How do you lose the rose tinted spectacles?

[AllTheMiniEggs]

My partner of 8 years and I split up over a year ago. We stayed friends although it was difficult at times. I've been so much better off without him. Haven't really cried or missed him at all. He's spent the whole time telling me he'll wait for me forever etc.

Now he's met someone else and I'm completely devastated. Actually can't eat or sleep. Got the punches in the stomach feeling 24/7.

I asked him to move out as our relationship has become utterly toxic but now I know I can't have him anymore, I can only think of how lovely he was/could be.

What kind of fuckery is this? I know it stinks of "don't want him, don't want anyone else to have him" but I'm just so shocked at how bad I feel.

We've not been together for nearly 18 months but have stayed in touch and gone out every couple of months (no kissing or hand holding at my request - just friends).

I need to remember how horrible he could be but can only seem to be filled with regret and wondering if I've let 'the one' get away.

Write down all the shitty, awful things he did, point by point, all of them. By the sounds of it, there will be a lot. Read it as many times a day as you need to to remind yourself exactly why you ditched this man. Focusing on the very valid reasons why you left him will stop your brain going down the “what if path”.
Also, exercise. I know it’s a cliche but physical movement is proven to release endorphins, make you feel better and be able to think more positively. Get on YouTube, find a free dance cardio video and flail around your living room like an idiot. I promise, it works!

The list is a great idea. It's like our brains have some trauma defense where they blank out bad memories, great when appropriate but a nightmare just when we need them to keep strong! Having the reasons he was a shit partner written down will really help, I think..

don't be friends with him - you don't need to see him socially and keep tabs on his relationships if it makes you upset

If it was a toxic relationship you would have been better off cutting ties rather than trying to stay friends and so only seeing (probably mostly positive) snippets of him. You didn't allow yourself to fully move on.

I think 'staying friends' only works if you take a significant break from the person once the relationship ends before trying to resurrect a friendship, otherwise the lines between relationship and friendship become blurry.

But what do I know, I never managed it!

Thank you. The list is a great idea. Might take a while but it will definitely help.

I agree with exercise too. I've been for a really long walk this morning and am now concentrating on redecorating one of the bedrooms to take my mind off it.

I stayed friends with him to make it easier for him. His mental health wasn't great and I wanted to be as kind as I could.

Stupid really and massively regretting it now. Lesson learnt.

I'm SO annoyed with myself for feeling this way.

Off to find a pen and a (very large) piece of paper.

I think your brain didn’t take the initial break up as a break up. Him telling you he’d wait for you, staying good friends etc.
this new relationship has confirmed you have broken up, so all the horrible feelings are coming now.
so sorry op, best to cut him out and keep
Yourself busy. Remind yourself of the reasons you broke up x

Wow do I empathise this evening. About 2 hours ago my ex (still married on paper but living apart for 4 years) told me had someone else. It was all very respectful. I knew this would happen. I don't feel devastated but it is a sucker punch. It's a mix of many emotions. Although toxic when we split and vicious for the first 6 months or so, we have very slowly found a decent way forward. I think we co-parent well. Are probably more than amicable.

I do have the fear. The fear of him introducing our daughter too early. The fear she will love to have a family unit with him. The fear our coparenting relationship will change. The fear that not only will it change but any relationship he has will open old and painful wounds and revert things back to how they were. Fear that my daughter will love this other woman. So currently I feel properly sick.

Tomorrow will be another day. Separation even if for the right reasons, is hard. And not just for the first few month. The ways it hurt and is hard change in ways that initially you can't anticipate.

I think the RTG are worn by women more the. Men.

Your mistake was staying friends and trying to be nice.

When you split with someone, unless you absolutely have to have contact due to children, I think it’s better to completely end things and move on.

Have you not dated anyone else since then? Maybe that was part of his plan!

No words of advice but in the same boat. Stbxh announced he is seeing someone a few days ago. Initially I was fine then yesterday I just crumbled. It hurt like hell and today I'm just filled with heartbreak. I knew it would hurt when it eventually happened, but that doesn't make it any easier.
And we have to stay friends as we have 2 dc so trying to co-parent together.

