Trust issues

[JIMMI85]

Just after a bit of advice please.

i have been with my OH for a little over 18 months now, and generally the relationship is great. Without going into too much detail she has trust and insecurity issues due to being hurt in past relationships ( as most of us have )

Anyway, something happened a few days ago and I would like some advice please.

We were getting ready for bed, I was in bed and OH was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. I got out of bed , turned on the light and looked for my charging cable for my phone as I couldn’t find it in the dark(ish) room.

I then went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and she asked me ‘ did you get out of bed? Why did you get out of bed and turn on the light?’

I replied that I did get out of bed as I was looking for something. She then asked me what I was looking for.

At this point, it was all a bit jokey, or so I thought, and I replied, in a jokey sort of manner, it’s none of your business what I was looking for. She kept asking me and I kept telling her it doesn’t matter what I was looking for. It then blew up quite quickly as she thought I was being sneaky and secretive, which although I understand I probably didn’t help the situation and I could have easily disclosed what I was looking for, I was left feeling like I shouldn’t have to tell her everytime I'm
looking for something, or who I’m messaging or what I’m doing?

If not was me, firstly I wouldn’t feel the need to ask such a trivial question, and if I did and my OH gave the same response I would just leave it there.

I know this sounds really trivial and petty, but there is an underlying bigger picture which I really really want help on pease!

Sounds like very hard work for you.

As she already has trust issues and insecurities, it didn't help by not simply telling her you were looking for your phone charger. That will have sent her mind into overdrive and possibly have left her thinking 'why won't s/he tell me?' 'It must have been something bad for him/her not to have told me'.

I do agree it is petty, but to give her reassurance, it would have been easier to just have told her.

Try talking to her and offering reassurances that you aren't like the others, you won't hurt or betray her, but equally you need her to trust you.

Perhaps she could use some counselling to deal with the issues that bring her the insecurities.

Good luck.

"I'm looking for my phone charger" would have sufficed.

I can see both sides of this.

You know she has trust issues, and it would have been very easy to say 'looking for my charger', and presumably that would have been the end of it.

However, if she regularly questions you, demands answers, assumes the worst all the time - I can see why that would be irritating, and why you might decide you don't have to tell her everything you're doing.

Especially if you've been doing that for a long time and she hasn't got any better.

It isn't fair that previous relationships should reflect on you, or that you should alter your behaviour and settle for not being trusted.

Is she getting help for her trust issues? Or are you just expected to deal with it and put up with it?

At this point, it was all a bit jokey, or so I thought, and I replied, in a jokey sort of manner, it’s none of your business what I was looking for. She kept asking me and I kept telling her it doesn’t matter what I was looking for.

You both sound like hard work. If her distrustfulness is an issue for you, why didn't you address it right then? You should have challenged her as to why she's micromanaging your every movement. Instead, you just kept throwing fuel on the fire for apparently no other reason than to piss her off and escalate the situation.

Well look, no one is perfect but her 'trust issues' should not be impacting you like this. It becomes 'control and manipulation issues' when you think that your own insecurities gives you the right to take them out on other people.

Now I understand occasional knee jerk things or triggers . But this...isn't that. I mean...you can't even use your own phone at night (assuming that what she thought you were doing?).

Sure, you didn't handle it well but...I'm not sure how well it's possible to handle such a situation. Not being able to turn a light on in your in house without setting off a Spanish inquisition...it's not right.

If she's this bad she needs to be single and work her shit through in therapy. Now this doesn't mean break up with her horribly and wait about on the fringes. But it does mean, get out. As kindly as possible.

Thanks for everyone's reply's.

TBH i don't there's a right or wrong answer, but i have told her previously that no-one should base a current relationship on previous experiences. If everyone did that, no one would ever have a healthy relationship!

@Aquamarine1029 I did challenge her and that's how it became a mini -argument. I made it clear that I won't be micromanaged ( in a respectful way ) and that I shouldn't have to disclose my every movement. If she learnt to trust me, or people in general, then surely she shouldn't have the need to ask right?

It's very easy for me to think ' I should have just told her what I was looking for' but that then leaves the door open for her to expect me to do the same every time she asks me what I'm doing or who I'm messaging?

Thanks again.

I can see both sides as it must be really hard work for you having to deal with someone who is constantly wanting to know what you’re up to. HOWEVER as someone with a few trust issues myself, not telling her what you was looking for makes it appear in her eyes as if you are hiding something! Obviously all was innocent on your part but why not just say you was looking for your charger? You are saying she has trust issues but then rather than making her feel safe and secure you are feeding those trust issues by making her feel like she can’t trust you even more! Simply just telling her you was looking for your charger would have been enough without making her feel like you’re hiding stuff. You know she has issues with trust but to play on them isn’t nice! Yes she needs to work on resolving her issues and maybe just joking about it once is fine, continuing to ‘joke’ about it and tell her it doesn’t matter when you can clearly see she is getting more and more upset is NOT ok!

