Took back cheating exH. No self-esteem

[Bananalotionitis]

Divorced due to exH’s infidelity (found emails messages looking for sex online). Learned he had an affair then relationship with a relative of mine.
My self-esteem has been non-existent for as long as I can remember. We briefly rekindled for a few months because I believed him when he said he’d changed.
I couldn’t and can’t get over the affair and relationship with my relative and have cut my losses.

I’m looking for validation I did the right thing and recommendations for books/podcasts to work on my self worth. I have zero interest in seeking a relationship for the foreseeable future. I’ve had therapy on and off.

Thank you

You did the right thing getting shot of him for good.

Well bloody done you.

sorry, no particular recommendations for books etc, but you should be proud of yourself.

Love yourself like your life depends on it by Kamil Ravikant.

Follow the book and do every exercise. And then do them again.

No advice but you 100% did the right thing. Even if the relationship was going OK it would of festered away at you and turned sour in the end, best to cut your losses now for sure. Do you have children?

Well done you. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-baggage-reclaim-sessions-podcast/

Good luck xxx

Wow! What you did took courage and it shows that you have the strength and sense to put your needs first. You had an innate instinct that leavingvwas the right thing to do. Ok, you had a wobble afterwards (no one is perfect!) but yet again you chose the best path for you and stepped away again. So you do have some self esteem-and that's an excellent place to start from 😊

It was definitely the right thing to do for your lasting happiness.

As well as books (good recommendations above) it might be helpful to take good care of your physical self too. You deserve it.

A few simple indulgences like a daily body moisturise after your bath/shower to feed your hard-working skin.

If you wear makeup, having a ruthless sort out, wash brushes, clean out makeup drawer and get it all lovely and pristine.

Chuck out holey stained undies and replace with clean nice fresh ones (even with a cheapie supermarket multi pack is better than tatty).

A thorough wardrobe prune and review. Get into Vinted and choose a couple of lovely 'new' things that make you look and feel fabulous.

Talk to yourself positively. Sounds daft but it works. Thank your clever body for looking after you, for being strong, for keeping you going. For healing itself. (I have multiple health issues and use this technique to try and stop myself from being too frustrated. Yes some things are a bit broken and not working properly, but lots else is motoring along quite nicely).

These are just suggestions - You'll find the things that work for you. The essence is on giving yourself permission to carefully (and indulgently) look after yourself. To didn't the time and money. L'Oréal
Really was on to something when they said 'you are worth it '. Because you are. 😊

Did you have CBT? Self esteem comes from doing things that make you happy and loving yourself. It's taken me a while to realise what things make me happy and being comfortable enough to do things alone but it has helped me a lot. I've invested in some new clothes and intend to find a hairstyle I'm happy with next

You did the right thing! And this:

I couldn’t and can’t get over the affair and relationship with my relative and have cut my losses.

is your self esteem! It's there all right, just a little battered and bruised. Some good advice from PPs on how to build upon that, but give yourself time and treat yourself with compassion.

@Bananalotionitis i've no advice but wanted to tell you that you are brave, strong and on the right track. You are realising your own worth and that you deserve and can have better. Well done. x

Of course you did the right thing. That takes some guts OP, especially when your self-esteem is low, so well done you! 👏

Well done you, OP. I recommend Chumplady's Leave a Cheater Gain a Life for a reason.

I hope the relative got kicked to the kerb as well. My sister ran off with other sisters DH. None of us have spoken to her since our Mum died 5 years ago, there was limited contact before.

Good luck and don’t look back.

I’ve put some of the books in my Amazon basket and will definitely look at that podcast!

I can’t thank you enough for your kind words. I realised I haven’t been genuinely kind to myself. Our children are young adults now and I didn’t let them know their dad and I had rekindled things. It was the panic of being alone and also willing myself to believe he’d changed. He very well may have but I’m much happier on my own without constantly asking myself questions I’ll never get answers to.

I had limited contact for years with my relative but we have a better relationship now. It will never get back to what it used to be and I’ve made my peace with that. There’s a lot of shame I carry which I’ve not acknowledged in therapy because it’s been a “family secret” for decades. My immediate family are aware and I sometimes mention it in passing but I’ve only confided in one friend after all this time because I feel like it all happened to someone else. Funny thing is, I suspected the affair not long after our DC was born but never had any proof until decades later, 2 more DC and a divorce. I’m ashamed to say this was my marriage.

You need to acknowledge the shame and pass it on to heal. Your marriage isn't something to be ashamed of when you were the betrayed. You loved and committed to someone there is no shame in that. The shame is your ex and your relatives. They lied, betrayed and destroyed. That's their shame not yours

Oh you poor thing, that's a huge thing to get over, dating back to your children being babies. It will take time to recover and you have done well to get rid of him.

Agree with it being their shame to live with.