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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need help please

13 replies

Rosemae0926 · 01/03/2024 21:33

Do you think this is fair, my boyfriend has practically been living with me the past 4 months, I rent on my own, pay my council tax water etc, I’ve paid for all the food shops and fed him, he does all his washing here etc, he’s maybe contributed half to the shop twice. Now he’s “living” at his moms and paying board there even though he’s there maybe one or two nights a month if that, we’ve spoken about him “properly” moving in but he always says oh I basically do don’t I, I just don’t find it fair I’m literally paying for everything on my own whilst he has a better job than me, I was basically hinting about him contributing but his reply was “ I’m gonna pay my mom board this month she’s struggling” meanwhile I’m not exactly well off paying for absolutely everything on my own, his mom also has his brother living there who pays board too and she owns her home with no mortgage etc am I being heartless in just saying he can go back and live with his mom if he can’t contribute to living with me, also getting him to do his part of the cleaning is annoying as he won’t do it unless I tell him and I just feel like I’m nagging

OP posts:
ohmygolli · 01/03/2024 21:54

You MUST tell him to pay his way
he’s using you and it’s not fair.

don’t feel bad, you’re not a nag.
either you’re living together or you’re not.

Moonlightandroses44 · 01/03/2024 22:21

What is this man adding to your life?

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 01/03/2024 22:23

What a catch - marry him immediately!

GreigeO · 01/03/2024 22:23

He’s a cocklodger. That’s not what you want in a long term partner is it?

Janetsmug · 01/03/2024 22:27

If he's not even making an effort 4 months in this is only going to get worse OP, you want (and deserve!) better than this don't you?

StarDolphins · 01/03/2024 22:29

Stop hinting & either he lives at his mums or you tell him he needs to pay £xx amount each month. He’ll get away with what you allow him to.

spookehtooth · 01/03/2024 22:38

It's your house, so don't negotiate. Decide what you want, and then tell him how it is.

If he ends up being at his mum more, decide where your boundaries are wrt food, washing and anything else you feel isn't fair currently.

This is really important, beyond this issue. It's settling the rules generally wrt negotiating every kind of difference. If you take this, more shit will follow

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/03/2024 22:40

Ditch! Get out before you get too dug in, he's showing you exactly how much he values you, listen to him.

BCBird · 01/03/2024 22:41

I been.there. He will.no.doubt convince you you are being unreasonable. I ended up thousands in debt. If he wants to eat and use facilities at your place he must contribute . Even giving money is not enough, he needs to fetch shopping from too

IHateLegDay · 01/03/2024 22:48

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 01/03/2024 22:23

What a catch - marry him immediately!

I agree! Also make sure to have children with him so that he can put all the child rearing onto you as well!

OP, honestly you have a cock lodger.
He doesn't contribute ANYTHING. You are basically mum 2.0 to him.
Do you think it will get better? It won't.

twingiraffes · 01/03/2024 22:55

Bloody hell - don't let him move in, he's a freeloader.

He likes it better at yours than at his mum's for one reason, and one reason only. No prizes for guessing what that is.

Opentooffers · 01/03/2024 23:10

He's worked out that the pittance he probably pays his mother is no where near the cost of half all bills and food he should be paying with you. Heck, he should contribute even if just spending all his weekends at yours. You have been way too soft with him, and he's taking full advantage of that.
He's effectively had a trial moving in period by stealth, but now you should be looking back and seeing how he has spectacularly failed that trial. Off you pop, back to your Mothers. Wouldn't surprise me if he's not paying her either on the grounds that he's mostly at yours, you should ask her? Or just boot him out.

DancingFerret · 02/03/2024 10:26

He's a user, OP, and even if he "officially" moves in there's every chance you'll still be keeping him.

There will come a time in your life when you look back at this relationship and kick yourself for allowing this loser to use you in the way he's doing.

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