I've found journalling very therapeutic. Sometimes I just need to get all my thoughts and emotions out of my head.

This storm will pass but I'm here just to say you aren't alone

I think because you've had him hanging around for a year telling you he'll wait for you, you've not really moved on. Make a clean break from him now and get on with your life. You broke up with him for a reason!

Sounds like you thought he'd always be your fallback guy, dangling on a string to be pulled back if needed.

He's moved on, wish him well and go NC.

It's ended, the fat lady has sung.

Time for you to really move on.

I had one of those relationships, thought he was 'the one' , ended it as there was no commitment on his side. We stayed friends and kept meeting back up until I realised how toxic it was. The list of all the things he did during our relationship that I tolerated definitely helped me move on !

There was a similar thread recently , I'm sure this feeling even had a name and is common , made me feel better about my story ....

I had been split from my raging alcoholic stbxh for about 18 months too, he had been seeing someone else for 6 month yet still saying he'd like us to try again .

Suddenly out of nowhere I felt like we should try again . I got it into my head that he must have stopped drinking as surely no one else would put up with the shite I did and that some other woman was enjoying a new sober nice version of him I'd never had

So anyway , he dumped her , came home for 1 night , then dumped me the next day and went back to her

Within the next few months he had lost his driving license and good job though drink and now he shakes uncontrollably and is even more of an utter arsehole and mess.

They are now apparently due to get married soon . They've only been together 2 years and he's put her through more shit in that time than he ever put me through

Moral of the story . You'll get over this feeling soon and you'll be glad he's someone else's problem now .

I think a list is a great idea. Ive used this when I waiver and have doubts. Thinking about even just some of the nasty and abusive thing's stbxh has done makes me see again there wasn't any other answer, at least not one I could live with. Listing some of the things he's done, then reading it back to myself I often end up thinking WTF did I put up with that for the better part of a decade. Leaving was not only right but long overdue. I gave him so many chance's and he just took them as opportunities to hurt me more. You left him for a reason, or many reasons by the sounds of it, the fact he's with someone else doesn't make that change and it doesn't mean he's changed.

Its hard to hold onto the certainty of your decisions when you've spent years being undermined and blamed. It's hard to accept it's ok for you're needs can come first when you're used to being put last. Its hard to listen to your own voice and your own boundaries, when you're used to being told you're wrong and your boundaries are wrong and even if they're not they don't matter. Your mind gets condition to think in certain ways and it can take a long time to move past that. You're still healing, you'll get there. Personally though I wouldn't be friends, it can keep the connection alive, an echo of the relationship. A person that hurts you like that when you're supposed to be together and in love doesn't make a good friend once you've finally split.

Happened to me too with my first DH. I did not understand and still don't, why! It was horrible and unnecessary suffering.
It was probably my ego, not love, after all.

If my exdh (though still co habiting) ever found someone else I'd be over the moon! But then I'd feel so sorry for his new partner.

I think this is exactly it. I didn't really think we'd broken up because he was constantly telling me he wanted me back. I just got on with things and had a lovely year and felt relieved that my house was peaceful and calm again.

Now he's ended it for good I think I'm suffering the pain I didn't feel at the time.

NC is the answer. I've gone through my paperwork today and found everything that belongs to him. I'll post it out on Monday and that will be that.

Thank you for being kind.

@Outofideas79

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Luckily we didn't have DC so that's one thing I don't have to worry about.

I'm absolutely astonished at how painful it is over a year down the line.

It's utterly irrational. I hope you start to feel better soon 💐

@ducksinarow123

This was exactly me. I found out he was doing online dating and actually laughed about it. And then about a week later I cancelled our breakfast meeting and said it was because I'd found out he was dating and it felt weird. And he just said he'd waited long enough and had moved on.

Which is completely acceptable and I don't blame him at all. But Christ, it would have been less painful if he'd actually kicked me in the stomach.

I feel like I pressed pause and he pressed stop 😕