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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why does it feel so terrifying to dump him?

13 replies

ChersHandbag · 29/02/2024 23:38

Hi I wonder if anyone is up.

I need to finish things with my boyfriend tomorrow. I’m a single mum and he has been great but I think there’s something wrong with our connection. I can feel it. But why does it feel so frightening to actually do it? It’s confusing me why I feel so unsettled by this even though I know it needs to happen.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/02/2024 23:43

You're human, we don't like it when relationships fail. It makes us feel scared and vulnerable. We become comfortable with things, even things that aren't working for us, and often resist change because the unknown seems daunting. That said, if you know it needs to end, end it. You'll be just fine.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/02/2024 23:44

Are you afraid of him? What's he like if you disagree with him?

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 29/02/2024 23:51

I was with an abusive partner before so no I do not feel frightened in that sense. That said he does not like talking about my feelings/our differences so a bit

OP posts:
Surfapparel · 29/02/2024 23:59

Is this the first breakup since you ended things with your child's dad?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2024 00:01

ChersHandbag · 29/02/2024 23:51

I was with an abusive partner before so no I do not feel frightened in that sense. That said he does not like talking about my feelings/our differences so a bit

If he doesn't like talking about those things then he'll never be a good partner to anyone - you're doing the right thing. Xxx

Batima · 01/03/2024 00:15

I totally get this. It is scary. I think pretty much everyone finds it scary?

littlebirdieblu · 01/03/2024 05:17

I've just had to do this and it was so hard but definitely the right decision. My ex was like yours and couldn't have a discussion about any problems we had, very defensive and would shut down. We were together a year and the relationship was great at the start, but the not being able to communicate was what killed it for me.
Good luck, it will be hard but you'll feel better once it's done, maybe not straight away as breakups are never easy, but you will a few weeks down the line.

SometimesIchangemyname · 01/03/2024 05:23

Plan your conversation so you don’t wimp out.
Tell him by text that you need to talk so he’s prepared. Tell him face to face. Not at your place so you can leave. Make sure you return any stuff he might have at yours.
None of us know him so can’t advise further but those are the basics.

Lurkingandlearning · 01/03/2024 05:35

Would it help if you could reframe it in your mind and keep telling yourself it’s not scary only an uncomfortable conversation that needs to be had. Delivering bad news is uncomfortable but if you can think of the quickest, kindest way of saying it’ll all be over very soon.

If you are worried he’s not going to accept it and that turns out to be true, just leave and block him.

FootOnTheGas · 01/03/2024 05:39

Most people are co dependant, no matter what the relationship. Not just emotionally but financially as well. Living happy alone is a life skill you have to master, and those that have made that effort are usually happier in the long run. Humans tend to cling to familiarity and dislike change, they just want to stay in their comfort zone.

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 01/03/2024 09:14

Surfapparel · 29/02/2024 23:59

Is this the first breakup since you ended things with your child's dad?

Yes

OP posts:
Gorganzolabrie · 01/03/2024 10:51

FootOnTheGas · 01/03/2024 05:39

Most people are co dependant, no matter what the relationship. Not just emotionally but financially as well. Living happy alone is a life skill you have to master, and those that have made that effort are usually happier in the long run. Humans tend to cling to familiarity and dislike change, they just want to stay in their comfort zone.

Most people are not co-dependant. I think you mean dependant rather than co-dependant. Dependancy can be a healthy thing if you have a secure attachment style. Co-dependency is a particular, unhealthy form of attachment whereby someone gets all their validation from others rather than themselves. You don't have to be co-dependant to feel anxious and upset about breaking up with someone you care about.

Surfapparel · 01/03/2024 14:57

ChersHandbag · 01/03/2024 09:14

Yes

Show quote history

I had an enormous fear after that because: (1) I felt like noone would want to date a single mum and I was losing my "only" chance at love (this was untrue); and (2) I feared that it "confirmed" everything my abusive ex had said about me was true (that I was unlovable, that noone would want me, that I was damaged goods, etc etc). I also felt like I needed to recreate a nuclear family for my children.

The truth is, you found someone you liked and who liked you, but you're not compatible. That's a shame, but you'll find someone else AND be compatible with them. You are unlikely to find the right fit really quickly. Take your time and appreciate the luxury you have - time! You've had serious relationships, you've already got children, you can take your time to find the next one. Being single means nothing more than that you haven't yet found someone you like enough for a serious relationship. You're still the same person you were when you had a partner. It wasn't worth leaving a bad relationship only to get in one that is mediocre. Hold out for a good one.

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