Money doesn't talk. It swears.

[fridgemonkey]

Please could you offer some advice on how you manage your finances together as a partnership? I?m fed up of arguing with DP about money ? it shouldn?t be that difficult for two rational people to talk about this subject, but it seems to press both our buttons, and we end up defensive and shouty about who is spending what, where and why, and I?m not sure how to change it.

I think the problem is that we have such differing ways of handling finances. He?s budget minded and controlled and frankly, I am not. I recognise that this would be a good direction to go in and I am trying. In the meantime, he has a set amount that he is prepared to spend and no more. This would be fine if it didn?t mean that by the end of the month, I am picking up all other expenses and outgoings, including child care, and sending my finances out of control.

I do earn more than him, but he seems to expect me to bankroll our lifestyle without compromising his own needs or contributing fairly to our expenses. It just winds me up.

Is it really about money or is it about the power/balance in the relationship? I just don?t know? Any good books or threads that you could point me towards if this has come up before? Thanks, FMx

Do you know what? Others may have better advise than this, but if I was in your position, I think I'd firstly drop the 'who brings in more, who contributes more' argument, if you are a family, looking after DC/s, sharing a house, water, gas, electric, council tax etc. put all incomings into one account, pay the bills out of it see whats is left for any extras, and either be sensible with it, make decisions together, or if that doesn't work split the remainder into 2, have half each, and stop the bickering.

I know some of that sounds a bit condesending, but I really don't mean it to be. Maybe it is just my POV, but I really don't get, or fully understand the 'I bring x amount, he brings x amount' thing.

BTW I am a SAHM now, but before the DC's when I worked as well, all money from both of us went into one pot, all the bills came out of the pot, and we each did what we wanted with the remainder.

I too earn much more than my dh. I have found that putting everything into one pot, paying the bills and then dividing what is left works well. I get slightly more than him to spend per month as my haircuts cost more ! That way you know that his motorbike mags or Xbox extras are not costing 'you' and the bills are paid.....

if he is budget minded you both need to sit down with a budget planner - like the one off moneysavingexpert.com - and work out how much you need

give each of you a budget per week/ month for your own stuff

and put some aside for savings

if all the money goes into one central 'pot' and you each get an equal share after all bills/ expesnses/ childcare etc is paid there should be no need for this

I agree with everyone else who has posted so far. We put everything into the joint account, then transfer an amount for personal spending into our personal accounts. Everything else comes from the joint account. We have a rough budget that we have agreed on and trust each other not to spend joint money on stupid things (our own money we can spend on whatever stupid thing we fancy. Every few months we go through what we have been spending and look at the budget.

It sounds to me like your partner isn't being fair to you. It's perfectly reasonable for him to want to stick to a budget, but he can't then refuse to pay for things like childcare or day to day expenses that come up later in the month. If he really wants to budget he needs to factor those into his plans and make sure there is enough money to pay for them.

I think money can be really difficult to be honest. It's about power, status, control all the things we like to think don't play a part in our relationships (even when they do)

I'm a SAHM too - dh's salary goes into our joint account, all the bills/household expenses are paid out of that, then the children's money (child benefit & activities/shoe/clothes budget) gets transferred to my account. Whatever is left over is available for whichever of us wants to buy stuff - neither of us are particularly materialistic & all big purchases (anything over about £30) are discussed. We bank online & both check it a couple of times a week to make sure we're not in danger of going overdrawn. I've never felt that I have to account for my spending to dh. We both just tend to get what we need.

Any extra money (gifts, freelance work, my tutoring work) goes into a savings account for holidays/emergencies.

Set up a joint account into which all money for bills and other joint outgoings is paid. Put all the direct debits through that account.

Then keep your money in your account and his money in his account. Job done!