I don’t think asking a simple question of why you turned the light on is a crime. She might just have been wondering why you did it and made a passing comment with no real intention of being suspicious. What escalated it is when you could clearly see she was getting upset but decided to add fuel to the fire

Here's the thing though, if we reversed the roles and a man was behaving like this, would that be something we should just tolerate because they have 'trust issues due to their past relationships'?

Absolutely not.

Now I know there are some fundamental differences. Eg, a woman is probably not going to kill you due to her own demons. And yes, sometimes a healthy partner can remind us that there are good partners out there and our trust in mankind can be restored.

But it's not the ideal route to take. Because the truth is, it's not up to another person to fix us. And if we don't fix us then a partner is just a plaster. And ultimately there's every chance that sooner or later that plaster is going to wear out and, the injury it covered will still be there.

Ultimately its not about trusting a partner at all. It's about trusting HERSELF to walk away from a partner proves themselves untrustworthy. If she doesn't believe she can do that then...chances are she's always going to have trust issues.

There is no excuse to take you own damage out on others. Now that doesn't mean she can't say sometimes 'hey, I recognise I'm feeling insecure atm because you did xyz and it reminds me of when my ex did xyz' and you can have a conversation. It doesn't mean that IF you've given her no reason to distrust you specifically, you should have to walk on eggshells.

Her damage isn't your responsibility.

If she is able to say 'hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I recognise I said xyz because of xyz and that's not your fault' and addressed that then fine. But if this sort of thing happens a lot or you've given no real reason for her not to trust you or if she just can't seem too recognise or take responsibility for how she is projecting her own trust issues in a way that is damaging the relationship, she needs to be single.

Women are not rehab for damaged men. And men are not rehab for damaged women.

Sounds like you are training her to mind her own buisness.

She asked a simple question, why she asked if you got out of bed when she could see you were in front of her I don't know, but it sounds like there has been some issues arround your phone, concerning messages.

She clearly doesn't trust you and doesn't feel safe and to be honest I don't think you do sound like the most reassuring person, winding her up watching her reaction.

It's up to you, you secure the connection or you put it in jeopardy, it's not a game, women like to feel secure not like they're playing a game of one upmanship.

I wouldn't trust you and I don't know you, you have an air of control, I used to have one like you instead of just answering questions normally, it was always what you think I'm doing, what d'you think I'm up to, it turns out he was up to quite a lot actually.
I then dated someone normal who just answered normal questions, normally, and funily enough it didn't lead to arguments and bickering.

She doesn't trust you but your protestations doesn't mean she should.

I personally think it's quite easy to make someone feel secure, safe and reassured in a relationship, you obviously don't.

You were being petulant because she asks you about things a lot and you've grown tired of it.
Decide what it's going to be, are you going to taunt her by unnecessarily withholding info, knowing full well it will result in her becoming more insecure, then your relationship will be really in the shit, but in a long drawn out sticking the knife in way? Or are you going to have the maturity to allay her fears and have the courage to walk away if she's the type where no amount of reassurance will be enough?
Sitting on the fence while you taunt her back is cruel, and each time you do that you damage the relationship all the more.
She, may well have issues meaning she can't help it and needs therapy and that's sad. You, chose a purposeful way to behave to rile her up, and that's just plain nasty.

I was thinking this myself! We don’t know for sure but maybe the trust issues the gf has are about the op and he maybe put this thread on here after the charger incident hoping everyone would side with him so he could go back and show his gf the responses and gaslight her into thinking she’s crazy and unhinged! It’s almost as if he enjoyed upsetting her knowing full well it would cause a massive argument, then posted on here to try and whip up some support. It’s a far reach, I know. But it has been known before for a partner to do this before.

OP using the excuse that if he tells her what he was doing it gives her the right to think she can keep asking questions- but if he’d just answered the question in the first place it wouldn’t have all blown up so the fault lies with him! Giving a straight answer to a question in the first place would have reassured the girlfriend.

Has she been accusing you of cheating?

She asked you what you were doing. Why not just reply looking for my charger.
Why turn it into a big deal. I don't understand.
Nothing to do with trust issues you were just trying to irritate her by not answering her and making it into something that was nothing.

You could have avoided the situation by just saying what you were doing. I think you are to blame.