When does being cautious become breadcrumbing? How do I find a way forward?

[Teaandbiscuitty]

Separated from DH 18 months ago after quarrels with his family, a lack of love between us and a lack of support from him.

9 months ago we started getting along extremely well again and talked about getting back together. We decided to give it time by dating again and spending time together when the children are in bed and other times when we have childcare. We have given it time and although there has been no huge arguments or anything like that, it's still very hot and cold. He will suddenly try really hard and be very touchy-feely, only to back off again. It's a continual dance of back and forth.

We have talked openly about all of this and he says he is scared of hurting our children if it doesn't work out again so feels cautious. I understand this entirely.

So, I've suggested that as a solution, we have some relationship counselling and he has said absolutely not. He is adamant that counselling does not work for him. So I've said ok, what is the way forward then? And for the last three months, all he has said is "I don't know."

I'm now at a point of wondering if he is just stopping me from moving on? Dangling a carrot? I don't think he is being that mean, but is genuinely being cautious and possibly being a little possessive too not wanting to let go fully.

But for me, this all feels very stagnant and I seem to go through a constant turmoil of feeling optimistic about us, to feeling cast aside or rejected again and again. Also, he has spent the odd week at our family home with us when the children have been off school in the holidays (as far as they aware he has slept in the upstairs spare room). We get close again, feel like a family again and then he leaves once the holidays are over and returns to his brother's house where he is living. And I miss him all over again.

I can't continue like this. I think it must be affecting the children now too as its all very confusing. We are great friends one minute and then we're having an intimate relationship again the next and then back to being friends without much explanation.

I know people here will say he's cheating but he isn't. He has always dithered hugely about every single decision he has to make and this is no different. He won't commit to our marriage again but won't commit to divorcing either. I'm stuck in limbo. I would like us to be a family again but also have reservations, so think that counselling or mediation would be a way forward. But he won't. Is he actively trying to sabotage reconciliation by saying no?

I am also concerned that he is possibly being influenced by his brother too who DH appears to want to please. I don't like his brother and he doesn't like me. Him living with him can't be helping matters.

Please be kind.

For your sanity, and the emotional well-being of DC, you need to make the decision.
He’s said he won’t do counselling so you need to either tell him it’s over & start divorce proceedings or tell him to move back in and commit.
Your DC deserve to not be put through this merry dance.

You could give him a time limit- say 1 month to either commit to counselling/rebuilding the relationship or you'll file for divorce. Personally after all his faffing about and indecision, I'd just tell him you're ending things and file for divorce ASAP.

Make the break. Take charge. End it.

You will feel so much better.

Sad and hard for a while but honestly, it's worth it.

I was petrified about ending my divorce but a year on, I'm so much happier. No longer at someone's else's whim.

That is what you are now. At your h's whim. He's letting you know that and you're accepting it.

And you'll be free if his horrible brother too.

Try and focus on the freedom. It will drive you.

This is a horrible situation to be in. Unfortunately I think you need to be brave and end it, for your own sanity and peace of mind.

Even if you gave him an ultimatum and he chose to commit, how could you trust him not to waver again in another week or a month?

The only way you can take control of your own destiny here is to make the decision yourself to divorce.

It will be difficult of course but ultimately it will be a relief to feel you have control of your own life and be free to move forwards. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness for the future. x

Yes I know that even if he does say that he wants to try again, the caution will potentially keep kicking in. I don't trust him to have the agency to commit himself fully, regardless of what struggles come our way.

I'm scared of making the final decision. I hate being away from the children when they're with him, despite all the hobbies I now have and I know that financially, with two houses to run, both of us will be broke. No more nice holidays, no more lovely treats and experiences. For these reasons a big part of me is desperate for him to make a decision to commit properly and move forward. Calling it a day isn't what I want but I'm getting nowhere with him. I wish he'd just tell me it's over and leave me with no choice sometimes.

Not making a decision is in fact 'making'a decision, which is not to take responsibility for things. Hard for you.

Why would he tell you it's over when he's enjoying all the benefits without committing?

He can see other people too because he's never committed to you so he's not broken any rules.

Yes you might be broke for a while but you might find other ways to improve your finances.

Why are you giving him all the power waiting for him to make a decision?

Do you no longer have any agency or choices anymore?

You sound broken and that's because of what's he has done to you.

It won't get better with him.

Yeah, he’s so wary of hurting his children but not so much to actually get out of his comfort zone. This man is clearly telling you that he’s still his priority, he’s using the kids as an excuse.

OP you need to move on because a healthy relationship with the mother of his children isn’t a priority for him.

Change is hard but you deserve more than a man who isn’t willing to get out of his own way.

Getting back together only to break up again and putting the children through it again is not worth it so I would quit this silly dance and focus on just being coparents.

I'm now at a point of wondering if he is just stopping me from moving on?

You are stopping you from moving on because you have not made your expectations crystal clear to your husband.

Tell him he either promises to be all in with his commitment and affection, he proves this with consistent actions, absolutely no blowing hot and cold, and he agrees to relationship counselling because it's important to you. Him agreeing to relationship counselling will prove to you that he is invested in the family you have created together.

If he does not immediately commit to this course of action, I would end it permanently. It's come to the point where you are actually the one jerking yourself around.

Yes it is you op who is putting yourself in this position.