looking to break.
Is becoming reliant on benefits instead of his income fair the way forward though? How would you get him to commit to 'his time' babysitting each week if he won't do it now? I'd be so anxious that he'd accepted extra work for that time!

I only know one couple who successfully ' nested. Their DC are older and they have agreed to nest until the youngest goes to uni. They have 3 DC. Eldest 24 now, middle DC 20 and youngest DC 17. They have been nesting for 18 months now. They nest in the family home one week in the house one week in the flat. They bought a flat together after they separated. I know this seems odd but it does work for them. So in week 1 she is in the house with DC 3 and he is in the flat. Week 2 he is in the house with DC 3 and she is in the flat. He is in a new relationship but they agreed new partners would not stay in the house but could stay in the flat. Once DC 3 is off to Uni they are selling both house and flat sharing equity 50/50 and pension sharing. They were married for 26 years but both work full time. They remain good friends mainly because both put their DC first and neither try to shaft each other. Also he is not a jerk and does lots of chores around the house and flat. Both leave house/flat clean and tidy for change over.

uc will look at whether you are a joint household. If you are splitting all utility bills and the mortgage I think it would be difficult to prove you were not a household. Even food eg. If you are in the family home Mon to Thursday would you empty the fridge before he came home? Prob not. Would the property you lived in when not at the family home also be shared with him eg he would also live in it when not in family home or would it be yours alone? It would prob have to go to a decision maker on us to determine if you you were “living together” and you might find they found you were. I think most people who do nesting are well off enough to not claim benefits.

This - it's not like you are having to fund another home and still have the same income coming in and only half the mortgage costs to find, it's not like you are suddenly having to fund a huge mortgage on your own is it ? Where is the one not with the kids going to live ?

If you are going to be claiming UC as a single person you will need to look for work as soon as your youngest turns 3.

Sorry that was to op.

I doubt you could claim benefits, you could claim child tax credits.
Maybe you need a mindset change, or a change of plan. With the amount you STBExH works, and his irreguar hours, I doubt he could commit to a regular half the week system. If its largely left to you now, you can assume it will be even more left to you after a split, you just won't get him to do more childcare than he does now, whatever he claims.
Better to take it as you are a single parent of 2. Then your income becomes a mix of working full time and accept paying for childcare (rather than sqeezing hours in to avoid it) and claiming child tax credits, plus CM off him, which will hopefully cover childcare costs. That way you are not relying on his will at the time, which he could change, leaving you in the shit.

No one can make a new claim for child tax credits anymore. They haven't been able to for years.