Friend issue

[SuzieDerkins]

Very old friend as in I’ve known her since we were teenagers. We don’t have a huge amount in common any more if I’m honest but we have a lot of history and she’s going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and ultimately her heart is in the right place. She doesn’t really have many friends - she tends to fall out with them.

She’s one of those people who can talk and talk and talk at you for ages. Sometimes I time her and her record is 20 minutes without me saying a word beyond “hmm” and nodding. Her monologues tend to be about, say, her car MOT and what exactly was wrong with it and what the mechanic said and what she said back, and how the part didn’t arrive when it was meant to… you get the idea.

She very rarely lets me finish a sentence without butting in with HER experience of whatever I’m talking about. To the degree that I find myself just not bothering to speak much and just let her get on with it.

But last night took the biscuit. She’d spent 15 minutes telling me chapter and verse about her car breaking down. Fine. And I’d asked after her family and new partner etc as I always do. Lovely. Let it be noted that she very rarely asks after my family.

Then I said excitedly “Ooh I didn’t tell you did I? I’m starting new hobby which I won’t name as it’s probably outing”

she stared at me for a second before sort of smirking and going “Why?”

So i said “Well… I've always thought hobby is really fascinating and now I’ve got somewhere to
put stuff another friend has offered me some space on her land) I think it’ll be a nice thing to try”.

Again a blank look and a sarky “Wouldn’t it be easier to buy them from Tesco?”

A beat of silence from me and she was off again about herself.

I mean… I get it. It might not be her thing. But surely when a friend mentions some new venture or interest you at least TRY to take an interest? Dig deep and find a couple of questions to ask to at least PRETEND that the friendship isn’t completely one sided and you just want an audience?

Would you say anything? It seems so needy to say “Are you actually interested in anything I’ve got to say?” but it’s actually starting to annoy me and upset me in equal measure.

If you’d say something what would you say? I don’t want her to feel got at (as I said she’s fallen out with a few friends which I think really upsets her - that’s another thing she talks about at length).

Help!

Hi OP. She seems to be the problem. Maybe the other friends have said something to her about her self involved behaviour and that's why they have fallen out.

I find these people never realise it's because of their actions that they are losing friends.
She totally dismissed what you said and carried on talking about herself which IMO doesn't make a good friend at all.

I'd really look at your friendship and if it has been one sided for the majority of it, I'd step back. I'm not a confrontational person and I had a friend like this. It took about 10 years tbh but I just stopped calling and being the listener when she wasn't listening when I had a bad mental health episode. She made it about herself. I felt drained so I didn't contact her again
Good luck OP

Some people are on transmit more often - she seems like she hasn't been called up on it. It's something I used to worry about a lot because I fill awkward silences and get flustered if I feel awkward and talk too much. I also downloaded a lot if I hadn't had adult conversations in the day - loneliness can mean talking to an adult is a big deal and you've a list of things you want to share. It sounds as though she has other adults around her to talk to though, so loneliness isn't an issue.

Really you just need to consider what she does offer you. Does she help you when you are sick or in need? Does she plan things for you to do? Does she go out with you when you are down? Does she send you thinks in the day when she thinks of you? Help you with anything like lifts? Only you know if her rambling is balanced in the friendship stakes - it sounds like she was dismissive but not actually directly rude about you - she didn't call you names or make out you are wrong but clearly doesn't see the joy in your hobby.

If you've just had enough and can't see the benefits and she is sapping your joy then call it a day - life is too short for people who make you feel bad about yourself.

She doesn’t really have many friends - she tends to fall out with them.

Surprise, surprise.

I wouldn't say anything to her because I wouldn't be bothering with her in the first place.

She doesn't ask about your life because she genuinely doesn't care. She cares about herself, and I bet that's pretty much it. Stop wasting your time with this self-absorbed twat.

This isn’t a friendship, because friendships are reciprocal. What exactly are you getting out of this? She isn’t interested in you, your role is to sit and listen to her.

one way to deal with her would be to put up a mirror halfway through her monologue and sneak away, she probably won't notice you're gone and it will be the best chat she has ever had!

Seriously though, her lack of interest is one thing...but are you that fascinated by her car and MOT? lady sounds really boring and it would be perfectly reasonable (and not needy) to say that you never get to talk about something interesting and you're getting bored

Thing is, she probably would be supportive if I needed her. She is deep down quite kind. I can’t cut her off. She’d be so lonely. Her husband died within the last couple of years and although she’s seeing someone she still misses her DH dreadfully.

How could I tactfully say something? My natural inclination - I’ve had to bite my tongue a few times - when she’s interrupted me before is to snap “Oh sorry was I talking about myself for too long??” but that’s neither mature nor, probably, helpful 😳

@SuzieDerkins if she was mature she would have taken criticism - if she will fall out with you too over being told to stop interrupting then it's her own problem, you don't have to coddle her

If you want to keep the friendship , I’d let it drift a bit . See her less as she sounds hard work. You could try and speak to her about the issue, but it sounds like any conversation won’t go well.

