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Original poster

Should I make my brother see DS ?

14 replies

cmotdibbler · 25/03/2008 14:12

I've never really got on with my brother, right from children. Once he left home, he came back (lives 4 hour drive from parents) maybe 4 times a year, now more like twice a year. He never, ever contacts me, and thats been fine - only see him if I happen to be at parents when he's there (I live 1.5 hour drive away from them).

When DS was born, he didn't send a card/text/email to say anything. He has seen him for 1 hour 15 months ago.

DH now says that DS has a right to see his uncle, and that even if we have to drive up to see him, thats what we should do.

I just don't think its worth it, but am I wrong ?

OP posts:
sleepycat · 25/03/2008 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 25/03/2008 14:15

no, I wouldn't be arsed either. Potentially you are exposing your DS to rejection form someone who in all truth isn't really an important part of your family.

3NAB · 25/03/2008 14:15

You can't make someone be interested in your child if they just aren't.

Iklboo · 25/03/2008 14:15

Don't think uncles have 'rights' to see children. If there's going to be an atmosphere your DS will pick up on it. It's probably not worth it. Your brother might not even want contact

pedilia · 25/03/2008 14:15

You can't force people to be interested in your children, you may have to accept that he is just not interested.

StarlightMcKenzie · 25/03/2008 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
cmotdibbler · 25/03/2008 14:49

DH didn't have any contact with a couple of aunts/uncles as a child, and feels that he missed out on something. Its also that he will have no family on my side once my parents die as well.

I would never ask my brother to be responsible for DS in any way shape or form - he takes none for his own parents. My mother was upset when I told her who DS's guardians were - for some reason she thought brother should be one.

OP posts:
pedilia · 25/03/2008 14:54

I know the situation is frustrating and your DH feels he missed out but you will be doing moe harm than good by forcing the issue.

My biological father has seen my 2 oldest once and never sen DD, one of my brothers has never seen any of my children.
I just have to accept that they are not interested, that may change and the door will always be open but I certainly don't think my DC's are missing out.

Kewcumber · 25/03/2008 14:55

I think your DH has a rosy idea of what having uncles and aunts is like. Uncles and Aunts who are fully engaged, live locally and want to be part of your family are great. Disinterested, long distance family another kettle of fish entirely. I think you ened to talk to your DH about how he can't make your bro be the uncle that your DH wanted and that you need to have an alternative approach if he wants an extended family kind of environment for your DS.

nailpolish · 25/03/2008 14:56

ds isnt missing out on anything if his uncle isnt interested - if anything it would be a bad idea for ds to get the impression his uncle isnt interested

you cant force your family to take an interest in your children. just leave it - life is too short to make problems that dont exist

maisemor · 25/03/2008 16:39

What would you rather that your child has forced contact with an uncle who doesn't really want contact with your child.

Or that you child grows up, one day realising that he actually has an uncle, and then you can explain in as much detail as you want why you are not in much contact with him. That your child can go through and see him, or you can take him, if he really wants to.

At the moment the ball is really in your brother's court whether to see your child or not.

My children have contact with some of their aunts and uncles but not all of them. That is just the way it is.

Elkat · 25/03/2008 17:04

I wouldn't force the issue. As they say, you take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. If he can't be bothered to send a card or make a phone call when the child was born, then I think he is making his feelings clear - that he's not that interested. And, I wouldn't force it.

Let's face it, if you take your child up to go and see him then how are you going to force your brother to actually interact with your child? Or will he just snub your child? For your child's benefit, its probably better if he doesn't have a relationship at all, than one in which he is snubbed.

My daughter has got very disinterested relations - they're not bothered by her at all, she's four now and starting to realise what is going on. When she says things like how her grandparents don't love her or don't want to see her, then I think that is really hard for the child to take (because they do take it personally), and to be honest not fair on them. Don't inflict it on your child if you don't have to.

Just my ramblings, HTH

hecate · 25/03/2008 17:06

Well, if you are asking should you make him see your son - the answer is no.

You can't make someone care and forcing your brother into the same room as your son won't make him care.

You don't need people in your child's life who don't want to be in it, iyswim.

Original poster
cmotdibbler · 25/03/2008 19:23

Thanks for all the replies - I just needed to check that my gut instinct of 'not worth even bothering' was right and that others wouldn't be horrified that I didn't make really positive efforts to let them know each other.

Now I have a few years to think of a response to 'why do we never see J mummy ?'

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