Dating someone who seems infatuated with me and I’m not sure?

[MountainAsh12]

I’m in such a conflicted situation. I’ve been on four dates with this guy and he’s due to come round to my house later on for a meal. He seems utterly infatuated with me, sending me messages all the time, buying me gifts, talking about booking a holiday already 🫣. He’s said he’s deleted his dating apps. Lovebombing or is it possible that he’s just really keen? He’s from a very different culture, so I suspect there’s perhaps a cultural element to this as well?

Either way, I’m unsure about him, so I’ve been holding back from constant texting, etc., and the long gushy messages, because I don’t want to lead him on if I decide not to see him again. I like a lot about him, but I want to take things slowly to see how things progress and to see whether we are in fact well-matched, but he’s really full-on.

The problem is that I feel like I’m leading him on by continuing to see him even though I’m clearly not as interested in him as he is in me? And I’m worrying about how I can call it a day without really upsetting him, when he’s so full-on? Urgh. Advice please?

Of all the things you chose to comment on, you leapt immediately to the thought that a foreigner must be after a visa. Yep, that's racist.

I wouldn't have any man round to my house that a) I wasn't keen on, and b) is showing signs of being intense/needy/infatuated.
I would put the brakes on this and if you want to carry on seeing him keep it on casual and neutral ground.

@MountainAsh12 you are suffering from the ‘BeKind’ syndrome where women put aside their feelings and their needs for the sake of being kind to someone.

Stop!
being kind and respectful of other cultures/people does not mean you need to accept someone making you uncomfortable in your own home.
Just now it doesn’t work for you. Whether it’s too quick, loving bombing, different culture, it SIMPLY DOES NOT MATTER.

I’d go as far as saying that you should cancel the date tonight, as it’s at your place and you’ll find it much harder to get rid of the guy of you decide to do so.

Erm. What is a visa to do with British citizenship ?

Amen to this! 🙏

@gannett, Of all the things you chose to comment on, you leapt immediately to the thought that a foreigner must be after a visa. Yep, that's racist.
OP at that point hadn't said he was a foreigner, only that he was from a very different culture.
I'm not racist.

You can see through the BS, trust your gut feelings, when it's this full on and it's only four dates in, he doesn't know you well enough, it's generic lovebombing he would do with anyone.

@Porkfest Yes, that pretty much sums up my childhood to be fair! I grew up with a narcissistic mother!

You owe him nothing. Fuck being kind and not hurting his feelings, he's made you uncomfortable and that's huge. Don't see him because you feel bad, just tell him it's not working for you and end it. Again, you owe him nothing.

It’s significant that you are aware of that and how the imprint is shaping how you react to situations (accommodating them whilst repressing your own needs / wants / feelings / wishes) - but you are not a trapped child now who had to do that back then to survive - now you have agency to pay attention to your physiological feelings - anything that leaves you confused or unsettled - is a flag to withdraw, pause, etc.

In this instance this man is intrusive, oppressive and setting the pace on his terms - and you are sensing that. It’s to meet his needs (sex most likely) not yours.

Listen to @Porkfest !

And I’m worrying about how I can call it a day without really upsetting him, when he’s so full-on?

His feelings are his responsibility. Not yours.

It can be extremely hard to re-wire childhood patterns but it's vital. At least you're aware of it.

Don't get bounced into something that makes you so uneasy. This relationship is not going to make you happy.

Ime people from different cultures approach the mating game in different ways but his way is not one that makes you comfortable or happy. Frankly from whatever culture he's going -way- over the top, too.

It's too much.

Personally I would step away.

The last thing you want is to end up in a relationship with him for the sake of politeness!

Ooh I had someone after me for a visa - I knew what he wanted instantly!

OP you sound a bit unsure so scrap the meal and go for a coffee or walk (if it's not raining), you can decide then.

Definitely love bombing.

could you be straight with him, and tell him you’re finding him a bit full on and to rein it in a bit.

You are leading him on buy accepting gifts (unless they're low value) and not shutting down talks of a holiday. It depends whether you aren't as keen as he is, but might give him a chance if he tones it down, or whether you're not keen and you don't want to see him. If you are still interested, just be honest and say the gifts and talk of a holiday are moving too fast for you, and you would like to spend more time getting to know each other. That shows you're still interested, whilst laying down the boundaries.

I don't think it's necessarily love-bombing, some people just get their idea of romance from films and think that they need lots of grand gestures to prove their interest.

Spot on- it does not matter what his reasons are for the behaviour. You have a right to feel uncomfortable even if he might be well intentioned.

It's all about the boundaries and expressing that something is making you uncomfortable. I assume you haven't confronted him about the gifts and you've slept with him so this is muddying the waters. Whilst you don't owe him anything just because you've slept with him, you've validated his feeling that his behaviour is welcome. Do not accept any more gifts, however insistent he is, because he thinks that the gifts are pleasing you and therefore wasting money.