Rubbish situation, no need for advice I just need to vent

[Aliceinwonderlandtime]

My brother has been addicted to codeine and narcotics for over twenty years now. He is autistic but has never been diagnosed. A few weeks ago he overdosed on some medication and ended up in hospital, he wasn’t safe to be released so he has come to me.

I know it isn’t his fault but it’s having a huge and largely negative impact on my life. It’s awful having him here as it’s as if his default setting is to be negative. I don’t get any quality time with my husband and I can’t just relax in my own home, feel edgy all the time. But he literally has nowhere else to go.

Vent away OP thats a really shit and totally unfair situation to be put in. I know you dont want advice, BUT at some point you have to think about you and your family. Your brother has chosen his life.

Thanks for replying

He has but he hasn’t if you see what I mean. He didn’t choose autism and that cripples him more than his addiction really.

Are your parents still alive?. Where was he before he ended up in hospital?.

It is not your fault either he has nowhere else to go. He was somewhere else before being in hospital and ending up now in your home.

It is more than ok here to put your own self first now by giving your brother a firm timescale to move out. He cannot remain in your home indefinitely.

Where was he living before? He can’t literally have nowhere else to go?

In situations like these, I ask myself how I can move within the limited remit I have.

Like, get a tv in your bedroom and retire up there with husband at 8pm.

Get headphones and wear them around the house.

Long baths etc.

Thanks for replying … he was squatting of sorts so doesn’t really have anywhere to go.

Does he live close to you?

He does now, he lives with me!

Was he sofa surfing?.

How are you going to get him out of your home?. That now needs to be your priority.

I know you are just venting so …. It sounds tough.

When you are ready for advice:

Is he still registered as homeless?

Does he have any services involved with him? Could assisted housing be a possibility? Honestly I would get onto social services. If they think he is housed and safe they will just leave him with you. If you are happy with that that’s fine, but if not you need to start battling.

If he ends up in hospital again the best way to get him housing is to refuse to have him and make a lot of noise about him being vulnerable.

Where did he live before he came to you?

Where would the hospital have sent him if you hadn't agreed to house him?

I’m finding the situation horrible but equally I can’t really send him out to nothing.

Is there any chance at all he could apply for any kind of assisted living place? It sounds tough, op. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t…

I’m not convinced he’s bad ‘enough’ (and even if he was he wouldn’t go for it.) I don’t think he has ever realised how different he is to others, it’s really sad.

Awful for him OP and awful for you too.

It's so tiring when you can't properly relax in your own home.

Does your brother have clubs or groups he can attend to give you and your husband some time to yourselves. I hope things change for the better for you all in some way.

Does he, as BelindaOkra asked, have any form of social care or social services involved with him?. I would certainly contact adult social care given that he is a vulnerable adult. He certainly cannot remain in your home indefinitely, its not fair on either of you.

From what you say, he wouldn’t be open to getting a diagnosis? Would probably take ages, but might open up avenues of support. Probably wildly optimistic of me to suggest, given the state of the NHS and MH services atm.

The problem is, he wouldn’t engage with any support provided so it’s very difficult.

Does he interact with you socially, at meal times etc? Does he have his own room at your place? I'd be inclined to treat him more like a lodger, if you can, to preserve your own space in the home. And to look into possible sources of accommodation.

The issue is he will not get housing without a push/battle - housing is a nightmare at the moment. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like living with you long term in your current set up is viable - so I think you need to start exploring options.

There should be a local housing charity that can help with advice - and I would ask about specialist placements - they don’t have to be assisted living - there are some where people are more independent. The reason it is worth asking about them is because with a diagnosis/social care involvement it can be easier to access those. So you need to get into social services first!

Sounds really crap @Aliceinwonderlandtime . It’s really difficult to feel burdened with the responsibility of being the “care” person in a family.

It’s exhausting and many people don’t realise how much it impacts on life. I have no practical help to offer but I hope you manage to make some time for yourself.

@BelindaOkra the problem is he does have a house. He’s unable to maintain it and live in it independently. He is very vulnerable to scams, he is preyed on by locals and he is vulnerable to cuckooing and he is also unable to keep it habitable. It was like going to see a display at a museum about poverty in the developing world when I went in. But he also doesn’t qualify for (or will accept) any help.