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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice

23 replies

SashaB12 · 29/02/2024 22:26

Boyfriend lives at my flat that I own. He earns substantially less than I do, so I said, don’t pay me rent, just put the same amount you were paying on last place into a savings and use it to pay for nice holidays that we go on (I’d pay my share). Been living together 4 years. He still doesn’t put the money in to the savings account every month, there’s never as much as there should be in there when I ask, does it sporadically. I confronted him and he got angry and said I was controlling and prying into his finances. Now I’m worried I am. Or am I being gaslit and taken for a fool?!

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 29/02/2024 22:29

Well he’s broken the deal so new arrangement, he pays half the rent/mortgage and bills and stops being a cock lodger. (Although I’d dump sometime this disrespectful)

ZekeZeke · 29/02/2024 22:31

He is a cocklodger

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 29/02/2024 22:32

He's living off you rent free! Boot him out.

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 22:34

So he's not doing what he said he would, and he's accusing you of being wrong, and you're believing him?

Moveoverdarlin · 29/02/2024 22:36

Why are you having to completely support an adult man that works? He sounds like a whinging teenager not wanting to pay his nagging Mother his rent. I would find this such a turn off.

Tell him due to the COL that as of April 1st, you want half of mortgage and half of bills. No likey? Off you fuck then.

Holdingsteady · 29/02/2024 22:56

New rules then.

He pays the council tax, the electric and gas, the rates, TV licence and internet and any appliances that break down/wear our he pays half for a new one.

If he says that’s too much, he can always find his own place and pay all the above plus rent.

The guy has freeloaded long enough.

SashaB12 · 29/02/2024 23:01

He says he does put it in but it just never adds up!..... I thought I was doing a kind thing and it's turned into a source of conflict!! I've stopped enquiring how much is in the account because he just says I'm controlling him and 'watching him like a hawk' 😳

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/02/2024 23:04

You have voluntarily created a cocklodger. You trusted him, and he has proven that he was not worthy of your trust. He has been more than happy to take complete and utter advantage of you.

Kick this fucking loser out on his ear.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 29/02/2024 23:07

SashaB12 · 29/02/2024 23:01

He says he does put it in but it just never adds up!..... I thought I was doing a kind thing and it's turned into a source of conflict!! I've stopped enquiring how much is in the account because he just says I'm controlling him and 'watching him like a hawk' 😳

Find your self respect. Put it on. Leave the bastards cock lodger. He's gaslighting you 💔

Channellingsophistication · 29/02/2024 23:32

So he’s living off you - you need to put a stop to that!

blacksax · 29/02/2024 23:34

Dump the freeloading fucker.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/02/2024 23:36

Why are you putting up with this?

MsDogLady · 29/02/2024 23:37

@SashaB12, reclaim your agency and power.

For 4 years you’ve allowed this deadbeat to use you as a cash cow. On top of that, he has trained you (with hostility and blame-shifting) to back off whenever you’ve challenged his shirking the agreement.

You need to bin this manipulative financial and emotional abuser pronto.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/02/2024 23:39

Why do women put up with this? He is living off you and resents you asking what he's doing with his money.

There have always been men like this over the years and honestly the relationships don't last, they just move on to sponge off somebody else.

CherrySocks · 29/02/2024 23:46

So he's had free accommodation for four years?!!! Free electricity too?? What else is he getting for free?

Can you access the account? If not he's just saving his own money.

Have you had any holidays using the money from this account?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/02/2024 23:49

Please tell me you don't have a joint savings account with this man. if you do, then transfer every single penny that you put in there out into your own account.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 29/02/2024 23:49

🤦🏼‍♀️

Fucketyfecketyfoo · 01/03/2024 00:26

I am going for the tough love option here. You are being stupid. This man will not appreciate you unless you show yourself deserving of appreciation. Get rid, or get him to set up a saving account in your name!

GreigeO · 01/03/2024 00:40

He puts the money in, but it never adds up? I assume he's been to the banking ombudsman then?

LifeExperience · 01/03/2024 01:27

You're supporting a lying, gaslighting cocklodger. Please have some more respect for yourself.

RedHelenB · 01/03/2024 06:03

What dies he pay for. Groceries, tv licence electricity?

MiriamMargolyezSausages · 01/03/2024 06:10

Dump him and don't ever again have such a silly agreement.

OldBeyondMyYears · 01/03/2024 06:19

Stop being "kind" and find your spine!

(Why women do this to themselves I will never understand!!!)

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