Thank You everyone.

You could try, “Have you noticed…. “. How little she knows about you. How little you speak when you’re together. Etc. In a neutral tone. It might open up the conversation for you to describe what she does.

On the other hand it might confuse her because it is a question about her (good) but ultimately about you 😖

It’s funny… although we’ve known each other for years we actually lost touch for a long time so we weren’t in contact during the pregnancy/baby/small child years.

I remember after we’d been back in touch for a year or so saying to DH that I’d be amazed if she even knew what my DCs names were, so seldom did I get a word in edgewise. When it became clear she did know their names I was genuinely gobsmacked 😂

Some people are like this, even though they might be good friends in other ways. I always feel there's little point in trying to switch the conversation to a topic of your own because they just don't want to know about it. It can be oddly hard to point out (although I'd want someone to tell me if I was doing it).
I have a few friends (and a relative!) like this, and if they go on and on without letting me in I tend to make it fairly obvious that I've switched off. Sometimes this is by literally walking out of a room. There are better, more assertive ways to handle these things though!

I have a family member like this, they have very few friendships and we limit contact.
You can't change other people only your response to them so I don't even try.
It's a shame though as they are very kind but the monologue is too tedious

I know that I do this and that it’s part of my neurodiversity, I have to really force myself to ask after other people and take an interest in what’s going on for them. It was brought up in a recent appraisal at work and I was genuinely gutted.

It really isn’t that I don’t care about others, I just always have my head full of other stuff that it’s very hard to make room. I saw a good approach on here the other day to try and it was to remember not everything in my head needs to come out of my mouth!

Often I will talk about myself or my experiences in a kind of ‘oh yes that happened to me too’ kind of way, it’s not to take over at all. But often I don’t even know that I’m doing it.

Not saying that’s the case here and I’m usually one of those people who hate stuff being passed off as ND behaviour when it’s not an excuse, but just thought I’d offer another perspective.

Heck, I'm reading this & thinking ooh that sounds like me lol
Maybe she is lonely, maybe she wants a 2nd opinion on do you think this mechanic is ripping her off or is it time to get shot of the car?, a friendly ear, but she hasn't learnt the art of listening.
I once went to a group & they had a talking stick (she used a rock), unsure of what advice to give.
Hey what was the hobby? Outing?
I'd say suggest she joins groups or something, but somebody once said the definition of being lonely, plenty of people to do groups with but nobody to chill & do nothing with, the unwind buddy.
Give her the talking stick 🤣🤣

Friends don’t time each other to see how long they drone on for. It doesn’t sound like either of you are benefitting from each other in your lives. I’d just back off.

😂 I’ve made it clear that I like her, listen patiently for hours and don’t want to upset her and THAT’S the bit you focus on 😂

Yes, you are timing her to either mock or bully her. It’s not what a friend does.

OP hasn't said that she times her friend. It's pretty obvious when someone is going on and on and not letting you actually have a conversation with them.

I've got a friend like this. (Actually most of my friends seem to be like this.) I now limit my interactions with her as I quickly start to get resentful at the lack of balance in the conversation/relationship. Like you I've often pondered how to tackle it more directly, but in my experience people like this are very sensitive to criticism and tend to blow up if you ever try to discuss how you feel. Hence my withdrawing instead.

I'd be honest with her but then when I worried I was doing what she is I'd stop myself and apologise and tell people to stop me if I kept on, so maybe self awareness is needed. I do think if you don't mention it you probably won't get a resolution as these habits are hard to break unless she is aware.

I'd say something like "Gosh you always have something going on! Do you think it would help if I talk a bit about me to take your mind off it?" Or "I saw something online today about how good for your MH it is to appreciate things, shall we each list 5 things in the last week that went well?". It's small but if you give yourself a set amount and she interrupts you can always bring it back to "anyway, my other 3 things..." without feeling too weird. It's about you getting used to informing her when she is doing it as much as letting her know, if you don't want to go full sledgehammer with "I have noticed you rarely let me discuss my week, why is that?"

To be fair I did say I timed her sometimes. It’s more in the spirit of “I wonder if she keeps talking for as long as it feels like she does” than mocking though. As for bullying - 🙄

It's what anyone does when their friend is frustrating them in this way.

I guess it must be a common problem, I've had a couple of friends like this. As much as you love them it's quite dispiriting to spend time with someone who doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

OP, I'm sympathetic to what you say and am in a similar position with someone who talks endlessly about themselves. And, yes, I admit I have timed him more than once and now see that, before he asks me how I am, he'll give me a detailed 'round robin' of his life that generally takes about 45 minutes, sometimes more. He also only gets in touch when he wants something. I've rather given up, tbh, and feel like I'm just someone he gets in touch with when it's convenient.

I can vouch for how liberating it is to dump friends like this. Or just fade out by never answering his calls.